Stop wasting you energy on things outside of your control, and harness that energy on BEing the parent of your dreams.
Parenting From Fear
Parenting from fear is common for parents, and it’s a symptom of focusing on things outside of your control. When we do this, we typically catastrophize and see all the things that could go wrong.
Theresa was afraid that her teen would be arrested. She was worried that he’d be behind bars and “ruin” his life.
This caused Theresa to yell and try to control her teen.
She thought that she needed to fix him and protect him from himself.
Parenting From Shame
It’s also common to parent from shame and worry about what others are thinking about you. This is another symptom of focusing on things outside of your control
Theresa believed that others were thinking that she was a terrible mother and that it was her job to fix her teen.
If you are experiencing shame as a parent, it’s likely because you are worried about what others think about you.
Also, if you worry that you aren’t good enough, or if you worry that you are somehow ruining your teen, this will cause feelings of shame and inadequacy.
Made Small Simple Shifts In the Beginning
When Theresa shifted her mindset, she was able to change how she behaved towards him. Making these simple things helped her stop yelling at her teen. It helped her better connect with her teen.
Everything Changed When her Mindset Changed
When Theresa realized that she didn’t have to catastrophize, she was able to realize that there were benefits to her son’s behavior. Though she didn’t agree with him selling vapes, she was able to find peace in the thought that he was learning business skills.
Changing from The Inside Out
When you start managing your own thoughts, you start changing on the inside.
When Theresa started BEing the change, the change rippled out and impacted her teen.
Theresa’s growth and change are a reflection of the growth and change that Theresa experienced.
When we change on the INSIDE, our outside environment changes to match our frequency.
Harness Your Energy
Stop focusing on things outside of your control and focus on what you can control. Use that energy to be the BEST version of you that you can possibly be.
When you refocus your attention, you can use that energy to change your thought patterns and start thinking in a more powerful way.
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Gratitude is a powerful emotion that can stop fear, anger, and anxiety in their tracks.
“I Feel Like I’m Losing Control!”
One of the things that I hear the most from parents is, . . .
. . . “I feel like I’m losing control!”
The next thing they tell me is, . . .
. . . “I don’t know what to do!”
If you’re like most parents, you’ve probably experienced this before and felt completely out of control and lost as to what to do about it.
If you’re like most parents, this probably leads to fighting, arguing, and power struggling with your teen, and it’s NO FUN AT ALL!
One of the hardest things about raising a teenager is realizing that you can’t control what you used to control.
And to be honest, this is a hard transition for your teen too.
They’re realizing that YOU CAN’T control everything. They’re starting to learn that THEY are responsible for what they can control.
The problem is, if you’re like most parents, you’re trying to control things that are actually outside of your control.
The Problem Is You’re Trying To Control What You Can’t Control
Trying to control things outside of your control is one of the biggest mistakes parents make.
The biggest problem with this is that your focus is on things outside of your control, positioning you as the victim.
When you focus on things outside of your control, you lose focus of the things that you actually can control.
If you’ve ever said, . . . “I feel like I’m losing control!” . . .
. . . It’s because you are trying to control things that are outside of your control.
When you try to control things outside of your control you feel out of control and lost, which is why you’re probably thinking, “I don’t know what to do!”
One of my clients jokingly accused me of being a broken record. She said, “I know what you’re going to say . . . ‘You’re focused on things outside of your control’.”
She was 100% right. That’s exactly what I was going to say, and she was right about focusing on things outside of her control.
What You Can and Cannot Control
One of the most basic and yet powerful exercises that I have parents do is to create a T-Chart identifying what they Can and Cannot control.
Once you identify the things outside of your control, you can LET THEM GO!
Once you let go of things outside of your control, you can now re-focus that energy on things within your control.
Here are some examples of things you CANNOT control:
- Your teenager,
- Their thoughts, feelings, actions, and results,
- Their choices with friends,
- Their friends,
- Their grades,
- Their values,
- Their beliefs,
- Your spouse and how they parent,
- What your teen thinks or says about you, themselves, and/or others
Here are some examples of things you CAN control:
- Some of your thoughts and feelings,
- Your actions and results
- Your choices,
- Your response to their choice of friends,
- Your response to their grades,
- Your values,
- Your beliefs,
- Your thoughts about your spouse and how they parent,
- How you connect with your teen no matter what your teen thinks or says about you, themselves, and/or others
When you can discern between what you CAN and CANNOT control you will have more power to let go of things outside of your control.
How To Regain Control
The only way to regain control is to let go of things outside of your control and control ONLY what is within your control.
This gives you back a sense of control because you let go of all the things that you cannot control.
This gives you a sense of control because you gain even more control over the things that you actually can control.
All of your energy previously spent on things outside of your control can now be redirected and spent on the things that you actually can control.
This is freaking POWERFUL!
How to Control Only What You Can Control!
- Gain Awareness! What CAN you and what CAN’T you control?
- Awareness ALWAYS comes first!
- Start to understand what you can and cannot control.
- Be aware of things outside of your control that you try to control.
- This takes practice and time, but it’s totally worth it.
2. Practice letting go of what you CANNOT control!
- This one hard, but once you get it’s a total GAME CHANGER!
- Don’t expect yourself to be perfect.
- Just commit to practicing letting go every day.
- It will become more and more natural.
- You’ll start to find that things ALWAYS turn out okay.
- You’ll start to TRUST that things ALWAYS turn out okay.
3. Give what you CAN control your energy and attention!
- As you let go of the things outside of your control, you will find you have more energy and attention for the things you can control.
- As you set your intention and practice this you will gain more power.
- Look for new things to let go of.
- Find new things within your control.
4. Trust that others are DOING THEIR BEST!
- This go hand in hand with #2.
- Trusting that others are doing their best will help you let go.
- Trusting that everything will be okay will help you let go.
5. Trust that YOU are DOING YOUR BEST!
- You don’t have to be perfect.
- I’ve been studying and practicing this for years, and I still find myself holding onto things I can’t control.
- I’m still gaining more and more awareness.
- I’m still finding new things to let go of.
- I’m still finding ways to control only what I can control.
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