Each day practice being the parent of your dreams.
My Top Ten Daily Habits for Parenting Success
Set Your Intention Each Day
Last thing before you go to bed, set your intention for the following day.
First thing when you wake up in the morning, remind yourself of and commit to your intention.
Here’s some examples from my life.
Today I will listen with curiosity, patience, and love.
Today I will develop awareness around my emotions.
Today I will be fun, energetic, and engaged with my children.
Today I will learn a new way to connect with my 15 year old son.
Commit to Connection Daily
Be 100% committed to connect to your teen.
Choose to love your teen.
Show them that you love them.
Show them that you are confident that they will be okay.
Let them know that you trust that EVERYTHING will be okay.
Connect with them right where they are.
Stay calm, listen, treat your teen with kindness and fairness, and do your best to let them know that you aren’t mad and that you love and care about them.
Embrace the Moment
Far too often we are guilty of not being present.
Don’t try to avoid the moment.
Don’t try to fix, change, or improve it.
BE IN THE MOMENT.
Be in the moment WITH your teen!
Manage Your Mind
I like to use the Self-Coaching Model
I also like to use the Be, Do, Have Model.
I am starting to get into journaling and writing.
Sharing what I’ve learned with others.
Trust Yourself, Your Teen, and the Process
This one is HUGE for me this year.
Trust will change everything.
You are exactly what your teen need, they are exactly what you need and want, and the process you two are experiencing is exactly what you need.
Let Go Of Things Outside of Your Control
This is hard, but so powerful.
When you hold onto things outside of your control, you lose power and energy.
When you let go, you have more power and energy to put towards things within your control.
Let go of your teen’s model and manage your own!
Practice, Practice, Practice
One of my favorite lessons, and one I came up with myself, is the “Wheel of Time.”
When you’re on the top of the wheel, practice and prepare for when you are on the bottom.
When you’re on the bottom of the wheel, just keep going and do your best to do what you practiced at the top of the wheel.
Life is all about practice and improvement.
It doesn’t have to be pretty or perfect.
Be Willing to Be Wrong and/or Make Mistakes
One of the things that divides parents and teens is when one or both of them are committed to being “Right!”
Be willing to be wrong.
Let your teen be “Right!”
Be willing to make mistakes.
Be the example of what to do when you make mistakes.
Be The Change You Want to See
This is one of my favorite saying and teachings.
If you want your teen to be something else, YOU Be that change!
If you want your teen to be more confident, YOU Be more confident in both your teen and yourself.
Play to Your Strengths
Last but not least, play to your strengths.
Yes, you have weaknesses, and if you’re listening to this podcast you probably want to address your weaknesses, but trust your strengths.
God gave you strengths that are unique to you.
Trust them and use them!
CALL TO ACTION!
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When you judge your teens, you disconnect with them.
“When I pull back and look at the big picture, does it matter if my kid sleeps all day? (. . .) In the big scheme of things, it really doesn’t matter.” ~ Marika Humphreys
“It was helpful to question and really let go of my expectations of what I thought my kid should be doing, and that was the gateway towards acceptance of who my child really is, and now I see them as the amazing kid they are.” ~ Marika Humphreys
“I stopped judging my kid, and I know I’m closer to them than ever before.” ~ Marika Humphreys
What if What You Think Is A Problem, Isn’t a Problem.
Many of the problems that we see, are only “problems” because the world around us tells us they are problems.
Often, it’s our judgement that something is a problem that creates our emotional discomfort.
Don’t Try to Control, Change, and/or Fix Their Kids
When we can let go of control, we start to connect with our teens.
I Have the Confidence to Trust MYSELF and MY Teen
It’s my job to foster who my kids are, and I can do that! I am the best parent to do this.
Parenting on the same page may not mean what you think it means.
“The strength of the team is each individual member. The strength of each member is the team.” ~ Phil Jackson
What Does It Even Mean to “Parent On the Same Page”?
To answer this I have to be honest, I am not even sure what this means. I’ve had parents tell me that parenting on the same page means that: “Parents are on the same wavelength” . . . or . . . “They are of the same mind” . . . or . . . “They agree on how to parent” . . . or . . . “They do the same things” . . . or . . . “They parent as one.”
I don’t actually think that much of this is possible or realistic, and as a result, many parents think that there is something wrong with them and/or their spouse.
The Myth of Parenting on The Same Page
The myth of parenting on the same page is that it will “fix” all of your problems in your relationship and with your teens.
The myth is that when you parent on the same page, you will magically agree with everything that your spouse does. Or even better yet, they will magically agree with everything that you do.
The Problem with “Same Page” Parenting
I have many problems with same page parenting.
I’ve seen spouses manipulate each other in name of “Parenting on the Same Page.” I’ve seen one parent try to control, change, or fix the other parent, convinced that they are the whole problem.
I’ve seen parents dilute themselves, and parent totally out of alignment to their values in an effort to be more like their spouse.
The problem with this is that it is hard to be something that you are not. It is hard to parent in a way that is not aligned with your parenting values and vision. Often one partner is left sacrificing themselves and their values and personal strengths for the sake of parenting on the same page.
Oftentimes parents will both abandon their values and inner strengths in an effort to meet in the middle somewhere. Now you’ve got two parents parenting out of alignment with their personal values and strengths.
When parents try to parent on the same page, one or both often begin to see themselves as a victim in the relationship, at the mercy of the other.
Why It’s Important to Parent on the Same Team, Not on the Same Page
By now I’m sure you’ve noticed that I love sports analogies. They make sense in my brain.
Look at your parenting relationship with your spouse as being on a team.
On teams, there are different members of the same team who have different strengths, skills, and values.
This is a good thing. You have QBs who have the value of being seen and making the impossible throw. They love being in the spotlight and making the big play when it counts the most. They know everyone is watching and they love the added pressure.
On the other hand, think of the lineman whose value is to protect the quarterback and help him look good. They just quietly go about doing their job because it’s inline with their values. They know that no one watches the line, and they love it. They don’t have to deal with the pressure of being in the spotlight.
In addition to having very different values, they also have very different strengths and skills. Could you imagine a QB trying to get his offensive line to all adopt his values and skills and strengths?
When you parent from the mentality of being on the same team, you empower the other parent to embrace their values, strengths, and skills to be the best that they can be.
You allow them to be them.
You trust that what they bring to the team is exactly what is needed. You notice and appreciate what they bring to the table.
How Parent on the Same Team (even when you’re NOT on the same page)
Define Your Own Values
If you’re like most parents, you’ve never taken the time to define your own values.
DO IT!
This will help you know what is truly important to you.
Look to your current reality and results.
Some values you may want to ditch.
Some values you will want to double down on.
Define Your Own Role and Purpose
It’s no one’s job but your own to tell you what your job is as a parent.
Clearly define who you want to be as a parent.
This will help guide you in tough parenting moments.
Explore Your Own Strengths and Skills
Believe it or not you have strengths and skills that no one else has!
You are uniquely equipped to help your teen in ways that no one else can.
Know your strengths and play to them.
Develop and hone your skills as a parent.
Seek to Understand and Appreciate Your Spouse as They Are
Your spouse has their own values.
They have their own role and purpose.
They have their own strengths and skills.
Appreciate that they bring things to the table that you simply can’t do.
Find Ways to Be on THEIR Team!
You don’t have to be the team captain.
It’s usually easier to join their team than to get them to join yours.
Find ways to support them and make them look good!
Protect them.
Help them thrive and succeed.
Call to ACTION!
Become A Firmly Founded Parent today. You can transform yourself as a parent!
Stop worrying that you are doing it all wrong, and join the Firmly Founded Parent TODAY!
This is the first and most powerful step in changing from the inside out when it comes to your parenting.
“The struggle you’re in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow. Don´t give up.” ~ Robert Tew
Why does struggling get such a bad wrap?
Struggling has gotten a bad wrap.
We seem to think that struggling is something that should be avoided.
We are hardwired to avoid struggles and discomfort. This is just a basic part of being human. Our brains have evolved to minimize effort and maximize efficiency.
Society and media look down on struggles.
The truth about struggling.
Struggling makes us stronger, more experienced, and more able to connect with others.
Struggling isn’t the problem, it’s the discomfort that we experience with the struggle.
Deep down we respect the struggle and those who overcome struggles and adversity. We love rooting for the underdog. We love hearing motivational stories about how people have overcome even the worst of times.
Struggles are a part of life that affects EVERYONE, not just our teens and not just people who have done something wrong.
If you take the time to think about it, you’ll find areas of growth in your life that ONLY came about because of struggle and adversity. Struggles are nothing more than an opportunity to grow.
5 Simple keys to harness the power of struggles.
You’re going to struggle in life. Your teen is going to struggle in life. Here are 5 simple keys to help you and your teen make the most of your past, current, and future struggles.
Change your perspective and mindset when it comes to struggles.
The way you think about the struggle will determine how you feel about it, which will influence the actions you choose to take.
How you are feeling about your struggle is an indicator of what you think about it.
Rather than focusing on the obstacles, focus on the opportunities (yes, this is very closely related to mindset).
This is simple, and yet SO HARD!
This takes some creativity. It’s is natural and easy to find the obstacle, the negative. Instead, get creative and explore:
What opportunities are there?
What benefits can I find?
How am I growing?
Stop trying to fix it, hide it, or change it, and embrace it.
Resisting your struggle often only increases your struggle.
Viewing your struggle as a problem needing fixing leads to feeling shame about the problem.
The quickest way to grow from struggles is to embrace the discomfort that comes with struggling.
Identify skills that will help you through the struggle.
This is the perfect time to learn, practice, and master some new skills.
Every struggle comes with a set of skills to learn. Identify the skills and get to work.
This is like weight lifting at the gym. It doesn’t get lighter or easier, you just get stronger and make it look easy.
Trust the process.
In the moment it can be hard to use the skills mentioned above.
Sometimes all we can do is trust the process.
So, where do I start?
Get curious. Explore the struggles that you are having as a parent and practice using the 5 keys mentioned above.
When it comes to your teen and their struggles, again, get curious. What can you see that they can’t? How is this helping them grow. How can you support them without minimizing their struggle or exaggerating their struggle?
We can’t change our teens. We can’t make them handle struggles better. All we can do is trust their process. Trust that they are doing their best, and trust that change begins with us. By simply changing how we view and handle struggles, it will influence how our teens view and handle their own struggles.
If you haven’t yet, join our FREE Be the Change Challenge. Each day we will be doing simple 5-10 minute daily exercises to help give you a powerful perspective on your role as a parent and your ability to be the catalyst for incredible change in your life and your relationship with your teen.
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These exercises are designed to take you just 5-10 minutes a day!
