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by Ben | Jun 10, 2021 | Podcast
Most parents fall into the trap of trying to change things from the outside in, this leaves them powerless.
“Most people think money will make them happy. When in reality, being happy makes you money.”
~ Jim Fortin
Times I’ve Tried to Change From the Outside In.
I’ve got to be honest. I am guilty of trying to change things from the outside in. Even with everything that I know, I still find myself trying to change things from the outside in.
Just yesterday, in fact it was probably today at like 12:30 am on the way home from my oldest son’s basketball tournament, I tried to change something from the outside in.
I wanted my son to go to summer football workouts the next morning and he didn’t want to. I tried to change his mind. I tried to help him see that he was missing out on an opportunity to show up when tons of his teammates will be missing football due to the previous late night.
I tried to help him see that this would be a powerful moment for him to demonstrate his commitment to football to his team and his coaches.
I wanted to change him, how he was showing up in football, and I was losing this battle.
I was totally trying to change something outside of myself, hoping it would change something inside of myself.
I thought, if I could just get him to go to football, he’d be a better football player, he’d dominate the game, everyone would know that my offspring is superior in the sport of football, and I’d be proud!
Inside Out vs Outside In
Most people try to change things from the outside in.
In parenting you might try to change your teen, your spouse, or your teen’s choices, all so you can feel better inside.
When it comes to health, you might try to change your exercise routine, your diet, or your doctor, all so you can be healthier on the inside.
When it comes to wealth, you might try to work extra hours, get a new job or win the lottery, all so that on the inside you can enjoy the benefits of wealth.
The problem is, these are all efforts to change something on the outside so you can experience change on the inside.
Often times when you try to change things outside of yourself, you are focusing on things that you cannot control.
The most powerful way to change is from the inside out!
In PARENTING, rather that trying to change your spouse or teen so you can feel peace and confidence, YOU can BE THE CHANGE!
Change how YOU Think, Feel, and Act. These are all internal changes. Change YOU and how you are BEing.
When it comes to health, change who you are on the inside. I AM HEALTHY! Then, live from that place. As a healthy person, . . . I only eat food that fuels my body, . . . I enjoy regular vigorous activity.
See how the change starts from the inside and then radiates outward?
When it comes to wealth, choose to be wealthy. Choose to be generous and helpful. Choose to be intentional with your money. These all start on the inside.
How to Change from the Inside Out
Step #1
As is the case so often, the first step is awareness. WHERE AM I TRYING TO CHANGE FROM THE OUTSIDE->IN?
Discover the areas where you are trying to change from the outside in. Understand why you want to make these changes, how you would feel, and what you would make it mean for you.
Explore the things outside of your control that you are trying to control.
Ask yourself, “Who do I want to BE to achieve this change?”
Step #2
Start BEing the change you are looking for internally with your thoughts and feelings.
Identify the thoughts that don’t serve you and shift your focus to thoughts that do.
Anytime you are looking for change, you want change because of how you think it will make you feel. Practice feeling that feeling NOW! Let that feeling fuel your actions.
Step #3
Practice!
Practice when it’s easy. Practice when it’s hard.
Practice BEing the change you are looking for.
Practice shifting your focus from the many things outside of your control to the few things within your control.
Call to ACTION!
Join our parenting membership. You can transform yourself as a parent!
Stop worrying that you are doing it all wrong, and join the Firmly Founded Parent TODAY!
This is the first and most powerful step in changing from the inside out when it comes to your parenting.
by Ben | Feb 18, 2021 | Podcast
When we blame others, it’s an attempt to avoid feelings something.
“Blame doesn’t empower you. It keeps you stuck in a place you don’t want to be because you don’t want to make the temporary, but painful decision, to be responsible for the outcome of your own life’s happiness.”
~ Shannon L. Alder
“Blame is just a lazy person’s way of making sense of chaos.”
~ Doug Coupland
What is blaming?
First of all, blaming is part of being human!
As far as I know, EVERYONE blames sometimes. It’s important to talk about blame because many times we do this without realizing that we are doing it.
Blaming is simply giving responsibility for something that we think has gone wrong, to someone or something else.
We live in a day and age when blaming is the norm, and it is 100% acceptable.
Why do we blame?
The main reason that we blame others is to avoid feeling certain thoughts and/or emotions.
Our brains are really good at believing what we tell them to believe. When we can blame someone else, we feel and emotional sense of relief.
We use blame as a defense against feeling unwanted emotions such as shame and embarrassment.
Blaming turns you into the victim.
When we blame others, we shift our focus to something, often someone, that is out of our control. This turns us into a victim. Now, in our minds, we are at the mercy of the person or thing that we are blaming. Rather than having the power to change our circumstances, we try to depend on others to change.
So Now What?
#1 Increase your awareness around blaming
Many of us blame others and make excuses without even thinking about it. It is a habit and part of who we are. The first step is to become aware of when you are blaming or making excuses. By doing this, you can also gain some awareness of the emotions that you are trying to avoid by blaming.
For me it is almost always, if not always, shame that I try to avoid. By blaming others, I try to shift the burden of shame to them.
#2 Identify what you can control and take responsibility for that.
Usually when we blame, we try to shift our focus from something within our control to something outside of our control.
I invite you to get curious and find what is within your control and take responsibility for that. Doesn’t matter how good or true the excuse is, or how real the blame is, take responsibility for what you CAN control. This puts you in a position of power.
#3 Practice, practice, practice
If you’re like most people, this is going to be a shift for you, and it will take time and practice.
Practice awareness. Much of this will take place in the thought line of the mode. Some will take place in the feeling line.
Practice experiencing the emotion that you are trying to avoid. This will take place in the feeling line.
Practice the habit of taking responsibility.
Call to ACTION!
Get on a FREE consultation call with me today to see how you can stop pushing your teen away and start connecting with them right where they are.
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by Ben | Jul 15, 2020 | Podcast
Plan and Practice
Have you ever heard the saying, “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail”? Or how about this one, “Practice makes perfect”?
Planning and practicing are powerful tools that will help you become they change that you are looking for.
A simple doable plan is a powerful plan.
Have you ever been part of planning that was so over the top that it was flat out overwhelming and discouraging? In my time in education and foster care, I noticed that people liked to make impossibly complicated plans. They felt like it covered EVERYTHING!
Only problem was, it was always too much.
Instead I like to look at planning like game planning for a football game.
It needs to be specific, simple/understandable, doable, and changeable.
When I game plan for football, I make it as simple as possible. Partially because I am coaching 12-14 year old boys, but also because this makes it more powerful because everybody understands it.
Same should be true for your plan. Make it simple so you understand it.
Stick to your plan so you can later evaluate what parts are working and what’s not working.
Then change it to better fit your needs.
When and how to plan and practice.
Identify specific things are you going to do to make your vision statement a reality, to make that exciting change happen. Plan specific times when you will practice doing these specific things.
Plan for how you are going to do when it’s easy. When things are easy is when you should be focusing on being intentional, developing habits and patterns, creating the new you.
Plan for how you are going to do when it’s hard. This the perfect time to implement what you’ve practiced when things were easy. Put your new skills to the test.
Identify how you will you play to your strengths.
If you haven’t yet, join our FREE Be the Change Challenge. Each day we will be doing simple 5-10 minute daily exercises to help give you a powerful perspective on your role as a parent and your ability to be the catalyst for incredible change in your life and your relationship with your teen.
- Join the FREE Facebook Group
- Join other parents just like you and get the support that you’ve been looking for.
- Download the easy to follow Workbook and Exercise Guide.
- These exercises are designed to take you just 5-10 minutes a day!
- Start making real growth as a parent TODAY!
