Real Talk about the book Leadership and Self-Deception
What does it mean to be “in the box” towards someone?
Being “In the Box”= Seeing ourselves and others in a systematically distorted way. Others are mere Objects
Being “Out of the Box” = Seeing ourselves and others more or less as we are, as People.
Self-deception is creating stories based on your own reality that doesn’t serve you!
When we are in the box towards someone we generally want to get other people to join in with us and confirm that what we are thinking and feeling is justified.
In the book, Leadership and Self-Deception, there is a story about Kate. She is in the box towards her son for being late home from hanging out with friends. When she was in the box she needed to her son to be doing wrong.
When he shows up on time, but just barely, she still complains about how he is cutting it close.
Kate and her husband were colluding together against their son.
Being the Change
Cortni wanted her husband to read this book since they were in the box against each other. But he didn’t want to. . . until she decided to read it without him and started making changes, then he was finally interested himself.
Ben: Cortni what would you tell someone who thinks this won’t work for them?
Cortni: TRY! Just give it a try. With the membership, give it a shot even for a month. And you will feel so much support from the other moms and Ben. It’s worth it! Just give it a shot.`
Join The Firmly Founded Parent (FFP) Membership
If you want to seriously up-level your parenting, join the membership.
If you’re tired of arguing with your teen and trying to help them even though they don’t want help, join the membership.
If you like 1:1 support, join the membership.
If you want the support of a community of parents just like you, join the community in the membership
I want to walk you through my 10 favorite things to teach parents.
In fact, these principles are not only my favorite things to teach, but they are the things that the parents who I work with consistently tell me have had the most impact on their lives.
So, over the next several episodes, you’ll get access to my top 10 favorite principles.
And, I’m going to teach them in the order that I think would be most beneficial to you.
Do You Know Your Values?
Most people don’t really know what their values are.
They think they know, and they know what they want them to be, but they don’t know what they actually are.
Often times, parents will tell me that their top values are family, connection, and their teen’s development.
But, when we start digging it to it, it turns out that none of these are actually one of their top values.
If you don’t have awareness of your top values, you won’t have intention when it comes to your values.
If you’re like most people, you don’t truly know what your top values are. Rather, you know what you think they “should” be.
In fact, if you’re like most people, and like me when I started digging into my own values, you’re going to be surprised at how many values you’ve simple picked up a long the way and blindly held onto.
Your Values Create Your Results
So, if you want to gain awareness when it comes to your values, start here.
If you want to gain the power and intention over your values, start here.
When it comes to gaining awareness around your values, take some time and look at your current results.
Your weight, your bank account, your relationship with your loved ones, your current profession are all the result of your values.
Because of this, your results will always reflect your values.
If you want to understand what your values are, look at your results and ask yourself, “What values created this result for me?”
Once you have this awareness, you will them be able to intentionally choose your driving values.
The problem is, most people want to skip the awareness step and go straight to the intention step.
If you skip the process of awareness, you will never understand. You will continue to be blindly driven by your unintentional values.
Understanding Your Values Leads to Understanding Your Teen’s Values
I cannot over emphasis just how key this is.
If you want to understand the values of others, you haver to understand your own values.
Most parents, never take the time to truly understand their own values, and as a result, they never truly understand their teen’s values.
If you want to build values based connections with your teen, you need to first understand your values.
Take some time to do the exercise that we talked about above.
Look at your results and ask yourself, “What values created this result for me?”
Once you get good at seeing your own values, you can then ask yourself, “What values created this result for my teen?”
You will be shocked at how many values you and your teen have in common.
Secrets to Values
There are no “RIGHT” or “WRONG” values.
Your values are not better than someone else’s.
We all have roughly the same amount of values in common with others as we do in conflict with others.
People that we like, we choose to focus on our common values.
People that we dislike, often our teens, it’s because we focus on our conflicting values.
If you create experiences you can create powerful transformations and powerful relationships.
We underestimate the power of fun in our lives.
When I took my kids surfing in Hawaii the instructor told us that when we got up to make sure that we looked ahead of us, like at a palm tree. If we looked down in the water, that is where we would end up.
I love this, it fits so perfectly with my favorite saying, “You are where your attention is”
We need to set our intentions and not just let our lives govern us.
You’re just a different person when you have these experiences
There is a version of you that exists that you don’t believe exists right now, when that version of you gets to come to the surface and play and you can go back to your [regular life] and you’re like “yeah, I’ve ridden waves. I rode waves in Puerto Rico”
Here is the link to a free tool they created called “The Map” : https://www.steadfastlifecoaching.com/the-map-audio-training it includes audio recordings intended to “awaken” your inner athlete, adventurer, or child of God in 3-5 minutes. Which ever identity you believe will serve you best in the challenge you’re facing.