#020 How to Motivate Your Teen

by Ben | Oct 29, 2020 | Podcast

“What can I do to motivate my teen?” This is one of the questions that I get asked the most. But first, we should be asking ourselves, “Why do I want to motivate my teen?”

“Motivation is a fickle friend. It’s here one day and gone the next. I find that determination is a stubbornly powerful emotion that helps me accomplish my biggest goals whether I’m motivated or not.”
~ Ben Pugh

“All kids need is a little help, a little hope, and someone who believes in them.”
~ Magic Johnson

Definition of Motivation (according to Google)

Motivation: noun
1. the reason or reasons one has for acting or behaving in a particular way.
2. the general desire or willingness of someone to do something.

Motivate: verb
1. provide (someone) with a motive for doing something.
2. stimulate (someone’s) interest in or enthusiasm for doing something.

Motive: noun
1. a reason for doing something, especially one that is hidden or not obvious.

I think it’s important to remember that the motivation that we want to give to our teens is an emotion. We can’t give someone else an emotion. We can’t make someone else feel something. Other people’s emotions are dependent upon their own thoughts and beliefs.

Why do you want to motivate your teen?

This is a powerful question and one that I have to remind myself of often.

I’ve found that when I want to motivate my teen, it’s because I want him to do life differently. I want HIM TO CHANGE.

This has been consistent with the parents who are looking for help motivating their teens. They want to motivate them to be different and to do things differently.

It’s important to be aware of what we really want when we want to motivate our teens. It’s powerful to get clear on what we want and to understand why we want it.

Here’s some examples:

“I want to motivate my teen to work harder at school.” WHY? “Because good grades are important to us.” WHY? “Because I’m worried that if he doesn’t get good grades he will limit his possibilities.” WHY? “I don’t like feeling worried.”

Understanding the examples above helps us understand why we want to motivate our teens. Yes, we want them to experience success. Yes, we want them to have high standards. BUT, it’s also important to remember that we have our own selfish reasons behind our desire to motivate them as well. For example we want them to be doing something “better.” We don’t want to have to worry about them.

Usually, when we want to motivate our teens, it’s because we think they “SHOULD” be doing something differently.

So, when it comes to motivating a teen, what can I do?

I’m so glad you asked. When it comes to parents wanting to motivate their teens, there’s a handful of things that I recommend.

• Understand what your motives are.
  • Why do you want to motivate them?
  • What’s in it for you?
• Remember what your role is.
  • We’ve talked on past podcasts about knowing your role.
  • Love them unconditionally
  • Provide for their needs.
• Define what’s within your control.
  • My thoughts
  • My emotions
  • My actions
• Define what’s within your teen’s control.
  • Their thoughts
  • Their emotions
  • Their actions
• Use positive and negative consequences.
  • I like to be very heavy-handed on the positives
  • Let them have a say as to what positive and negative consequences motivate them.
• Support thoughts and beliefs that create motivation and determination.

#019 Relationships Strengthen Resilience

by Ben | Oct 22, 2020 | Podcast

Lots of parents want their teens to be more resilient, but they don’t know where to start. Start with YOUR relationship!

“While much of the research on resilience focuses on individual strengths, it’s social support that may matter the most.”
~ Jill Suttie

“How resilient we are may have as much to do with our social milieu and circle of support as it does with our personal strengths.”
~Jill Suttie

Relationships are part of resilience!

Resilience is a hot buzzword right now in education, which is making it be a hot buzzword in parenting too.

This is great! It’s important that we understand resilience and become more aware of what we are doing to increase our resilience. But, I worry that too many parents and teachers believe that they are not qualified to help our teens develop resilience.

You are qualified! You have the tools to help your teen build resilience.

In the article, The Road to Resilience, from The American Psychological Association, resilience is directly tied to our relationhsips.

“Many studies show that the primary factor in resilience is having caring and supportive relationships within and outside the family. Relationships that create love and trust, provide role models, and offer encouragement and reassurance help bolster a person’s resilience.”
The Road to Resilience ~ The American Psychological Association

As a parent, you have the power to have a powerful impact on your teen’s resilience.

No, you can’t force them to be resilient, you can’t make them have a different mindset, but YOU CAN be a powerful force in their life. YOU CAN provide love, trust, support, examples, encouragement, and commitment to love and YOUR relationship with them.

As a principal, I made relationships a priority in our school and it changed EVERYTHING!

We held events with the specific goal of creating opportunities to connect our teachers and staff with our students and their parents.

We did BBQs and Dutch oven deserts with our students and their parents.

We did outdoor activities like kayaking, swimming, cliff jumping, and beach games with our students, all in an effort to provide opportunities to build relationships.

We took our students to do fun activities with the staff, like playing laser tag, ice skating, hiking and exploring, and even going to theme parks.

As a foster parent, my wife and I bent over backwards to treat our foster kids like family. When we did things as a family, WE ALL did those activities. We took our foster kids to theme parks, water parks, played games, and did anything in our power to provide opportunities to build relationships.

What’s the evidence of increased resilience?

In our home, with our foster kids and our own kids, we saw more effort to succeed, follow family rules, and connect with each other. They were more willing to come to us for support when they were struggling. They had confidence that no matter the struggle, they would come out on top.

As our relationships strengthened, we found that we stayed out of the box towards them.

As our relationships strengthened, we found it easier to keep struggles and setbacks in perspective.

As our relationships strengthened, we found that our resilience as parents increased, which led to us role modeling resilience.

At my school we saw graduation rates skyrocket from the mid 50% range to 88% my last 3 years. We saw suspensions and office discipline referrals decrease immensely. Or student attendance increased. Our students even told us that they enjoyed school. Our teacher and staff absenteeism and annual turnover decreased because teachers now enjoyed being at our school.

When our students struggled in school with grades, attendance, or behavior, they were able to put in the work and bounce back.

When our students struggled at home with abuse, neglect, or trouble with the law, they were able to lean on their relationships from the school and pull through.

Relationships changed EVERYTHING!