#087 Bring Balance To Your Relationship!

by Ben | Feb 10, 2022 | Podcast

Most parents want a better relationship with their teens. The problem is, most parents think their teen needs to create that connection.

Your Teen Wants YOU To Connect With Them!

If you’re like the parents I work with, you want a better relationship with your teen.

Me too!

In fact, I want to help as many parents as I can to create better relationships with their teens.

The problem is, . . .

. . . If you’re like most parents, you want your teens to connect with you . . .

. . . BUT, your teen wants YOU to connect with them!

And, what ends up happening looks a lot like this.

You try to get your teen to change, (get better grades, be more honest, be happier, be more obedient, be less anxious) so you guys can have a better relationship, and your teen tries to get you to change (be less controlling, change your values and opinions, and leave them alone) so you guys can have a better relationship.

This looks slightly different in every home, but this often leads to arguing, fighting, yelling, avoiding each other, and/or throwing your hands up and giving up.

It’s human nature to focus on the other person. That’s part of being herd animals. So, as a result, you focus on your teen and they focus on you. You want them to connect, and they want you to connect.

The secret is this . . .

You can’t change your teen . . .

. . . BUT . . .

. . . YOU can BE The Change!

YOU can connect with them, right where they are.

This is the BEST news ever!

Restore The Balance (Or Even Tip the Scales In Your Favor)

Over the years that I’ve been coaching parents and teens, I’ve noticed that there’s a balance that is at play with our relationships.

There are things that will connect you with your teens and there are things that will disconnect you from your teens.

Here are a few things that will disconnect you from your teen:

• Distrust
• Correction
• Trying to control them
• Feeling fear, doubt, and worry
• Catastrophizing (looking for the worst possible . . . )
• Focusing on your differences
• Disaproving of their differences
• Trying to change or fix them

Here are a few things that will connect you to your teen:

• Trust them
• Learn from them
• Teach them
• Feel confidence, hope, and love
• Optimizing (looking for all the best possible . . . )
• Focusing on your similarities
• Value their differences
• Accepting them
• Appreciating them

The problem is, if you’re struggling to connect with your teen, it’s likely because the balance is tipped in favor of disconnection.

You have the power to bring balance back to your relationship.

In fact, you have the power to completely tip the scales in your favor.

You don’t have to be perfect. There will be times when you don’t trust your teen. There might even be times when you don’t like your teen, but you always have the power to balance the scales.

Connect Just To Connect

One of the biggest things that holds parents back in my coaching is when their focus is on their teen changing rather than BEing the change themselves.

Sometimes this sneaks in when parents want to BE the change, . . . so their teen will change.

This does two things. #1 It shifts your focus to something outside of your control (your teen changing), and #2 it shifts your focus from BEing the change to DOing change.

Now, rather than working from the Be, Do, Have model, you are working from the Do, Have, Be model.

I want to invite you to commit to connecting with your teen just for the sake of connecting with them.

It’s not your job to change them. You can’t change them. But, you CAN BE the change yourself!

Call to ACTION!

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#086 Please Share Your Connection!

by Ben | Feb 3, 2022 | Podcast

One of the biggest reasons your teen is struggling is because they lack connection.

Humans NEED Connection

Being connected a fundamental human need.

One of the struggles that we’ve been facing over the years in education is a lack of connection. One of the struggles that I believe is facing families is a lack of connection.

And, I believe that we are starting to see the consequences.

Schools are focusing more and more on academics and results. Covid has made things tough. Phones, electronics, and social media are all competing for our attention and our teen’s attention.

But hope is not lost, you can still connect!

A Message to Schools

I know it’s tough. I know you are being measured by your ability to help kids achieve certain standards and benchmarks.

I know oftentimes you are asked to work with your hands figuratively tied behind your back.

But YOU still have the power to connect with teens.

In fact, I promise you, the better you connect with your teens and students, the better they will achieve in academic settings.

I am not asking you to abandon educational standards, but I am asking you to start with a focus on your connection and relationship with your students.

Get to know your teens, as they are, without trying to change, fix, or improve them.

Help them know that they are awesome, just the way they are.

A Message to Parents

I know it often doesn’t seem like it, but your teen wants to connect with you.

Possibly more accurately, they want YOU to connect with them.

Find ways to connect with them right where they are.

Find ways to connect with them right as they are.

Most parents make the mistake of trying to change, fix, or control their teens. Instead of connection, this actually causes a disconnect.

If you’re like most parents, you’ve probably tried to change, fix, or control your teen and it’s resulted in frustration, anger, and resentment, which often leads to fighting and arguing.

Instead, I invite you to find a way to connect with your teen right where they are.

What is something that your teen values that you could value?

When I was a teen, football was the thing I valued most.

My parents, grandparents, and my favorite teachers understood this. So, they often went to my games and talked to me about my games afterwards.

I know moms and dads who have started playing Fortnite and Minecraft with their teens, just so they can connect with them.

A Message to Communities

We need our teens. Their mental and emotional health should be one of our top priorities as a community. Find a way to support your local teens.

Go to their sporting events. Go to their plays and competitions.

Create opportunities for teens to create connections within your communities that will live long after their high school days are over.

If You’d Like Me To Speak at Your School and/or Community Event

If you’d like me to speak at your school or community event, please feel free to email me at Ben@FirmlyFounded.com.

Call to ACTION!

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