#056 What are your Parenting values?

#056 What are your Parenting values?

Most parents go through life never really thinking about what their values are.

“Whatever you have and do not have is a reflection of your values.”
~ Jim Fortin

What are Values?

Values are your beliefs about what is and is not important. Values are our principles, standards, and priorities.

Values are deep-seated beliefs and ways of thinking that motivate and drive our actions.

Your values live in your subconscious thoughts. Usually, you don’t even know about them, but they still impact your actions and behaviors, such as unconscious habits.

Your values are a way of BEing. You live and express your values subconsciously without even thinking.

Your values drive you.

Your current results and reality are a reflection of your values.

“Whatever you have and do not have is a reflection of your values.”
~ Jim Fortin

What are YOUR Values?

If you’re like most people, you’ve never stopped to think, “What are my values? What values am I going to let drive my life today?”

You’ve probably just lived your life without putting much thought into your values.

If you want to know what your values are, look at your current reality.

Once I claimed to value health. My life chuckled at me later that night when I scooped out an extra HUGE bowl of ice cream. My reality showed me that I valued taste, comfort, and immediate satisfaction over health and delayed gratification.

What is your current reality and what is it telling you about your values?

Are you fighting with your teen a lot? You might value control or being right.

Do you feel miserable in your job? You might value freedom. The fact that you have a job may indicate that you value money and paying bills.

How do you feel in your current relationships? What are your relationships telling you about your values?

Your Values Belong to You, NOBODY ELSE!

Your values belong to you and nobody else. You can’t force your values on anyone else. You can’t expect others to live up to your values, value your values, or meet your needs associated with your values.

Your values are yours.

Many of us share values. Some are outer values like religion, politics, sports teams. Many of us share inner values like integrity, hard work, freedom.

Ultimately it’s your job to live aligned with your values.

It’s nice when people value our values, but that’s not within our control.

I invite you to respect and value the values of others. It doesn’t mean that you have to agree with them or go against your values, just don’t try to change them to embrace your values.

Love languages is a great example of this.

You’re empowered by knowing your love languages. It’s powerful knowing your spouse’s love language. But it’s not your job to meet their emotional needs. It’s yours. Same with values.

It’s Possible to Live Conflicting Values

Sometimes people live with conflicting values. This causes emotional discomfort.

Understand & Choose Your Values

Seek to understand your current values. Look at your current results and reality for evidence of what your values are. When you develop this awareness and understanding, you can develop more intentionality.

When you understand what values are creating your current reality, you can choose if you want to continue allowing those values to drive your life.

You have the power to choose your values.

You have the power to let go of values that no longer serve you.

Recently I chose to let go of my value of Hard Work. I was raised on a farm. I grew up milking cows, hauling hay, and working with large animals. It was hard work. I learned to value hard work. I believed that my value was tied to my ability to work hard.

A few years ago, when I injured my back, I started questioning the value of hard work.

A few months ago I was completely booked solid. I was working hard in my business, but I wasn’t happy. Hard work had trumped my values of Freedom and Family. I had to take a look at my values and intentionally choose which values I would let drive my business.

Some of My Current Values

  • Freedom
  • Family
  • Relationships
  • Personal Growth
  • Service
  • Honesty
  • Faith
  • Kindness
  • Impact and Influence

Call to ACTION!

Join our parenting membership. You can transform yourself as a parent!

Stop worrying that you are doing it all wrong, and join the Firmly Founded Parent TODAY!

This is the first and most powerful step in changing from the inside out when it comes to your parenting.

#056 What are your Parenting values?

#052 Be the change from the inside out!

Most parents fall into the trap of trying to change things from the outside in, this leaves them powerless.

“Most people think money will make them happy. When in reality, being happy makes you money.”
~ Jim Fortin

Times I’ve Tried to Change From the Outside In.

I’ve got to be honest. I am guilty of trying to change things from the outside in. Even with everything that I know, I still find myself trying to change things from the outside in.

Just yesterday, in fact it was probably today at like 12:30 am on the way home from my oldest son’s basketball tournament, I tried to change something from the outside in.

I wanted my son to go to summer football workouts the next morning and he didn’t want to. I tried to change his mind. I tried to help him see that he was missing out on an opportunity to show up when tons of his teammates will be missing football due to the previous late night.

I tried to help him see that this would be a powerful moment for him to demonstrate his commitment to football to his team and his coaches.

I wanted to change him, how he was showing up in football, and I was losing this battle.

I was totally trying to change something outside of myself, hoping it would change something inside of myself.

I thought, if I could just get him to go to football, he’d be a better football player, he’d dominate the game, everyone would know that my offspring is superior in the sport of football, and I’d be proud!

Inside Out vs Outside In

Most people try to change things from the outside in.

In parenting you might try to change your teen, your spouse, or your teen’s choices, all so you can feel better inside.

When it comes to health, you might try to change your exercise routine, your diet, or your doctor, all so you can be healthier on the inside.

When it comes to wealth, you might try to work extra hours, get a new job or win the lottery, all so that on the inside you can enjoy the benefits of wealth.

The problem is, these are all efforts to change something on the outside so you can experience change on the inside.

Often times when you try to change things outside of yourself, you are focusing on things that you cannot control.

The most powerful way to change is from the inside out!

In PARENTING, rather that trying to change your spouse or teen so you can feel peace and confidence, YOU can BE THE CHANGE!
Change how YOU Think, Feel, and Act. These are all internal changes. Change YOU and how you are BEing.

When it comes to health, change who you are on the inside. I AM HEALTHY! Then, live from that place. As a healthy person, . . . I only eat food that fuels my body, . . . I enjoy regular vigorous activity.

See how the change starts from the inside and then radiates outward?

When it comes to wealth, choose to be wealthy. Choose to be generous and helpful. Choose to be intentional with your money. These all start on the inside.

How to Change from the Inside Out

Step #1

As is the case so often, the first step is awareness. WHERE AM I TRYING TO CHANGE FROM THE OUTSIDE->IN?

Discover the areas where you are trying to change from the outside in. Understand why you want to make these changes, how you would feel, and what you would make it mean for you.

Explore the things outside of your control that you are trying to control.

Ask yourself, “Who do I want to BE to achieve this change?”

Step #2

Start BEing the change you are looking for internally with your thoughts and feelings.

Identify the thoughts that don’t serve you and shift your focus to thoughts that do.

Anytime you are looking for change, you want change because of how you think it will make you feel. Practice feeling that feeling NOW! Let that feeling fuel your actions.

Step #3

Practice!

Practice when it’s easy. Practice when it’s hard.

Practice BEing the change you are looking for.

Practice shifting your focus from the many things outside of your control to the few things within your control.

Call to ACTION!

Join our parenting membership. You can transform yourself as a parent!

Stop worrying that you are doing it all wrong, and join the Firmly Founded Parent TODAY!

This is the first and most powerful step in changing from the inside out when it comes to your parenting.

#056 What are your Parenting values?

#051 Growth Through Tough Parenting Moments with Zach Spafford

Tough parenting moments are opportunities for connection, growth, and increasing your capacity as a parent!

“I no longer make what my kids do mean anything about me.”
~ Zack Spafford

What Tough Parenting Moments DO & DON’T Mean

Becoming a Professional Parent

No one shames profesional atheletes for working to improve themselves. We actually respect them for their dedicaiton and hard work.

Don’t let others hold you back because of their thoughts or their shame. You can improve as a parent with dedication and hard work.

I Should vs I Want vs I Will vs I AM!

Should doesn’t serve us. It holds us back.

An up grade from “I should” is “I want.” The next step is, “I will.” But, the most powerful belief is “I AM!”

When you go from thinking, “I should be better,” to believing, “I AM a great parent,” you will find that you have way more power than you realize. You will start to parent with confidence and purpose because you trust yourself.

What are your “I” statements? What do you believe about who you are? What are your values?

What are the “I” statements that you need to be the parent that you want to be?

Your teens will pattern their personal beliefs off of your “I” and “you” statements.

How to Practice for Tough Parenting Moments

It’s okay to want to be your best.

The Wheel of Life is a visual concept that I teach to help parents and teens understand that life is 50/50. It’s 50% pleasant and 50% unpleasant. This is normal. Nothing has gone wrong.

When things are going great in our lives, we are on the top of the wheel. When things kind of suck, or things aren’t going how we want them to, we are on the bottom of the wheel.

Sometimes, when we are on the top of the wheel, we forget to enjoy where we are in life’s journey, and we forget that being on the top isn’t going to last forever. This leads us to think that something has gone wrong when we find ourselves on the bottom of the wheel.

When we are on the top of the wheel is the best time to prepare for the inevitable times that are coming when we will be on the bottom of the wheel.

When we practice when we are on the top of the wheel, when things are going well, we can prepare for future struggles. This is an opportunity to be intentional about who we are and how we want to live. This way, when things get tough, we are prepared to be who we want to be.

This is how you can prepare yourself for tough parenting moments. When you’re on the top of the wheel, identify “How can I use the to prepare for when I’m on the bottom of the wheel?”

Then, when you’re on the bottom of the wheel, realize that you have prepared for this. Trust yourself and show up with confidence as the best version of yourself as you can.

How to Connect with Zach Spafford

Zack and his wife are the hosts of The Self Mastery Podcast.

You can check it out by clicking here:
https://www.zachspafford.com/podcast

You can also connect with Zach on Instagram here:
https://www.instagram.com/zachspafford.selfmasterycoach/

Call to ACTION!

Join our parenting membership. You can transform yourself as a parent, and we want to help.

Stop worrying that you are doing it all wrong, and join the Firmly Founded Parent TODAY!

This is the first and most powerful step in developing confidence in yourself and your parenting.

#056 What are your Parenting values?

#050 Parenting Transformation vs Improvement

We don’t want to simply become a better version of a caterpillar, we want to transform into a butterfly.

“Transformation Does Not Tolerate Mediocrity.”
~ Jim Fortin

Transformation VS Improvement.

Improvement focuses on better whereas transformation focuses on different.

Usually, improvement is focused on the perceived problems, and simply improving how we respond to the problem.

Transformation on the other hand is focused on the vision of what could be and becoming the vision.

There is a time a place for both transformation and improvement.

We see this in sports all the time. Sometimes teams are just trying to improve in one or two small areas. They try to build upon what is working and improve the things that are not working. The old way is working pretty well, so they’re simply going to improve upon the old way.

On the other hand, sometimes teems decide to transform themselves. They bring in new coaches and support staff and new and different players. They’re not simply trying to get better, they are trying to become something new completely. The old way was not working, so they’re throwing it out to transform into something new.

To Transform or to Improve, That is The Question

Like I said, there is a time and a place for both transformation and improvement.

You get to decide where you are and what you need.

You can achieve both through coaching, but it’s up to you to know and understand what YOU want to be working on.

Some of the parents that I work with are mainly looking for improvement. They’re happy with their relationships and how things are going, but they want to improve in a few areas.

Some of the parents that I work with are ready for a complete transformation. They want everything to change from top to bottom.

How to Achieve Parenting Transformation

Step #1 Start with Awareness

This is my favorite place to start. Take some time to develop some awareness about where you are in your own personal growth. Become aware of what is going on around you and within you. Understand not only the what, but the why and the impact it is having on you.

I see lots of people skipping this step. They want a transformation. They know they are not happy as they are, but they don’t really take the time to deeply understand why.

I see this happen with parents. They think they are unhappy because of their teen, or because of their teen’s actions or grades, or they think they are unhappy because of their spouse, but they are only seeing the things on the surface. They are not aware of what’s going on inside.

Identify the things that are bothering you, that you want to change. Explore them. Why are they bothering you? What are your thoughts and beliefs about them? How are you feeling about them? What actions are these feelings leading to? What are your current results.

Become aware of what you CAN and CAN’T control, what you want to control and what you don’t want to control, and what you’re willing to control and what you’re not willing to control. This awareness will help prepare you for step #2.

For more on awareness checkout Episode 39, Awareness Before Intention

Step #2 Be Willing to Let Go of Things

This step is huge! In fact, currently the biggest struggle that I see with the parents that I work with is their unwillingness to let go of things. And 99% of the time, the things parents have the hardest time letting go of are the things that aren’t actually within their control.

One of my teen clients is a competitive shooter. I was explaining how when we focus on things outside of our control, we can’t focus on the things within our control. He explained that it made perfect sense to him as a shooter because you can only aim at 1 thing at a time. The same is true for you, you can only focus on one thing at a time.

Do you want to be focused on something within your control or outside of your control?

Be willing to let go of the things that you cannot control.

Also, be willing to let go of things that are not aligned with your personal values. Are you keeping someone else’s secret because you don’t want to offend them, but it’s completely contrary to your value of being honest and open? Stop it. Be willing to let go of that because it is not inline with your values.

Be willing to let go of things that are not your priority. We live in a world that has normalized trying to do E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. We end up doing so many things that we can’t do any of them well.

If it’s not a priority, stop doing it.

This step is key to getting a transformation! When you commit to doing less, you’ll actually get way more done!

Step #3 Be intentional

Once you’ve developed awareness and you’ve let go of the things outside of your control, or the things that aren’t aligned with your values, or the things that simply aren’t really a priority, you can start developing your intentionality.

Being intentional is vital to creating a parenting transformation. Being unintentional is likely what has created your current circumstance. Most of what we do is unintentional. By shifting into intention, you will change who you are BEing.

To do this, really explore . . .
WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE?
WHAT ARE MY VALUES?
WHAT ARE MY PRIORITIES?
WHAT ARE THE RESULTS I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH AS A PARENT?

Once you get clear on the answers to those questions, commit to intentionally BEing that person. YOU can do this! Let this be your identity. Let this identity drive your intention. Let this create the transformation that you have been looking for in your life.

This doesn’t mean that you will magically be perfectly intentional. Learn from the times that you are living out of intention. Recommit to BEing the change that you want to see.

Summer Is Perfect For Transformation

Most people think of transformation and change around New Year’s. That’s great, but most people completely forget about and/or give up on their New Year’s resolutions by Valentine’s day.

I believe that summer time is actually a better time to achieve a transformation, especially for parents like you!

Life is dramatically changing. Kids are going from being at school to being home. There’s summer vacations, holidays, family reunions, and life is different.

Use the change in your surroundings to support you to transform yourself. When you see people you normally don’t see, tell them about your transformation. This will make it even more real to you.

Summer is only 2-3 months. You’re not committing to a whole year like you did in January. It’s doable.

You’ve got this.

Call to ACTION!

Join our parenting membership. You can transform yourself as a parent, and we want to help.

Stop worrying that you are doing it all wrong, and join the Firmly Founded Parent TODAY!

This is the first and most powerful step in developing confidence in yourself and your parenting.