![#080 “Better Than Happy” with Jody Moore!]()
by Ben | Dec 23, 2021 | Podcast
This book will help you retrain your brain!
It’s Common to Think Your Not Good Enough
We have 60,000 thoughts each day. 85% of those thoughts are negative. 95% of those thoughts are habitual thoughts.
It’s okay!
This is part of being human.
You do though, have the power to retrain your brain and develop new thought patterns.
It’s natural to think that you are not good enough, but I promise you that you are good enough! You are exactly the parent that your teen needs.
Now, you get to move forward and become the parent of your dreams.
Powerful Questions
The quality of your life is a reflection of the quality of questions that you ask yourself.
Jody shared some powerful questions.
- Who do I want to be NOW?
- What would love do?
- What’s the most loving thing to do next?
- What if nothing’s gone wrong here?
- What if this was always meant to happen this way?
I like to ask “How can I be the change I want to see in the other person?”
Reprograming Your Brain Is Uncomfortable
Resisting your emotions slows down the process.
You get to choose how you think.
Embrace your present reality!
Practice identifying and understanding your thoughts.
It’s natural to think negatively, and most of our thoughts are simply habitual and patterns.
Your Children’s Struggles Make them Stronger
The experiences our children go through give them confidence.
They gain confidence, compassion, identity, skills, everything from overcoming trials.
This is something that I am actually working on in my home with my teenagers, all of my kids actually.
I want to allow them, invite them, and even challenge them to do hard things.
This helps me fulfill my role as a dad.
It also helps my kids develop so many qualities that I want them to develop.
Better Than Happy by Jody Moore
Better Than Happy Amazon link
Better Than Happy Audible link
You can learn more about Jody at:
Jodymoore.com
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![#080 “Better Than Happy” with Jody Moore!]()
by Ben | Dec 16, 2021 | Podcast
Simplifying boundaries will benefit both you and your teen!
Boundaries Aren’t Meant to Control Anyone
One of the biggest mistakes I see parents making when it comes to boundaries is when they make a boundary hoping that it will change their teen’s behavior.
Anytime you are hoping to change your teen’s behavior, that is more of a manual or manipulation than it is a boundary.
Boundaries aren’t meant to control anyone, especially not the other person.
It is important to remember that you cannot control anyone other than yourself.
Any effort made to control your teenager is an example of your focus being on things outside of your control.
This positions you as a victim because you are at the mercy of someone other than yourself.
Boundaries Are More For YOU
Setting boundaries is more for your benefit than for anyone else’s benefit. In fact, most boundaries don’t even need to ever be expressed to the other person.
Another common mistake with boundaries is focusing on the other person.
What the other person does or doesn’t do is less important than what YOU will do.
For example, I have a boundary that If you yell at me, I will leave.
I usually don’t ever tell the other person about this boundary. I simply notice that a boundary has been crossed, and I leave.
I don’t even need to involve the other person.
I learned this when I was a high school football player. When the team would be talking dirty or horsing around, I simply got up and left. I didn’t need to change them, I didn’t want to be a part of their behavior, so I just left.
The same is true when you are raising your teen. Boundaries are more for your benefit than for theirs.
Sometimes you might share your boundaries with them, but it’s not a requirement.
The Best Boundaries are Set with Love
Another mistake that I see when it comes to boundaries is setting them out of anger or fear.
You don’t have to be mad to set or enforce a boundary.
You can, and sometimes you will be mad or scared.
But, the best boundaries are set and executed with love.
The best boundaries are set with an inward focus of “what can I control?” or “how do I want to show up here?”
It sets the other person free to be themselves and do whatever they want, but it gives you clear guidance and direction as to how you show up.
Boundaries are Meant to Be Simple
Another common mistake when it comes to setting boundaries with your teen is overcomplicating the boundary.
Boundaries are meant to be simple.
This will make your life easier and your teen’s life easier.
One example of overcomplicating boundaries is informing the other person of a boundary that they don’t need to know about. Like I mentioned above with my high school football team. They didn’t need to know about the boundary. It didn’t impact them.
I kept it simple and just created and enacted the boundary on my own.
Another example of overcomplicating boundaries is when you have complex consequences or rewards for the other person’s behavior. Usually the more complex the boundary, the more likely it is that you are actually trying to change, control, or manipulate the other person.
I see this a lot with parents and their teen’s grades. Sometimes the parents get super creative and they have tons of different consequences and rewards, depending on what their teen does. The problem is, the more complex things are the more confused everyone will be when it actually comes to the boundary.
Keep boundaries simple for your sake and the other person.
Simple Boundaries = If you ____, I will ____.
Simple boundaries are, “If you _____, I will ______.
“If you yell at me, I will leave the room.”
“If you fail math, I will not pay for your phone.”
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![#080 “Better Than Happy” with Jody Moore!]()
by Ben | Sep 16, 2021 | Podcast
BEing the parent of your dreams means being responsible for your own personal growth rather than being responsible for your teen’s personal growth.
“That is what learning is. You suddenly understand something you’ve understood all your life, but in a new way.”
~ Doris Lessing
How To Make Parenting Simple!
#1 Define Your Role!
- One of the things that makes parenting harder that it needs to be is Not knowing your role!
- If you don’t know what your role, or purpose, is as a parent, everything feels like a battle.
- When you don’t define your parenting role, you get tossed from one roll to the other.
- It’s hard to be intentional when you don’t know what your role is.
#2 Only Focus on What YOU Can Control.
- One of, if not THE, most powerful things you can do as a parent is to shift your focus from what you cannot control to what you CAN control.
- One of the things that makes parenting hard is trying to control things outside of your control. When we focus on things outside of our control, we waste a lot of effort on something that is outside of our control. It’s exhausting because nothing changes.
- Things you might be focusing on that are OUTSIDE of your control:
- Your teen’s behavior,
- Their grades,
- Their decisions,
- Their thoughts and feelings,
- Their results/consequences.
- Things you could focus on that are WITHIN your control:
- How you think,
- How you feel,
- How you act,
- Your ways of BEing.
- Parenting is much more simple when you only have to worry about what you can actually control.
#3 Make Your Personal Growth the Priority Rather than Your Teen’s Personal Growth.
- Most parents focus on the growth, or more accurately their perceived lack of growth, with their teen. If you’re like most parents, you’ve done this too, and you’ve been frustrated or disappointed with the growth.
- Instead, focus on your own personal growth. Make that your priority.
- You can’t change, fix, or control your teen, BUT . . .
- . . . When you make your own personal growth a priority, you will have a more intentional and positive impact on your teen.
- When we focus on others’ personal growth, or lack there of, we cannot focus on our own personal growth.
- We cannot focus on two things at once.
- Make your own personal growth a priority.
BONUS #1 Choose Love!
- It sounds overly simple, but what if it really is just this simple? CHOOSE LOVE!
- What if loving your teen was your ONLY job? Wouldn’t that make your job easier?
- Love is always an option when it comes to you and your teen.
- Love is a simple choice with no down side.
BONUS #2 Trust Yourself 100%
- The other day I was on a group coaching call in the Impact Parenting Program, and I was talking about BEing a “perfect” parent.
- Someone told me that they would never use the example of a perfect parent because there is so much shame around whether or not you are perfect.
- I get it, “mom guilt” and “dad shame” are a thing, but THEY ARE OPTIONAL!
- What if you believed that you were the PERFECT parent? How would you feel? How would you act? How would you BE?
- This might sound boastful, BUT . . .
- . . . I believe that I am the PERFECT dad for my family.
- I know tons of people who would disagree. They might say, “Ben SUCKS! He’s the worst dad I’ve ever seen.”
- BUT, when I trust that I am the perfect dad for my family, if feel confident, and I have my own back. I show up and do my very best. I trust that my best is good enough and exactly what is needed in the moment.
- Others might see me at my best and think, “That’s the opposite of perfect parenting.”
- It doesn’t matter what they think.
- I am still doing my best.
- I can take any parenting situation and turn it into the best situation possible.
- Sometimes that looks like me apologizing for parenting unintentionally or out of alignment with my values.
- Even when I make “mistakes,” that is the perfect opportunity for me to be an example of someone who is doing their very best. It’s an opportunity for me to apologize. It’s an opportunity for me to learn and grow!
- This is why I’m the perfect dad.
- And when I believe this, I have my back and I show up with full confidence, which is way easier than always doubting and second guessing myself, and worrying that I’m not good enough.
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