by Ben | Mar 31, 2022 | Podcast
Believe it or not, this is one of my ALL TIME favorite questions that I get from parents.
No Matter What I Do, My Teen Won’t Change
One of the things that I hear a lot is, “We’ve tried EVERYTHING, and nothing we do works.”
To which I usually ask, “How do you know nothing is working?”
And the parents typically replay, “My teen won’t change.”
If you’ve ever thought that “nothing is working” when it comes to your teens, it’s probably because you are focused on changing your teen.
My favorite question that I often get from parents is, “My teen won’t change, now what?”
The reason I like that question so much is because it typically means that they’ve tried changing their teen, they’ve realized that they can’t change their teen, and they want to know what they CAN do.
If this is you, and you’re starting to realize that you can’t change your teen, and you’re left wondering, “Now what!?!” this podcast is for you.
Where Is Your Attention?
One of the reasons that I like this question is because it reflects a shift in attention. It shows that the parents are willing to shift their attention from changing their teen to something else, “Now what?”
Most parents get stuck fixating their attention on the behavior of their teen. They catastrophize about all the things that are going “wrong” and the scary worst-case scenarios that are possible.
If you want to change your teen, you’re attention is on something that you can’t control, your teen.
But, when you ask “Now what?” you shift your attention to new possibilities.
“Now What?” has limitless possibilities.
Often, when parents come to me asking, “Now what?” there is a sense of desperation.
They feel like they’ve tried everything, that nothing works, and their desperation positions them to be willing to explore new options.
So, Now What?
First of all, don’t beat yourself up for not being able to change, fix, or control your teen.
It’s not your job. You don’t have the power to change, fix, or control your teen.
You haven’t done anything wrong, so please show yourself some compassion.
And second, take all of that energy that you were spending on your teen and spend it on you.
That’s right, let go of the things outside of your control and embrace the things that you can control yourself.
For some parents, this looks like letting your teen be grumpy, depressed, and unhappy, and shifting your focus from making them happy to being happy yourself.
For some parents it looks like exploring ways that you can be the change that you want for your teen.
For example, one of the things that parents ask all the time is, “How can I help my teen be more confident?”
My answer is usually, “How can you be the change you’re looking for? How can you be more confident? How can you be more confident in your teen?”
Bottom line is, there are countless things that you can do, EVEN if your teen isn’t willing to do anything different.
Simply ask yourself the question, “Now what?” and go with whatever you come up with.
Call to ACTION!
Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! It’s better than ever!
![#083 “TRUST” My Word For 2022]()
by Ben | Jan 13, 2022 | Podcast
One of the things that I’ve coached on the most in the first week of 2022 is TRUST. Fortunately, this is my word for 2022.
Why Pick A Word for The Year?
I’ve seen people pick a word for the year in the past.
One of my goals for this year is to accomplish more by doing less, and picking one word seems like doing LESS but more effective than setting a bunch of goals.
I know we’re just starting out the year, but I already like the focus of having just one word.
Why Is Trust Important To Me?
One of the reasons that I’ve chosen “TRUST” as my word of 2022 is because I often catch myself not trusting myself and others.
One of the things that I’ve found is that the more I trust myself, the more my business grows.
Another thing I’ve found is that the more I trust others, the better I feel.
I would rather trust people than distrust them. I like how it feels better than distrust.
So this year as a parent, I’m committing to trust myself. I’m trusting that I am exactly the parent that my children need. I’m trusting that my best is good enough. I’m trusting that my instincts are there to serve me.
I’m choosing to trust my family because I like how I feel when I trust them. I’m choosing to trust that my teen is capable of overcoming anything!
I’m choosing to trust that EVERYTHING always has been, is, and will be okay!
How Does Trust Impact Your Life?
If you’re like most parents of teens, you’ve probably found yourself having a hard time trusting your teen. It’s easy to distrust your teen, but who does that affect the most?
Most of the parents that I coach on this report that when they distrust their teen, they feel skeptical, distrustful, and anxious/worried.
The lack of trust changes how you feel, which changes how you parent.
Most of the parents that I’ve coached on this report that when they at least want to trust their teen, they feel more love and compassion towards their teen.
When parents are actually able to choose to trust their teens, they report feeling more confident and empowered.
Would you rather parent from the emotions of skepticism, distrust, fear, and worry or from compassion, love, and confidence.
When you embrace trust, you will be able to let go of things that are actually outside of your control.
I want to invite you to practice trusting that your teen is doing their very best!
In fact, imagine that you actually believed that. How would you feel?
Trust it!
I promise, your teen IS doing their very best!
Trust Is a Powerful Choice
Trust is a choice.
I get it. It can be a hard choice to make. It’s easy to choose to distrust someone, even yourself.
But look at it this way. Whether you trust or distrust someone ONLY affects YOU!
Choosing not to trust someone changes how you feel towards that person.
I choose to trust that everyone is doing their best.
When someone lies to me, this trust helps me have more compassion towards them.
It doesn’t mean that I now let them walk all over me. I still set and uphold boundaries to protect myself, but I choose to trust that when they break or cross those boundaries, it’s only because it’s the best that they can do.
When I know someone will break a boundary, I still trust them. I trust that they are doing their best and that they will probably break the boundary. I trust that I can handle that situation to the best of my ability and that it will all be okay.
Choose To Trust Yourself
When I first started my business, I didn’t trust myself.
I delayed starting my podcast because I didn’t trust that I had anything worth saying.
I delayed getting certified as a life coach because I didn’t trust that I would be good enough.
If you’ve delayed joining the Firmly Founded Parent membership, it’s probably due to a lack of trust with yourself.
I get it. I used to not trust that I could change and improve.
I want to invite you to trust yourself.
Trust your ability to grow.
Trust that I can help you!
Choose to trust!
Call to ACTION!
Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership!
Start being the parent of your dreams TODAY!
![#083 “TRUST” My Word For 2022]()
by Ben | Jan 6, 2022 | Podcast
If you try to control your teen’s model, they will hate The Model and they won’t understand its power in their life.
Don’t Try To Force The Model On Your Teen
One of the most powerful tools that I teach is the Self-Coaching Model!
When I teach it to parents they love it and say it makes total sense.
Usually when I teach it to teens the model they love it.
But, I’ve noticed a trend with teens whose parents are coaches or who have coaches.
Oftentimes, these teens tell me, “I hate the model!”
Every time this has happened, it’s because their parents have tried to force the model on them or tried to get them to change their model somehow.
I totally get it.
I love the model. It’s so powerful.
I want all teens to know, understand, and use this tool, ESPECIALLY my teen.
If you’re like me, and most other parents, you’ve tried to get your teen to understand the model.
The problem comes when you try to get your teen to change their model when they don’t want to and/or aren’t ready to change their model.
I love parents teaching the model! I love parents talking their teens through the model.
My warning is this . . .
. . . Don’t try to force the model on your teen.
. . . Don’t try to change your teen with the model.
If you do, they are likely to hate it.
So, How Can You Help Your Teen Learn The Model?
Understand that the model is at work in your teen’s life whether they know it or not. Whether they accept it or not. Whether they like it or not.
One of the most powerful ways that you can help your teen learn the model is by managing your own model.
Another way is by realizing that you only change the circumstance of your teen’s model.
The biggest thing is, manage your model and let your teen manage theirs.
Be Open To Your Teen’s Thoughts
One of the things that I teach people to help them use the model is to do thought downloads.
When it comes to your teen’s model, you can be a powerful tool for helping them do thought downloads.
One of the biggest mistakes that I see parents making is that when their teens try to share their thoughts with them, the parents try to change their teen’s thoughts by telling them, “Don’t think like that,” or “Don’t talk like that.”
When I teach people to do thought downloads, I tell them it’s important to be aware of ALL of your thoughts.
When your teen is complaining to you or venting to you, or just telling you what they are worried about, see this as them doing a thought download with you. You are their paper, and they are just pouring out their thoughts to you.
Validate Their Feelings
Emotional Health is the ability to feel any and ALL emotions and to identify and process them.
Far too many parents try to manage their teen’s emotions.
The parents are worried that their “teen can’t handle this.” We try to get them to avoid or change their emotions from what they are actually feeling.
This is actually the opposite of emotional health as it is encouraging the teens to only feel certain emotions and to avoid identifying and processing the feeling.
Give Them Autonomy to Take Action
It’s hard to see your teen do things that you completely disagree with. I totally get it. I’m a human and a parent too. It’s hard, but you CAN’T control your teen. It’s not your job to make sure that they “behave” or act “appropriately”.
What you can do is give them the space, autonomy, and confidence to act on their own.
Sure, you may still have to enforce some boundaries and consequences, but it’s powerful to remember that you don’t have to control your teen’s actions.
By giving them the autonomy to act on their own, they get to own their actions and create their own results.
Trust and Let Them Own Their Results
One of the things I see parents doing is blaming themselves for their teen’s results. This takes power away from your teen. If you want to give power back to your teen, respect their results. Let them own it.
Another problem that I see is parents catastrophizing about their teen’s results, believing the their results are “wrong” or “bad” or that their results should be different.
Your teen is the only one who can create their results!
Trust that their results are theirs and that their results are exactly what they need.
Manage Your Own Model
Bottom line is this, MANAGE YOUR OWN MODEL!
You can’t control your teen’s model, and any effort trying to control their model is simply wasted energy that could be spent managing your own model.
I promise you, if you want to improve your relationship with your teen, do your own mental and emotional work. Practice connecting with your teen right where they are.
Call to ACTION!
Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership!
Start being the parent of your dreams TODAY!
