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by Ben | Sep 16, 2021 | Podcast
BEing the parent of your dreams means being responsible for your own personal growth rather than being responsible for your teen’s personal growth.
“That is what learning is. You suddenly understand something you’ve understood all your life, but in a new way.”
~ Doris Lessing
How To Make Parenting Simple!
#1 Define Your Role!
- One of the things that makes parenting harder that it needs to be is Not knowing your role!
- If you don’t know what your role, or purpose, is as a parent, everything feels like a battle.
- When you don’t define your parenting role, you get tossed from one roll to the other.
- It’s hard to be intentional when you don’t know what your role is.
#2 Only Focus on What YOU Can Control.
- One of, if not THE, most powerful things you can do as a parent is to shift your focus from what you cannot control to what you CAN control.
- One of the things that makes parenting hard is trying to control things outside of your control. When we focus on things outside of our control, we waste a lot of effort on something that is outside of our control. It’s exhausting because nothing changes.
- Things you might be focusing on that are OUTSIDE of your control:
- Your teen’s behavior,
- Their grades,
- Their decisions,
- Their thoughts and feelings,
- Their results/consequences.
- Things you could focus on that are WITHIN your control:
- How you think,
- How you feel,
- How you act,
- Your ways of BEing.
- Parenting is much more simple when you only have to worry about what you can actually control.
#3 Make Your Personal Growth the Priority Rather than Your Teen’s Personal Growth.
- Most parents focus on the growth, or more accurately their perceived lack of growth, with their teen. If you’re like most parents, you’ve done this too, and you’ve been frustrated or disappointed with the growth.
- Instead, focus on your own personal growth. Make that your priority.
- You can’t change, fix, or control your teen, BUT . . .
- . . . When you make your own personal growth a priority, you will have a more intentional and positive impact on your teen.
- When we focus on others’ personal growth, or lack there of, we cannot focus on our own personal growth.
- We cannot focus on two things at once.
- Make your own personal growth a priority.
BONUS #1 Choose Love!
- It sounds overly simple, but what if it really is just this simple? CHOOSE LOVE!
- What if loving your teen was your ONLY job? Wouldn’t that make your job easier?
- Love is always an option when it comes to you and your teen.
- Love is a simple choice with no down side.
BONUS #2 Trust Yourself 100%
- The other day I was on a group coaching call in the Impact Parenting Program, and I was talking about BEing a “perfect” parent.
- Someone told me that they would never use the example of a perfect parent because there is so much shame around whether or not you are perfect.
- I get it, “mom guilt” and “dad shame” are a thing, but THEY ARE OPTIONAL!
- What if you believed that you were the PERFECT parent? How would you feel? How would you act? How would you BE?
- This might sound boastful, BUT . . .
- . . . I believe that I am the PERFECT dad for my family.
- I know tons of people who would disagree. They might say, “Ben SUCKS! He’s the worst dad I’ve ever seen.”
- BUT, when I trust that I am the perfect dad for my family, if feel confident, and I have my own back. I show up and do my very best. I trust that my best is good enough and exactly what is needed in the moment.
- Others might see me at my best and think, “That’s the opposite of perfect parenting.”
- It doesn’t matter what they think.
- I am still doing my best.
- I can take any parenting situation and turn it into the best situation possible.
- Sometimes that looks like me apologizing for parenting unintentionally or out of alignment with my values.
- Even when I make “mistakes,” that is the perfect opportunity for me to be an example of someone who is doing their very best. It’s an opportunity for me to apologize. It’s an opportunity for me to learn and grow!
- This is why I’m the perfect dad.
- And when I believe this, I have my back and I show up with full confidence, which is way easier than always doubting and second guessing myself, and worrying that I’m not good enough.
Call to ACTION!
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by Ben | Jun 3, 2021 | Podcast
Tough parenting moments are opportunities for connection, growth, and increasing your capacity as a parent!
“I no longer make what my kids do mean anything about me.”
~ Zack Spafford
What Tough Parenting Moments DO & DON’T Mean
Becoming a Professional Parent
No one shames profesional atheletes for working to improve themselves. We actually respect them for their dedicaiton and hard work.
Don’t let others hold you back because of their thoughts or their shame. You can improve as a parent with dedication and hard work.
I Should vs I Want vs I Will vs I AM!
Should doesn’t serve us. It holds us back.
An up grade from “I should” is “I want.” The next step is, “I will.” But, the most powerful belief is “I AM!”
When you go from thinking, “I should be better,” to believing, “I AM a great parent,” you will find that you have way more power than you realize. You will start to parent with confidence and purpose because you trust yourself.
What are your “I” statements? What do you believe about who you are? What are your values?
What are the “I” statements that you need to be the parent that you want to be?
Your teens will pattern their personal beliefs off of your “I” and “you” statements.
How to Practice for Tough Parenting Moments
It’s okay to want to be your best.
The Wheel of Life is a visual concept that I teach to help parents and teens understand that life is 50/50. It’s 50% pleasant and 50% unpleasant. This is normal. Nothing has gone wrong.
When things are going great in our lives, we are on the top of the wheel. When things kind of suck, or things aren’t going how we want them to, we are on the bottom of the wheel.
Sometimes, when we are on the top of the wheel, we forget to enjoy where we are in life’s journey, and we forget that being on the top isn’t going to last forever. This leads us to think that something has gone wrong when we find ourselves on the bottom of the wheel.
When we are on the top of the wheel is the best time to prepare for the inevitable times that are coming when we will be on the bottom of the wheel.
When we practice when we are on the top of the wheel, when things are going well, we can prepare for future struggles. This is an opportunity to be intentional about who we are and how we want to live. This way, when things get tough, we are prepared to be who we want to be.
This is how you can prepare yourself for tough parenting moments. When you’re on the top of the wheel, identify “How can I use the to prepare for when I’m on the bottom of the wheel?”
Then, when you’re on the bottom of the wheel, realize that you have prepared for this. Trust yourself and show up with confidence as the best version of yourself as you can.
How to Connect with Zach Spafford
Zack and his wife are the hosts of The Self Mastery Podcast.
You can check it out by clicking here:
https://www.zachspafford.com/podcast
You can also connect with Zach on Instagram here:
https://www.instagram.com/zachspafford.selfmasterycoach/
Call to ACTION!
Join our parenting membership. You can transform yourself as a parent, and we want to help.
Stop worrying that you are doing it all wrong, and join the Firmly Founded Parent TODAY!
This is the first and most powerful step in developing confidence in yourself and your parenting.
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by Ben | May 27, 2021 | Podcast
We don’t want to simply become a better version of a caterpillar, we want to transform into a butterfly.
“Transformation Does Not Tolerate Mediocrity.”
~ Jim Fortin
Transformation VS Improvement.
Improvement focuses on better whereas transformation focuses on different.
Usually, improvement is focused on the perceived problems, and simply improving how we respond to the problem.
Transformation on the other hand is focused on the vision of what could be and becoming the vision.
There is a time a place for both transformation and improvement.
We see this in sports all the time. Sometimes teams are just trying to improve in one or two small areas. They try to build upon what is working and improve the things that are not working. The old way is working pretty well, so they’re simply going to improve upon the old way.
On the other hand, sometimes teems decide to transform themselves. They bring in new coaches and support staff and new and different players. They’re not simply trying to get better, they are trying to become something new completely. The old way was not working, so they’re throwing it out to transform into something new.
To Transform or to Improve, That is The Question
Like I said, there is a time and a place for both transformation and improvement.
You get to decide where you are and what you need.
You can achieve both through coaching, but it’s up to you to know and understand what YOU want to be working on.
Some of the parents that I work with are mainly looking for improvement. They’re happy with their relationships and how things are going, but they want to improve in a few areas.
Some of the parents that I work with are ready for a complete transformation. They want everything to change from top to bottom.
How to Achieve Parenting Transformation
Step #1 Start with Awareness
This is my favorite place to start. Take some time to develop some awareness about where you are in your own personal growth. Become aware of what is going on around you and within you. Understand not only the what, but the why and the impact it is having on you.
I see lots of people skipping this step. They want a transformation. They know they are not happy as they are, but they don’t really take the time to deeply understand why.
I see this happen with parents. They think they are unhappy because of their teen, or because of their teen’s actions or grades, or they think they are unhappy because of their spouse, but they are only seeing the things on the surface. They are not aware of what’s going on inside.
Identify the things that are bothering you, that you want to change. Explore them. Why are they bothering you? What are your thoughts and beliefs about them? How are you feeling about them? What actions are these feelings leading to? What are your current results.
Become aware of what you CAN and CAN’T control, what you want to control and what you don’t want to control, and what you’re willing to control and what you’re not willing to control. This awareness will help prepare you for step #2.
For more on awareness checkout Episode 39, Awareness Before Intention
Step #2 Be Willing to Let Go of Things
This step is huge! In fact, currently the biggest struggle that I see with the parents that I work with is their unwillingness to let go of things. And 99% of the time, the things parents have the hardest time letting go of are the things that aren’t actually within their control.
One of my teen clients is a competitive shooter. I was explaining how when we focus on things outside of our control, we can’t focus on the things within our control. He explained that it made perfect sense to him as a shooter because you can only aim at 1 thing at a time. The same is true for you, you can only focus on one thing at a time.
Do you want to be focused on something within your control or outside of your control?
Be willing to let go of the things that you cannot control.
Also, be willing to let go of things that are not aligned with your personal values. Are you keeping someone else’s secret because you don’t want to offend them, but it’s completely contrary to your value of being honest and open? Stop it. Be willing to let go of that because it is not inline with your values.
Be willing to let go of things that are not your priority. We live in a world that has normalized trying to do E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. We end up doing so many things that we can’t do any of them well.
If it’s not a priority, stop doing it.
This step is key to getting a transformation! When you commit to doing less, you’ll actually get way more done!
Step #3 Be intentional
Once you’ve developed awareness and you’ve let go of the things outside of your control, or the things that aren’t aligned with your values, or the things that simply aren’t really a priority, you can start developing your intentionality.
Being intentional is vital to creating a parenting transformation. Being unintentional is likely what has created your current circumstance. Most of what we do is unintentional. By shifting into intention, you will change who you are BEing.
To do this, really explore . . .
WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE?
WHAT ARE MY VALUES?
WHAT ARE MY PRIORITIES?
WHAT ARE THE RESULTS I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH AS A PARENT?
Once you get clear on the answers to those questions, commit to intentionally BEing that person. YOU can do this! Let this be your identity. Let this identity drive your intention. Let this create the transformation that you have been looking for in your life.
This doesn’t mean that you will magically be perfectly intentional. Learn from the times that you are living out of intention. Recommit to BEing the change that you want to see.
Summer Is Perfect For Transformation
Most people think of transformation and change around New Year’s. That’s great, but most people completely forget about and/or give up on their New Year’s resolutions by Valentine’s day.
I believe that summer time is actually a better time to achieve a transformation, especially for parents like you!
Life is dramatically changing. Kids are going from being at school to being home. There’s summer vacations, holidays, family reunions, and life is different.
Use the change in your surroundings to support you to transform yourself. When you see people you normally don’t see, tell them about your transformation. This will make it even more real to you.
Summer is only 2-3 months. You’re not committing to a whole year like you did in January. It’s doable.
You’ve got this.
Call to ACTION!
Join our parenting membership. You can transform yourself as a parent, and we want to help.
Stop worrying that you are doing it all wrong, and join the Firmly Founded Parent TODAY!
This is the first and most powerful step in developing confidence in yourself and your parenting.
