If you want to help your family thrive, you need to be thriving!
The Biggest Mistake
I get it!
Everyone wants a happy thriving family.
But, most parents make the mistake of focusing on everyone else in their family before they even think about themselves.
The problem is, when you focus on others, you lose power in your own life.
The biggest impact on your family will be to transform your own life.
Stop trying to fix everyone around you and go to work on your own personal growth.
If you want to go from being frustrated and fighting with your teens over screen time, chores, and how you should be more like their friends’ parents, focus on these 3 simple things:
Identity and who YOU want to BE.
Connection and YOUR relationships with self and others.
Growth and YOUR personal practice and development.
If you shift your focus to these 3 things, you will find that you have a more clearly defined purpose, deeper relationships with others, and a drive and determination to grow into the person you’ve always wanted to be.
Identity
Who do YOU Want To BE?
Most parents have never really taken the time to think about this.
However, if you are like most parent, you can probably think back to a time when you had a clear idea of who you wanted to be as a parent.
For me, there was a time when I was in trouble with my parents.
If felt unlistened to, unheard, and I felt they were treating my unfairly.
I distinctly remember thinking, “When I’m a dad, I’m going to be fair. And, I’m going to listen. And, I’m going to be nice.”
Most parents have lost sight of any vision that they might have had for themselves and have reverted to simply parenting in reaction/survival mode.
I want to invite you to take some time to DEFINE your vision for yourself.
Who do YOU want to BE?
Explore that.
If you look back at my first 5 episodes, you’ll notice that the first 2 challenges were all about identity.
If you want to go from struggling as a family, take some time to define YOUR identity.
Connection
How is YOUR Relationship with yourself and others?
What most people don’t understand about relationships is that your relationships with others are simply reflections of your own relationship with yourself.
Want to improve your relationship with others, maybe a teen, spouse, or parent?
You’ve got to first improve your connection and relationship with yourself.
The problem is, if you’re like most people, you’ve learned to treat others with kindness, but that it’s okay to treat yourself like garbage.
If you’ve ever berated yourself in your head, or even out loud, or if you constantly think mean thoughts about yourself, these are indicators that your individual connection and relationship with yourself are struggling.
There is immense power in connecting to yourself and embracing that connection rather than trying to fight it or silence it with self-doubt and self-loathing.
YOU are powerful. YOU are amazing. And, YOU are exactly where and how you are “supposed” to be.
You can’t get to where you want to be without first BEing right where you are!
Take some time to appreciate where you are and what it’s taken to get there.
Acknowledge and appreciate your strengths and gifts.
There are special things about you that no one else has.
Start believing in yourself.
Start loving yourself.
Start BEing the best version of yourself that you can possibly be.
You cannot give to others what you do not have for yourself.
Want a better connection and relationship with others?
Develop a better connection and relationship with yourself first!
Growth
Where can YOU (and want to) practice and develop.
Sure, I could get better at ballroom dance and country swing, but I don’t really want to. Sorry Deb.
I do want to get better at disc golf, basketball, public speaking, entrepreneurship, and being the best husband and father that I can be.
There’s power in being willing to grow and develop.
It takes a certain humility and vulnerability, but it also takes courage and determination.
If you want to thrive as a parent, grow!
Look at plants; when they are growing, they are thriving.
Look at children. One of the things that doctors look for to know if children are thriving is growth patterns.
If you want a thriving family, . . .
If you want individual members of your family to thrive, . . .
. . . You need to grow!
It’s okay to be imperfect.
It’s okay to have room for improvement.
That’s the purpose of life.
Commit to BEing your best by practicing and developing.
When life and parenting is tough, just realize that you are doing some serious growing, and that’s okay.
Sometimes when life gets tough, that’s just life’s way of showing you areas where there’s room for improvement.
That’s okay.
Putting It All Together: Identity, Connection, AND Growth
One mistake that I see is when people focus on just one or two of these steps.
They understand who they want to be (identity) and they have good relationships with themselves and others (connection), but they aren’t growing (growth), and they feel stuck and stagnant.
I’ve seen people with great relationships (connections), and they’re working hard to grow and be the best they can be, but without an identity they feel lost and confused.
Maybe you’re growing, and you know exactly who you want to be (identity) but without a relationship with yourself it’s hard to connect with others.
And without some self-love, it’s hard to go through the discomfort of growth, and it’s hard to be someone you don’t like.
Come Connect with Us LIVE and In Person!
Our Summer Slam is Saturday, July 30th from 9:00 am to 9:00 pm.
It will include powerful lessons, fun activities, and an awesome evening filled with board games and connection.
Everyone want’s to change, but most people aren’t committed to changing!
You’re Not Committed
I’ll be honest with you. This topic is on the forefront of my mind lately.
I’m trying to make some changes in my own life, and it’s been a struggle.
I’m making some changes with my physical health, and at times it’s been physically difficult and emotionally difficult.
One of the things that I’ve noticed is that my commitment to change has it’s ups and downs.
Some days I’m all in, 100% committed.
I feel motivated and it feels kind of easy.
And then the very next day, all motivation is out the window, and I’m only committed if there are not major temptations.
Some of the questions I’ve been exploring lately are?
Why am I not committed to this?
What AM I committed to?
What do I WANT to be committed to?
Why DO I want to commit to this?
Have you ever heard the quote, “It’s easier to hold your principles 100 percent of the time than it is to hold them 98 percent of the time,.” by Clayton Christensen?
This is the principle of commitment. It’s easier to be 100% committed than 98% committed.
If you’re struggling to commit, to be committed, work on getting their mentally.
For me, it helps to explore WHY I want to be committed.
I’m committed to being healthy because I want to be a healthy example to my kids.
I want to be healthy because I want to live a long and quality life with my family.
I want to be healthy so I can whoop up on my kids in sports.
Find your why and commit to it!
You’re Not Making Daily Progress
It sounds simple, but momentum builds momentum.
If you’re anything like me, one of the things that holds you back from making the changes you want to make is a lack of momentum.
It’s hard starting from zero, or negative $50,000, or plus 65 lbs.
Building momentum is a daily process, and the best way to build momentum is to make daily progress.
If you’ve been struggling to make the change you want to make, do these 2 simple things:
Start today and do something small.
Make a small and simple plan to do it again tomorrow.
Momentum builds momentum!
Start building momentum.
Continue building momentum.
BE an unstoppable force, constantly moving ever closer to your desired change.
You Don’t Have The Support You Need
Most people try to create change all on their own.
I get it.
You might be ashamed that you’ve let yourself get where you are today.
You might be embarrassed and trying to hide.
You might not believe that you can make the change you want.
Whatever your reason for doing it alone, you DON’T have to do it alone.
Get the support you need.
Inside of our Firmly Founded Family membership, we’ve seen countless parents and teens who have tried everything on their own, but once they got the help they needed, change was easy.
When you build a community around you, you get some huge benefits, like:
Accountability
Support
Different Perspectives
Friends
Examples of New Possibilities
Get the support you need, and start creating real change in your life.
You’re Old Ways Are Benefiting You
We do what we think benefits us.
Your habits and patterns are designed to continue getting you the old benefit that the original action, the start of the habit, once got you.
If you’re having a hard time making a change, explore these questions:
How is this benefiting me?
What benefit do I get from this?
Why did I want this benefit?
How is this no longer benefiting me?
How would it benefit me to change?
One of the things that I like to do is to eat delicious food until I’m stuffed.
How does this benefit me?
It makes me feel good. It helps me relax.
Why did I want this benefit.
I learned to buffer with good food from a young age. It’s my family’s love language.
How is this no longer benefiting me?
It’s making me fat. It keeps me from being athletic and dominating my sons in basketball.
How would it benefit me to change?
I’d lose weight, be healthier, and dominate my kids in sports.
Now I can choose between two different benefits. Do I want to relax and feel good thanks to food and at the expense of my health, or do I want to lose weight, be healthy and dominate my kids in sports?
I want to choose the latter result.
It’s Part Of Your Identity
It’s really hard to go against your identity.
This is one of the reasons it’s so hard for smokers to quit. They identify as “Smokers”.
It’s easy to identify as your old self or your old habits, but it’s not helpful.
Just because you like food, or you’ve struggled to lose weight doesn’t mean you’re a “foodie” or an addict.
Just because you’ve yelled at your kids doesn’t make you a “yeller.”
Part of what holds you back from making the change you want to make is seeing yourself as you are, or as you used to be, but not being able to see yourself for who you are becoming.
Want to make a powerful change?
Than shift your identity.
Start BEing that dream version of yourself today.
See where you are right now, and create the story in your mind of how it connects to where you want to be.
You’re Making It Harder Than It Needs To Be
Sometimes we make change harder than it needs to be.
Explore how the change you want to make can actually be easy.
I’ve had clients that after exploring how their change could actually be easy found that it actually was easy.
One client wanting to quit eating certain foods realized that it is actually easier to not buy them than it is to buy them.
It cost less money, took less trips to the store, and made her life healthier and easier.
Don’t fall into the trap of making your change harder than it has to be simply because it’s hard for others, or you thought it would be hard.
Come Connect with Us LIVE and In Person!
Our Summer Slam is Saturday, July 30th from 9:00 am to 9:00 pm.
It will include powerful lessons, fun activities, and an awesome evening filled with board games and connection.
Tough parenting moments are opportunities for connection, growth, and increasing your capacity as a parent!
“I no longer make what my kids do mean anything about me.” ~ Zack Spafford
What Tough Parenting Moments DO & DON’T Mean
Becoming a Professional Parent
No one shames profesional atheletes for working to improve themselves. We actually respect them for their dedicaiton and hard work.
Don’t let others hold you back because of their thoughts or their shame. You can improve as a parent with dedication and hard work.
I Should vs I Want vs I Will vs I AM!
Should doesn’t serve us. It holds us back.
An up grade from “I should” is “I want.” The next step is, “I will.” But, the most powerful belief is “I AM!”
When you go from thinking, “I should be better,” to believing, “I AM a great parent,” you will find that you have way more power than you realize. You will start to parent with confidence and purpose because you trust yourself.
What are your “I” statements? What do you believe about who you are? What are your values?
What are the “I” statements that you need to be the parent that you want to be?
Your teens will pattern their personal beliefs off of your “I” and “you” statements.
How to Practice for Tough Parenting Moments
It’s okay to want to be your best.
The Wheel of Life is a visual concept that I teach to help parents and teens understand that life is 50/50. It’s 50% pleasant and 50% unpleasant. This is normal. Nothing has gone wrong.
When things are going great in our lives, we are on the top of the wheel. When things kind of suck, or things aren’t going how we want them to, we are on the bottom of the wheel.
Sometimes, when we are on the top of the wheel, we forget to enjoy where we are in life’s journey, and we forget that being on the top isn’t going to last forever. This leads us to think that something has gone wrong when we find ourselves on the bottom of the wheel.
When we are on the top of the wheel is the best time to prepare for the inevitable times that are coming when we will be on the bottom of the wheel.
When we practice when we are on the top of the wheel, when things are going well, we can prepare for future struggles. This is an opportunity to be intentional about who we are and how we want to live. This way, when things get tough, we are prepared to be who we want to be.
This is how you can prepare yourself for tough parenting moments. When you’re on the top of the wheel, identify “How can I use the to prepare for when I’m on the bottom of the wheel?”
Then, when you’re on the bottom of the wheel, realize that you have prepared for this. Trust yourself and show up with confidence as the best version of yourself as you can.
We don’t want to simply become a better version of a caterpillar, we want to transform into a butterfly.
“Transformation Does Not Tolerate Mediocrity.” ~ Jim Fortin
Transformation VS Improvement.
Improvement focuses on better whereas transformation focuses on different.
Usually, improvement is focused on the perceived problems, and simply improving how we respond to the problem.
Transformation on the other hand is focused on the vision of what could be and becoming the vision.
There is a time a place for both transformation and improvement.
We see this in sports all the time. Sometimes teams are just trying to improve in one or two small areas. They try to build upon what is working and improve the things that are not working. The old way is working pretty well, so they’re simply going to improve upon the old way.
On the other hand, sometimes teems decide to transform themselves. They bring in new coaches and support staff and new and different players. They’re not simply trying to get better, they are trying to become something new completely. The old way was not working, so they’re throwing it out to transform into something new.
To Transform or to Improve, That is The Question
Like I said, there is a time and a place for both transformation and improvement.
You get to decide where you are and what you need.
You can achieve both through coaching, but it’s up to you to know and understand what YOU want to be working on.
Some of the parents that I work with are mainly looking for improvement. They’re happy with their relationships and how things are going, but they want to improve in a few areas.
Some of the parents that I work with are ready for a complete transformation. They want everything to change from top to bottom.
How to Achieve Parenting Transformation
Step #1 Start with Awareness
This is my favorite place to start. Take some time to develop some awareness about where you are in your own personal growth. Become aware of what is going on around you and within you. Understand not only the what, but the why and the impact it is having on you.
I see lots of people skipping this step. They want a transformation. They know they are not happy as they are, but they don’t really take the time to deeply understand why.
I see this happen with parents. They think they are unhappy because of their teen, or because of their teen’s actions or grades, or they think they are unhappy because of their spouse, but they are only seeing the things on the surface. They are not aware of what’s going on inside.
Identify the things that are bothering you, that you want to change. Explore them. Why are they bothering you? What are your thoughts and beliefs about them? How are you feeling about them? What actions are these feelings leading to? What are your current results.
Become aware of what you CAN and CAN’T control, what you want to control and what you don’t want to control, and what you’re willing to control and what you’re not willing to control. This awareness will help prepare you for step #2.
For more on awareness checkout Episode 39, Awareness Before Intention
Step #2 Be Willing to Let Go of Things
This step is huge! In fact, currently the biggest struggle that I see with the parents that I work with is their unwillingness to let go of things. And 99% of the time, the things parents have the hardest time letting go of are the things that aren’t actually within their control.
One of my teen clients is a competitive shooter. I was explaining how when we focus on things outside of our control, we can’t focus on the things within our control. He explained that it made perfect sense to him as a shooter because you can only aim at 1 thing at a time. The same is true for you, you can only focus on one thing at a time.
Do you want to be focused on something within your control or outside of your control?
Be willing to let go of the things that you cannot control.
Also, be willing to let go of things that are not aligned with your personal values. Are you keeping someone else’s secret because you don’t want to offend them, but it’s completely contrary to your value of being honest and open? Stop it. Be willing to let go of that because it is not inline with your values.
Be willing to let go of things that are not your priority. We live in a world that has normalized trying to do E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. We end up doing so many things that we can’t do any of them well.
If it’s not a priority, stop doing it.
This step is key to getting a transformation! When you commit to doing less, you’ll actually get way more done!
Step #3 Be intentional
Once you’ve developed awareness and you’ve let go of the things outside of your control, or the things that aren’t aligned with your values, or the things that simply aren’t really a priority, you can start developing your intentionality.
Being intentional is vital to creating a parenting transformation. Being unintentional is likely what has created your current circumstance. Most of what we do is unintentional. By shifting into intention, you will change who you are BEing.
To do this, really explore . . . WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE? WHAT ARE MY VALUES? WHAT ARE MY PRIORITIES? WHAT ARE THE RESULTS I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH AS A PARENT?
Once you get clear on the answers to those questions, commit to intentionally BEing that person. YOU can do this! Let this be your identity. Let this identity drive your intention. Let this create the transformation that you have been looking for in your life.
This doesn’t mean that you will magically be perfectly intentional. Learn from the times that you are living out of intention. Recommit to BEing the change that you want to see.
Summer Is Perfect For Transformation
Most people think of transformation and change around New Year’s. That’s great, but most people completely forget about and/or give up on their New Year’s resolutions by Valentine’s day.
I believe that summer time is actually a better time to achieve a transformation, especially for parents like you!
Life is dramatically changing. Kids are going from being at school to being home. There’s summer vacations, holidays, family reunions, and life is different.
Use the change in your surroundings to support you to transform yourself. When you see people you normally don’t see, tell them about your transformation. This will make it even more real to you.
Summer is only 2-3 months. You’re not committing to a whole year like you did in January. It’s doable.
You’ve got this.
Call to ACTION!
Join our parenting membership. You can transform yourself as a parent, and we want to help.
Stop worrying that you are doing it all wrong, and join the Firmly Founded Parent TODAY!
This is the first and most powerful step in developing confidence in yourself and your parenting.
