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by Ben | Jul 8, 2021 | Podcast
Most parents go through life never really thinking about what their values are.
“Whatever you have and do not have is a reflection of your values.”
~ Jim Fortin
What are Values?
Values are your beliefs about what is and is not important. Values are our principles, standards, and priorities.
Values are deep-seated beliefs and ways of thinking that motivate and drive our actions.
Your values live in your subconscious thoughts. Usually, you don’t even know about them, but they still impact your actions and behaviors, such as unconscious habits.
Your values are a way of BEing. You live and express your values subconsciously without even thinking.
Your values drive you.
Your current results and reality are a reflection of your values.
“Whatever you have and do not have is a reflection of your values.”
~ Jim Fortin
What are YOUR Values?
If you’re like most people, you’ve never stopped to think, “What are my values? What values am I going to let drive my life today?”
You’ve probably just lived your life without putting much thought into your values.
If you want to know what your values are, look at your current reality.
Once I claimed to value health. My life chuckled at me later that night when I scooped out an extra HUGE bowl of ice cream. My reality showed me that I valued taste, comfort, and immediate satisfaction over health and delayed gratification.
What is your current reality and what is it telling you about your values?
Are you fighting with your teen a lot? You might value control or being right.
Do you feel miserable in your job? You might value freedom. The fact that you have a job may indicate that you value money and paying bills.
How do you feel in your current relationships? What are your relationships telling you about your values?
Your Values Belong to You, NOBODY ELSE!
Your values belong to you and nobody else. You can’t force your values on anyone else. You can’t expect others to live up to your values, value your values, or meet your needs associated with your values.
Your values are yours.
Many of us share values. Some are outer values like religion, politics, sports teams. Many of us share inner values like integrity, hard work, freedom.
Ultimately it’s your job to live aligned with your values.
It’s nice when people value our values, but that’s not within our control.
I invite you to respect and value the values of others. It doesn’t mean that you have to agree with them or go against your values, just don’t try to change them to embrace your values.
Love languages is a great example of this.
You’re empowered by knowing your love languages. It’s powerful knowing your spouse’s love language. But it’s not your job to meet their emotional needs. It’s yours. Same with values.
It’s Possible to Live Conflicting Values
Sometimes people live with conflicting values. This causes emotional discomfort.
Understand & Choose Your Values
Seek to understand your current values. Look at your current results and reality for evidence of what your values are. When you develop this awareness and understanding, you can develop more intentionality.
When you understand what values are creating your current reality, you can choose if you want to continue allowing those values to drive your life.
You have the power to choose your values.
You have the power to let go of values that no longer serve you.
Recently I chose to let go of my value of Hard Work. I was raised on a farm. I grew up milking cows, hauling hay, and working with large animals. It was hard work. I learned to value hard work. I believed that my value was tied to my ability to work hard.
A few years ago, when I injured my back, I started questioning the value of hard work.
A few months ago I was completely booked solid. I was working hard in my business, but I wasn’t happy. Hard work had trumped my values of Freedom and Family. I had to take a look at my values and intentionally choose which values I would let drive my business.
Some of My Current Values
- Freedom
- Family
- Relationships
- Personal Growth
- Service
- Honesty
- Faith
- Kindness
- Impact and Influence
Call to ACTION!
Join our parenting membership. You can transform yourself as a parent!
Stop worrying that you are doing it all wrong, and join the Firmly Founded Parent TODAY!
This is the first and most powerful step in changing from the inside out when it comes to your parenting.
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by Ben | May 13, 2021 | Podcast
You don’t have to parent from Shame or Fear!
“Really loving your teens well, starts with loving yourself well!”
—Angie
YOU ARE Capable of Transformation Just Like Angie!
Angie is a mom of 4 and wanted to get coaching to be more intentional with her parenting.
She realized that she was doing a lot of parenting out of either shame or fear. She was worried about what others thought about her and her parenting. This lead to her parenting in an attempt to please others that wasn’t actually aligned with her values.
I wanted to share with you some of Angie’s parenting models that she shared with us on the podcast.
C- Teen’s choices
T- She’s going to ruin her future or chances (What happens this year is final).
F- Fear
A- Nagging, threatening. trying to control her.
R- Negative interactions with daughter
C- Teen’s choices
T- I am a great parent
F- Excitement
A- Pay attention to my kids.
R- A better relationship with my kids.
When parents parent out of fear, they are likely catastrophizing!
I use the term catastrophizing to mean when parents are thinking of all the worst possible scenarios. They are worried that they or their teen are doing something terribly wrong that will have a detrimental impact on their teen’s life.
Catastrophizing always leads to parenting out of fear or shame.
Angie found that if she trusts her teenager, she shows up differently as a mom.
It’s so Important to Develop Confidence As A Parent
it was fun to hear Angie talk about having confidence in her own parenting. She described it as, “Understanding my own values. Working through my own values. Understanding what I believe in, and having the confidence to parent that way, even if it looks different from what other people do.”
If you never take the time to define what your role is, your role probably won’t match the vision you have for yourself.
Many times we think we need to try to control our teens to prove that we’re a good parent., but this is playing by other people’s rules. You’re trying to do what others think is important when it comes to parenting and this will defeat you.
Instead, believe that YOU ARE a good parent.
Angie said, “I’m a great parent by my own standards.” This is all that matters. It doesn’t matter what other parents think about you, parent to your standards and expectations.
When You Define Your Role, You Can Be Intentional In That Role.
Because Angie knows her personal role as a parent, she is able to be intentional with her relationships with her kids.
Often times we feel like we are at the mercy of our teens when it comes to our role as a parent or our relationship with them. Instead, think of a newborn. You love them no matter what. You are choosing to love them no matter what. For some reason, we forget how to do that with our teens.
Teens are just doing their best. Often times they look like adults, and they act like adults, but their brains are not yet fully developed. Keep this in mind when it comes to connecting with your teen.
Call to ACTION!
Stop beating yourself up for your parenting “mistakes”.
Stop worrying that you are doing it all wrong, and join the Firmly Founded Parent TODAY!
This is the first and most powerful step in developing confidence in yourself and your parenting.
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by Ben | May 6, 2021 | Podcast
You have the power to transform YOUR relationships with others, NO MATTER WHAT!
“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.”
—Morrie Schwartz, from Tuesdays with Morrie
“Love cures people—both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.”
—Karl Menninger
YOU Can Be The Change You Want To See!
I know I always say this, but it’s still true! You CAN be the change that you want to see in your teen.
Lately, I’ve done a lot of relationship coaching on with one spouse or another about their relationship with their spouse, or with a mother-in-law, or with a parent. I use the same rules to coach them on these relationships as I use to coach them on their relationship with their teen.
You cannot change your spouse, your mother-in-law, or your parents. If you try, it will only cause contention. Your focus will be on them and their model and not on you or your model. This will put you in the position of the victim and you will have no power to change anything.
Instead, I invite you to explore how YOU can be the change that you want to see in your these relationships.
What Is a Relationship Transformation?
Relationship transformations happen when you change how you think about the other person in the relationship, how you feel towards them, and how you act towards them.
Notice that it DOES NOT require the other person to change or do anything.
How You Think:
How you think about someone dictates how to feel about them and towards them.
Your thoughts are simply the stories in your head that you tell yourself about the other person. Maybe stories like:
“They are so selfish,” or
“They only think of themselves,” or
“They are the ones who should . . .”
The stories you tell yourself about them will determine how you feel about and towards them.
Try stories like:
“They are doing their best,” or
“I like it when they . . . ” or
“I’m grateful for the way they . . . “
This will help create more loving and compassionate stories.
How You Feel:
Again, this is created by what you think. Take a minute and explore how you are feeling towards the other person.
Is it anger, resentment, frustration, disappointment, or some other unpleasant emotion?
How would you like to feel towards them, love, compassion, patience, curiosity?
Once you understand how you feel and why (what thoughts are creating those feelings), you can now start to work on feeling the way you want to feel towards them (by intentionally choosing how you think about them).
How You Act:
Your feelings are constantly driving actions and inactions. How are you currently acting towards your loved one?
Are you trying to change them? Are you arguing with them, yelling at them, fighting with them.
How you would you like to act towards them? What would that change for YOU?
Transformations In My Life (From Caterpillar to Butterfly)
I have been blessed to witness powerful transformations in my life.
My brother Jason and I had a really rough relationship. There was a time where he chased me down the driveway, with a sword overhead, intent on killing me. Later as adults, we nearly got in a fistfight over a $20 piece of junk.
One day my brother and me, and our spouses, went to the mountains to get firewood for my parents. I am a hard worker, and I don’t like working with people who don’t work hard because I feel like I’m doing all the work. This day I was blown away by what a hard worker my little brother was. Instantly I started to feel appreciation for him. I was grateful that he was there helping, and I was proud of what a hard worker he was.
Something in our relationship changed. We became best friends. We cared for each other and wanted to serve each other. Our last conversation was an argument over who should take home some yummy leftovers. I wanted him to have them. He wanted me to have them. We just wanted the other to be happy.
Don’t Simply Be a Better Caterpillar, Become a Butterfly
Let yourself completely be transformed. Let your relationships completely change. Stop holding on to old thoughts and beliefs. Let go of the grudges and the negative emotions.
Allow the transformation to happen. You’ll be grateful that you did!
Call to ACTION!
Join the Firmly Founded Parent TODAY!
![#056 What are your Parenting values?]()
by Ben | Oct 29, 2020 | Podcast
“What can I do to motivate my teen?” This is one of the questions that I get asked the most. But first, we should be asking ourselves, “Why do I want to motivate my teen?”
“Motivation is a fickle friend. It’s here one day and gone the next. I find that determination is a stubbornly powerful emotion that helps me accomplish my biggest goals whether I’m motivated or not.”
~ Ben Pugh
“All kids need is a little help, a little hope, and someone who believes in them.”
~ Magic Johnson
Definition of Motivation (according to Google)
Motivation: noun
1. the reason or reasons one has for acting or behaving in a particular way.
2. the general desire or willingness of someone to do something.
Motivate: verb
1. provide (someone) with a motive for doing something.
2. stimulate (someone’s) interest in or enthusiasm for doing something.
Motive: noun
1. a reason for doing something, especially one that is hidden or not obvious.
I think it’s important to remember that the motivation that we want to give to our teens is an emotion. We can’t give someone else an emotion. We can’t make someone else feel something. Other people’s emotions are dependent upon their own thoughts and beliefs.
Why do you want to motivate your teen?
This is a powerful question and one that I have to remind myself of often.
I’ve found that when I want to motivate my teen, it’s because I want him to do life differently. I want HIM TO CHANGE.
This has been consistent with the parents who are looking for help motivating their teens. They want to motivate them to be different and to do things differently.
It’s important to be aware of what we really want when we want to motivate our teens. It’s powerful to get clear on what we want and to understand why we want it.
Here’s some examples:
“I want to motivate my teen to work harder at school.” WHY? “Because good grades are important to us.” WHY? “Because I’m worried that if he doesn’t get good grades he will limit his possibilities.” WHY? “I don’t like feeling worried.”
Understanding the examples above helps us understand why we want to motivate our teens. Yes, we want them to experience success. Yes, we want them to have high standards. BUT, it’s also important to remember that we have our own selfish reasons behind our desire to motivate them as well. For example we want them to be doing something “better.” We don’t want to have to worry about them.
Usually, when we want to motivate our teens, it’s because we think they “SHOULD” be doing something differently.
So, when it comes to motivating a teen, what can I do?
I’m so glad you asked. When it comes to parents wanting to motivate their teens, there’s a handful of things that I recommend.
- Understand what your motives are.
- Why do you want to motivate them?
- What’s in it for you?
- Remember what your role is.
- We’ve talked on past podcasts about knowing your role.
- Love them unconditionally
- Provide for their needs.
- Define what’s within your control.
- My thoughts
- My emotions
- My actions
- Define what’s within your teen’s control.
- Their thoughts
- Their emotions
- Their actions
- Use positive and negative consequences.
- I like to be very heavy-handed on the positives
- Let them have a say as to what positive and negative consequences motivate them.
- Support thoughts and beliefs that create motivation and determination.
Call to ACTION!
Take my FREE Teen-Relationship Tune-Up Training and learn how to fix ANY relationship in less than 15 minutes.
You can have a rock-solid relationship with your teen!
It’s easier than you think, and it WILL change everything.
You will both be more resilient. I promise!
The Doors Are Open! Become a Member of Parenting with Perspective!
Do you want to become confident in your parenting?
Are you ready to stop power struggling with your teenager?
Do you just want help and support from other parents just like you?
Are you ready to build a rock-solid relationship with your teen?
You can achieve all of this and more by becoming a member of Parenting with Perspective!
As a member, you’ll get:
- 🔥 Exclusive trainings for parenting teens in 2020
- 📅 Weekly LIVE Zoom Calls
- Monthly training
- 2 times/month Q&A Zoom calls
- Monthly Guest Expert Call
- 🧑🤝🧑 Unlimited access to our community of like-minded parents
- 🏆 Access to our expert coaches
- 🎯 Learn ways to have a powerful impact on your teen’s life
- 😎 Build unshakable confidence in yourself as a parent
- 🏗️ Build a rock-solid relationship with your teen
- 📚 Access to our growing library of resources
🤯 ONLY $57 A MONTH! 🤯
![#056 What are your Parenting values?]()
by Ben | Oct 22, 2020 | Podcast
Lots of parents want their teens to be more resilient, but they don’t know where to start. Start with YOUR relationship!
“While much of the research on resilience focuses on individual strengths, it’s social support that may matter the most.”
~ Jill Suttie
“How resilient we are may have as much to do with our social milieu and circle of support as it does with our personal strengths.”
~Jill Suttie
Relationships are part of resilience!
Resilience is a hot buzzword right now in education, which is making it be a hot buzzword in parenting too.
This is great! It’s important that we understand resilience and become more aware of what we are doing to increase our resilience. But, I worry that too many parents and teachers believe that they are not qualified to help our teens develop resilience.
You are qualified! You have the tools to help your teen build resilience.
In the article, The Road to Resilience, from The American Psychological Association, resilience is directly tied to our relationhsips.
“Many studies show that the primary factor in resilience is having caring and supportive relationships within and outside the family. Relationships that create love and trust, provide role models, and offer encouragement and reassurance help bolster a person’s resilience.”
The Road to Resilience ~ The American Psychological Association
As a parent, you have the power to have a powerful impact on your teen’s resilience.
No, you can’t force them to be resilient, you can’t make them have a different mindset, but YOU CAN be a powerful force in their life. YOU CAN provide love, trust, support, examples, encouragement, and commitment to love and YOUR relationship with them.
As a principal, I made relationships a priority in our school and it changed EVERYTHING!
We held events with the specific goal of creating opportunities to connect our teachers and staff with our students and their parents.
We did BBQs and Dutch oven deserts with our students and their parents.
We did outdoor activities like kayaking, swimming, cliff jumping, and beach games with our students, all in an effort to provide opportunities to build relationships.
We took our students to do fun activities with the staff, like playing laser tag, ice skating, hiking and exploring, and even going to theme parks.
As a foster parent, my wife and I bent over backwards to treat our foster kids like family. When we did things as a family, WE ALL did those activities. We took our foster kids to theme parks, water parks, played games, and did anything in our power to provide opportunities to build relationships.
What’s the evidence of increased resilience?
In our home, with our foster kids and our own kids, we saw more effort to succeed, follow family rules, and connect with each other. They were more willing to come to us for support when they were struggling. They had confidence that no matter the struggle, they would come out on top.
As our relationships strengthened, we found that we stayed out of the box towards them.
As our relationships strengthened, we found it easier to keep struggles and setbacks in perspective.
As our relationships strengthened, we found that our resilience as parents increased, which led to us role modeling resilience.
At my school we saw graduation rates skyrocket from the mid 50% range to 88% my last 3 years. We saw suspensions and office discipline referrals decrease immensely. Or student attendance increased. Our students even told us that they enjoyed school. Our teacher and staff absenteeism and annual turnover decreased because teachers now enjoyed being at our school.
When our students struggled in school with grades, attendance, or behavior, they were able to put in the work and bounce back.
When our students struggled at home with abuse, neglect, or trouble with the law, they were able to lean on their relationships from the school and pull through.
Relationships changed EVERYTHING!
Call to ACTION!
Take my FREE Teen-Relationship Tune-Up Training and learn how to fix ANY relationship in less than 15 minutes.
You can have a rock-sollid relationship with your teen!
It’s easier than you think, and it WILL change everything.
You will both be more resilient. I promise!
The Doors Are Open! Become a Member of Parenting with Perspective!
Do you want to become confident in your parenting?
Are you ready to stop power struggling with your teenager?
Do you just want help and support from other parents just like you?
Are you ready to build a rock-solid relationship with your teen?
You can achieve all of this and more by becoming a member of Parenting with Perspective!
As a member, you’ll get:
- 🔥 Exclusive trainings for parenting teens in 2020
- 📅 Weekly LIVE Zoom Calls
- Monthly training
- 2 times/month Q&A Zoom calls
- Monthly Guest Expert Call
- 🧑🤝🧑 Unlimited access to our community of like-minded parents
- 🏆 Access to our expert coaches
- 🎯 Learn ways to have a powerful impact on your teen’s life
- 😎 Build unshakable confidence in yourself as a parent
- 🏗️ Build a rock-solid relationship with your teen
- 📚 Access to our growing library of resources
🤯 ONLY $57 A MONTH! 🤯
