by Ben | Mar 31, 2022 | Podcast
Believe it or not, this is one of my ALL TIME favorite questions that I get from parents.
No Matter What I Do, My Teen Won’t Change
One of the things that I hear a lot is, “We’ve tried EVERYTHING, and nothing we do works.”
To which I usually ask, “How do you know nothing is working?”
And the parents typically replay, “My teen won’t change.”
If you’ve ever thought that “nothing is working” when it comes to your teens, it’s probably because you are focused on changing your teen.
My favorite question that I often get from parents is, “My teen won’t change, now what?”
The reason I like that question so much is because it typically means that they’ve tried changing their teen, they’ve realized that they can’t change their teen, and they want to know what they CAN do.
If this is you, and you’re starting to realize that you can’t change your teen, and you’re left wondering, “Now what!?!” this podcast is for you.
Where Is Your Attention?
One of the reasons that I like this question is because it reflects a shift in attention. It shows that the parents are willing to shift their attention from changing their teen to something else, “Now what?”
Most parents get stuck fixating their attention on the behavior of their teen. They catastrophize about all the things that are going “wrong” and the scary worst-case scenarios that are possible.
If you want to change your teen, you’re attention is on something that you can’t control, your teen.
But, when you ask “Now what?” you shift your attention to new possibilities.
“Now What?” has limitless possibilities.
Often, when parents come to me asking, “Now what?” there is a sense of desperation.
They feel like they’ve tried everything, that nothing works, and their desperation positions them to be willing to explore new options.
So, Now What?
First of all, don’t beat yourself up for not being able to change, fix, or control your teen.
It’s not your job. You don’t have the power to change, fix, or control your teen.
You haven’t done anything wrong, so please show yourself some compassion.
And second, take all of that energy that you were spending on your teen and spend it on you.
That’s right, let go of the things outside of your control and embrace the things that you can control yourself.
For some parents, this looks like letting your teen be grumpy, depressed, and unhappy, and shifting your focus from making them happy to being happy yourself.
For some parents it looks like exploring ways that you can be the change that you want for your teen.
For example, one of the things that parents ask all the time is, “How can I help my teen be more confident?”
My answer is usually, “How can you be the change you’re looking for? How can you be more confident? How can you be more confident in your teen?”
Bottom line is, there are countless things that you can do, EVEN if your teen isn’t willing to do anything different.
Simply ask yourself the question, “Now what?” and go with whatever you come up with.
Call to ACTION!
Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! It’s better than ever!
![#078 Getting Out Of Your Comfort Zone With Ali Terry!]()
by Ben | Dec 9, 2021 | Podcast
Most parents come to me because they’re uncomfortable, but once they start changing and growing they get uncomfortable again.
Discomfort Sparks Growth
Most people who sign up for coaching with me do it because they are experiencing discomfort of some kind.
They want to change something so that they can feel better.
Discomfort isn’t a problem, it’s just part of the human experience. Discomfort helps us know when something is wrong. Discomfort helps us know that it’s time to make a change.
Discomfort has the power to fuel the effort to create a change.
When we can look at discomfort this way, without judgment and shame, we can see discomfort as simply an invitation to start growing and creating change.
Often time, it’s discomfort itself that sparks our willingness to make a change.
Growth comes with Discomfort
As I mentioned, most parents who come to me looking for coaching, are coming to me because they are experiencing discomfort.
One of the things that parents realize is that just because they started growing and changing doesn’t mean that their discomfort will go away.
In fact, growth itself is uncomfortable.
If you’re like most parents, when you started working on your own growth, you simply traded your old discomfort for a new discomfort.
It’s important to realize that discomfort doesn’t mean that something has gone wrong.
In fact, discomfort can mean that everything is going right.
Discomfort can mean that you are actually growing and transforming.
Identify and Lean Into The Discomfort
It’s important to identify the discomfort that you are experiencing.
Is your discomfort telling you that something needs to change?
Is your discomfort showing you that you are in the process of growing?
Most of the world tries to avoid all discomfort at all costs.
Once you identify your discomfort, what it feels like, what’s causing it, you have the power to choose whether or not you will continue with the discomfort.
Most of The World Tries To Avoid Discomfort
If you’re like most parents, like most humans actually, you try to avoid discomfort.
This is something that we are hard-wired to do. Avoiding discomfort keeps us safe and comfortable.
The problem is, this also keeps you from growth!
Avoiding discomfort will halt your own personal growth.
This is why it’s important to continuously embrace discomfort.
Embrace Discomfort As Part of The Process
Discomfort is part of the process of growth and improvement.
Embrace it!
It doesn’t mean that anything has gone wrong.
Oftentimes the discomfort that we’re avoiding, like fear, worry, or anger, is actually exactly what we need to lean into for growth.
This has been true of the parents that I work with that are afraid and worried about their teen’s choices.
5 Simple Tips to Manage and Grow Through Discomfort
- Be Aware of Your Discomfort
- Where is your discomfort coming from?
- What’s causing your discomfort?
- Whereare you feeling the discomfort?
- Is it inviting you to change?
- Is it due to growth?
2. Buckle Up
- This is going to be a ride!
- Be committed to the process.
- Don’t give up when it’s hard and uncomfortable.
- Be willind to change and do something different.
3. Choose Your Discomfort Based On Desired Results
- It’s uncomfortable to go to the gym, but we do it becuase we want the results of being healthy.
- Understand that you will likely be uncomfortable either way, might as well choose the discomfort that connects to your goals.
4. Lean Into Your Fear
- Sometimes the thing making you uncomfortable is the actual answer or solution.
- Be willing to lean into the uncomfortable emotion.
5. Be Patient, Allow the Growth Rather Than Forcing It
- Don’t Force It
- Have Compassion For Yourself.
Call to ACTION!
Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership! It’s better than ever!
