Stop wasting you energy on things outside of your control, and harness that energy on BEing the parent of your dreams.
Parenting From Fear
Parenting from fear is common for parents, and it’s a symptom of focusing on things outside of your control. When we do this, we typically catastrophize and see all the things that could go wrong.
Theresa was afraid that her teen would be arrested. She was worried that he’d be behind bars and “ruin” his life.
This caused Theresa to yell and try to control her teen.
She thought that she needed to fix him and protect him from himself.
Parenting From Shame
It’s also common to parent from shame and worry about what others are thinking about you. This is another symptom of focusing on things outside of your control
Theresa believed that others were thinking that she was a terrible mother and that it was her job to fix her teen.
If you are experiencing shame as a parent, it’s likely because you are worried about what others think about you.
Also, if you worry that you aren’t good enough, or if you worry that you are somehow ruining your teen, this will cause feelings of shame and inadequacy.
Made Small Simple Shifts In the Beginning
When Theresa shifted her mindset, she was able to change how she behaved towards him. Making these simple things helped her stop yelling at her teen. It helped her better connect with her teen.
Everything Changed When her Mindset Changed
When Theresa realized that she didn’t have to catastrophize, she was able to realize that there were benefits to her son’s behavior. Though she didn’t agree with him selling vapes, she was able to find peace in the thought that he was learning business skills.
Changing from The Inside Out
When you start managing your own thoughts, you start changing on the inside.
When Theresa started BEing the change, the change rippled out and impacted her teen.
Theresa’s growth and change are a reflection of the growth and change that Theresa experienced.
When we change on the INSIDE, our outside environment changes to match our frequency.
Harness Your Energy
Stop focusing on things outside of your control and focus on what you can control. Use that energy to be the BEST version of you that you can possibly be.
When you refocus your attention, you can use that energy to change your thought patterns and start thinking in a more powerful way.
Call to ACTION!
Start being the parent of your dreams TODAY!
Come join an amazing community of parents in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership!
“Really loving your teens well, starts with loving yourself well!” —Angie
YOU ARE Capable of Transformation Just Like Angie!
Angie is a mom of 4 and wanted to get coaching to be more intentional with her parenting.
She realized that she was doing a lot of parenting out of either shame or fear. She was worried about what others thought about her and her parenting. This lead to her parenting in an attempt to please others that wasn’t actually aligned with her values.
I wanted to share with you some of Angie’s parenting models that she shared with us on the podcast.
C- Teen’s choices T- She’s going to ruin her future or chances (What happens this year is final). F- Fear A- Nagging, threatening. trying to control her. R- Negative interactions with daughter
C- Teen’s choices T- I am a great parent F- Excitement A- Pay attention to my kids. R- A better relationship with my kids.
When parents parent out of fear, they are likely catastrophizing!
I use the term catastrophizing to mean when parents are thinking of all the worst possible scenarios. They are worried that they or their teen are doing something terribly wrong that will have a detrimental impact on their teen’s life.
Catastrophizing always leads to parenting out of fear or shame.
Angie found that if she trusts her teenager, she shows up differently as a mom.
It’s so Important to Develop Confidence As A Parent
it was fun to hear Angie talk about having confidence in her own parenting. She described it as, “Understanding my own values. Working through my own values. Understanding what I believe in, and having the confidence to parent that way, even if it looks different from what other people do.”
If you never take the time to define what your role is, your role probably won’t match the vision you have for yourself.
Many times we think we need to try to control our teens to prove that we’re a good parent., but this is playing by other people’s rules. You’re trying to do what others think is important when it comes to parenting and this will defeat you.
Instead, believe that YOU ARE a good parent.
Angie said, “I’m a great parent by my own standards.” This is all that matters. It doesn’t matter what other parents think about you, parent to your standards and expectations.
When You Define Your Role, You Can Be Intentional In That Role.
Because Angie knows her personal role as a parent, she is able to be intentional with her relationships with her kids.
Often times we feel like we are at the mercy of our teens when it comes to our role as a parent or our relationship with them. Instead, think of a newborn. You love them no matter what. You are choosing to love them no matter what. For some reason, we forget how to do that with our teens.
Teens are just doing their best. Often times they look like adults, and they act like adults, but their brains are not yet fully developed. Keep this in mind when it comes to connecting with your teen.
Call to ACTION!
Stop beating yourself up for your parenting “mistakes”.
Stop worrying that you are doing it all wrong, and join the Firmly Founded Parent TODAY!
This is the first and most powerful step in developing confidence in yourself and your parenting.
When we blame others, it’s an attempt to avoid feelings something.
“Blame doesn’t empower you. It keeps you stuck in a place you don’t want to be because you don’t want to make the temporary, but painful decision, to be responsible for the outcome of your own life’s happiness.” ~ Shannon L. Alder
“Blame is just a lazy person’s way of making sense of chaos.” ~ Doug Coupland
What is blaming?
First of all, blaming is part of being human!
As far as I know, EVERYONE blames sometimes. It’s important to talk about blame because many times we do this without realizing that we are doing it.
Blaming is simply giving responsibility for something that we think has gone wrong, to someone or something else.
We live in a day and age when blaming is the norm, and it is 100% acceptable.
Why do we blame?
The main reason that we blame others is to avoid feeling certain thoughts and/or emotions.
Our brains are really good at believing what we tell them to believe. When we can blame someone else, we feel and emotional sense of relief.
We use blame as a defense against feeling unwanted emotions such as shame and embarrassment.
Blaming turns you into the victim.
When we blame others, we shift our focus to something, often someone, that is out of our control. This turns us into a victim. Now, in our minds, we are at the mercy of the person or thing that we are blaming. Rather than having the power to change our circumstances, we try to depend on others to change.
So Now What?
#1 Increase your awareness around blaming
Many of us blame others and make excuses without even thinking about it. It is a habit and part of who we are. The first step is to become aware of when you are blaming or making excuses. By doing this, you can also gain some awareness of the emotions that you are trying to avoid by blaming.
For me it is almost always, if not always, shame that I try to avoid. By blaming others, I try to shift the burden of shame to them.
#2 Identify what you can control and take responsibility for that.
Usually when we blame, we try to shift our focus from something within our control to something outside of our control.
I invite you to get curious and find what is within your control and take responsibility for that. Doesn’t matter how good or true the excuse is, or how real the blame is, take responsibility for what you CAN control. This puts you in a position of power.
#3 Practice, practice, practice
If you’re like most people, this is going to be a shift for you, and it will take time and practice.
Practice awareness. Much of this will take place in the thought line of the mode. Some will take place in the feeling line.
Practice experiencing the emotion that you are trying to avoid. This will take place in the feeling line.
Practice the habit of taking responsibility.
Call to ACTION!
Get on a FREE consultation call with me today to see how you can stop pushing your teen away and start connecting with them right where they are.
“We live in a world where most people still subscribe to the belief that shame is a good tool for keeping people in line. Not only is this wrong, but it’s dangerous.” ~Brené Brown
What is Shame?
“Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.” ~Brené Brown
“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” ~Brené Brown
Shame drives parents and teens apart and creates a belief that you’re not good enough.
Emotion
It’s a feeling caused by a thought (conscious or unconscious)
It goes hand in hand with our personal narrative, inner dialogue, the stories we tell ourselves.
When we feel shame, we believe there is something wrong with us.
We start to look at ourselves negatively.
Action
We look at others negatively.
We try to manipulate their emotions negatively.
We assume that there’s a better way.
And that they should be doing better.
“You should have…”
“You should …”
“You need …”
“You’re not ____ enough.”
“You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”
Culture
How we look at things that are different from ourselves, our expectations, or our desired outcomes.
We see shame in:
Politics
Religion
Race
Sports
Education
It’s our mindsets and belief
Right vs. Wrong
Good vs. Evil
Normal vs. Abnormal
Superior vs. Inferior
It’s a way to push agendas, social conformity, and it often lifts one group above another.
What Can We Do About Shame?
Our own emotion vs. someone else’s emotion
Allow the shame.
Explore the shame.
Often we want to push it away.
Ignoring it or pushing it to others with blaming.
We hide, get mad, or buffer.
The only way to process the emotion is to allow it.
Become aware of our own shame.
Understand why we are feeling shame. What are the thoughts causing it?
Question the thoughts. Why do I think that?
Become intentional about your own shame.
Think on purpose.
Practice allowing, awareness, and intentionality.
The action of shaming
“You cannot shame or belittle people into changing their behaviors.” ~Brené Brown
When you do it.
Become aware of it.
When do you do it?
What are you feeling?
What are you thinking?
Act intentionally.
When others do it.
Realize that you CANNOT change them.
Choose whether or not to believe their thoughts.
No one can make you feel shame.
People can “shame” you, but you don’t have to feel shame.
Don’t shame back.
Culture of shame.
Embrace everyone as equality valuable
Think in terms of right AND wrong, instead of right OR wrong.
Strive to understand
Trust that everyone is doing their best!
Trust that you are doing your best.
You CANNOT Change Others, BUT You CAN Be The Change You Are Looking For!
You can’t change others, but YOU CAN change yourself.
We are all guilty of shaming people. It’s okay, let’s just commit to moving forward and becoming more intentional.
Trust that YOU ARE doing your best. And, give EVERYONE else the same benefit.
If you haven’t yet, join our FREE Be the Change Challenge. Each day we will be doing simple 5-10 minute daily exercises to help give you a powerful perspective on your role as a parent and your ability to be the catalyst for incredible change in your life and your relationship with your teen.
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