#119 Tips for Negotiating with Your Teen

#119 Tips for Negotiating with Your Teen

Negotiation Is Important

Sometimes I say things that go completely against the grain.

This might be one of those things that might be different from what you’ve learned.

But I’m going to say it.

Negotiation with your teen IS IMPORTANT!

There’s some advice out there telling parents to stop negotiating with their teens. Saying, things like, “You’re the parent. Your teen needs

to do what you say.”

The problem is, even though you are the parent, that doesn’t mean that you control your teen.

They are in control of themselves.

And if you lucky like me, your teen is nice enough to live by your rules and give you a certain degree of control, even they they could take it away in an instant.

After years of working with teens. one thing I’ve learned is that if you try to control too much of their life, they will take back control, sometimes very drastically.

This is why negotiation is so important.

Negotiation is respecting the fact that neither one of you controls the other and making an effort to agree on something that supports the values of both parties.

If you are raising a teenager, I highly recommend that you start mastering the art of negotiating with your teenager.

The Risks of Not Negotiating With Your Teen

First off, I want to be 100% honest and say that there are some things that are NON-NEGOTIABLE with my teen.

These are things that I’m not willing to budge on.

It’s okay to have non-negotiables.

Take some time to get to know what those are for you, but everything shouldn’t be a non-negotiable, or no one will ever want to negotiate with you.

There’s someone in my life that anytime we wanted to go out to eat with her, you had to go to one of the places that she wanted to go to or she’d refuse to go or complain the whole time.

She would never negotiate. It was always here way or the highway.

I hate to say it, but we rarely go out to eat with her because of her unwillingness to negotiate.

If you refuse to negotiate with your teen, you run the risk of them being unwilling to involve you in their life.

You run the risk of them deciding to completely go against your decision and doing what they wanted all along.

If you control too many things in your teen’s life, you run the risk of them taking control via drastic measures like running away, blatantly breaking rules, self-harming, and even suicide.

Negotiating Will Help You Build Stronger Relationships

Now that we got the downer side out of the way, there are also some serious benefits to negotiating with your teen.

Here are a few of the benefits that I was able to think of:

  • Negotiating builds stronger relationships.
  • It models powerful communication.
  • It models how to understand your values and the values of others.
  • It teaches your teen how to put themselves in the shoes of others.
  • Negotiating helps you and your teen come up with better solutions.
  • It promotes buy in and ownership.
  • Now one likes to be steamrolled.

I seriously believe that better negotiation has the power to improve relationships.

I’ve seen it improve communication in my own home and how the systems within our home flow with my own children, and especially with our foster children.

You might not be great at negotiating with your teen because you never saw the example of negotiation with your parents.

Often when I teach this to parents, they tell me, “I wish my parents would have done this with me more.

Common Mistakes

When it comes to parent/teen negotiations, one of the most common problems that I see is simply an unwillingness to negotiate.

I often hear parents say that their teen is the one who is unwilling to negotiate.

As a parent myself, I understand that my teen just wants his way. I get it. So, I take it upon myself to find ways to negotiate whenever possible.

This is an area where, if your teen is unwilling to negotiate, I’d invite you to be the change you want to see. Find a way for YOU to negotiate.

Tips for How To Improve Your Negotiation

  1. Respect your teen and their values
  2. Know your values and your non-negotiables
  3. Get your teen’s input
  4. Voice your input
  5. Explore options with your teen

Join me and my family on a service trip to Mexico!

If you’re tired of getting your kids stuff for Christmas that doesn’t last, come join me and my family on a service trip to Mexico.

If you want to give the gift of life long memories to your teens and your family, come join us.

#114 How to Be the Best Mom(Dad) Ever!

#114 How to Be the Best Mom(Dad) Ever!

Best Mom Ever Summit

On this episode I talk with Allison about the Best Mom Ever virtual summit she is hosting.

It is all about helping parents create the relationship they dream of with their teenagers.

We’re not trying to improve parents. Parents are doing their best. Doing your best is good enough.

We want to help parents embrace Growth instead of being fixed as a parent.

It’s good for our kids to see our imperfections. They aren’t perfect, and neither are we as parents.

Come Learn how to Grow Yourself! And learn how to connect and have the kind of relationship you want with your teen.

Click the link below to sign up.

Best Mom Ever Summit – Sign up Here!

#119 Tips for Negotiating with Your Teen

#112 Is One-Sided Communication Killing Your Relationships?

The Person Who Really Gets You

Do you have a friend who really gets you?

They seem to know and understand how you think, how you feel, and they just get you on a deeper level than anyone else.

In addition to this, they seem to have your best interest at heart. They are eager to serve you.

They probably accept you just as you are!

This is a powerful example of how great communication makes great relationships.

If you want to improve your relationship with someone, improve your communication with them.

Seek to understand them first.

Work to serve and support them.

Accept them just as they are.

When Was Your Last Argument?

If you’re like most people, the last time you were in an argument with someone, you were probably more focused on what you were trying to get them to think, feel, or do then you were on what they were thinking, feeling, or doing.

The problem is, that this places your focus on things outside of your control.

Rather than focusing on what you are communicating, or the energy that you are communicating from, you are focused on how you want the other person to think, feel, do, or receive the communication.

There are two problems:

  1. You communicate from your own experiences.
  2. Your perspective is limited.

You have had very different experiences in your life than your teen has.

It’s only natural that you’d try to communicate with them from your experiences, you’re an expert in all things you, but it’s more powerful to communicate with your teens from shared experiences.

It’s more powerful to seek to understand them that to prove yourself right.

Lack of Communication Skills Strains Relationships

Look at the world right now. Even with all the resources to help us communicate and stay connected, we still struggle to communicate with each other.

Like I mentioned above, most people communicate from their own perspectives (thoughts) and from their own unintentional emotions (feelings) rather than considering the perspectives and emotions of others.

If you want a better relationship with your teen, learn how to better communicate with them.

This is more powerful that you might realize.

At the end of the day, human beings just want to be heard, understood, and to belong.

That’s it!

If you want a better relationship with your teen, or your spouse, or anyone really, listen to them, seek to understand them, and accept them as they are.

Powerful Communication Principles

  • Seek to first understand, then to be understood.
    • Listen
    • Validate
    • Seek to understand their model
      • What are their circumstances?
      • How do they think?
      • How are they feeling?
      • What are their actions?
      • What are the results they’re creating and what results do they want to create?
    • Understand your own model.
    • Show that you either understand, or that you want to understand.
  • Catch and reprogram your automated responses
    • Your automated responses are likely to be unintentional,
    • Catch it and replace it with an intentional response.
    • It helps me to explore different perspective.
    • It helps me to explore different driving emotions.
  • Tell the whole truth.
    • One of the things that kills communication is dishonesty
    • Be honest with yourself and others.
    • Tell the WHOLE truth, not just the convenient of soft truth.
  • Be committed to YOUR relationship with them.
    • It’s powerful to know that NOTHING you can ever do will change how someone feels towards you.
    • Commit to your relationship with your teen, no matter what!
    • Your teen just wants to be heard, understood, and to belong.
    • Commit to that.
  • Speak from a space of service.
    • This is a tricky one.
    • It’s not, “How can I fix you?”
    • It’s “How can I help you?”
  • Seek to first understand, then to be understood.
    • Part of communication is being understood.
    • We don’t want to ignore this.
    • How can you make things relevant to your teen.
    • How can you make things easier to understand?

Join The Firmly Founded Family!

The doors to the Firmly Founded Family membership are now open!

If you want a happier home, this membership is for you.

If you want to give your teen the gift of having a life coach in their corner, this membership is for you and your teen.

If you want this school year to go better than the last, and your not sure how to best support your teen, this membership is for you.

There’s no other membership that we know of that is designed to help both parents and teens.

Inside the membership both you and your teen will get support you need to stop the fighting and struggling and start thriving.