#135 – Your New Habits are More Important than New Year’s Goals!

#135 – Your New Habits are More Important than New Year’s Goals!

One of My Teen Clients Inspired This Episode

I recently had a call with a teenage young man and he wanted help breaking old, bad, habits.

I’m restructuring how I do my 1:1 coaching calls to be less scripted and more conversational, so we basically just had this super powerful conversation about habits.

I really loved the insight that he brought to the coaching call, so I’m going to share what I remember with you and invite you to come join a transformational conversation with me to help you change how you approach habits in your life.

I’m super excited for this conversation because during this time of year, most people over focus on goals, which they usually forget about and fail, and they under focus on habits, which is what they really need to accomplish their New Year’s Goals.

I’m going to invite YOU to join me in a transformational conversation about goals in the future. I’ll tell you more at the end of this podcast,

What Makes Breaking Habits Hard for You?

This is a powerful question to explore for yourself.

Seriously, I invite you to ask yourself, literally say this to yourself out loud, “What makes breaking habits hard for me?”

Let you’re mind explore that.

Gain some serious awareness around that.

When I asked this young man that question he told me 3 things.

  1. How long I’ve been doing the habit.
    • Basically how many times the habit has been repeated.
    • Repetion is a powerful force when it comes to creating habits.
  2. Your will power.
    • Basically your desire and determination.
  3. Having too many steps needed to break the habit.
    • Basically making your new habit too complicated.

I loved those examples that he shared.

Here are the two that I added that we discussed:

  1. Identifying as your habit.
    • Basically seeing yourself as your habit (for example, “I’m a yeller,” or “I’m a smoker,” or “I’m lazy.”)
  2. The perceived benefit of the habit.
    • Drinking Diet Dr. Pepper tastes great. You get a dopamine hit.
    • Yelling at your kids used to get them to listen, respond, change.

As we talked about this he said it was helpful to understand why it can be hard to break habits.

What makes your habits hard to break could be different for you, so make sure to explore this for yourself.

Also, I don’t recommend focusing on breaking bad habits. Instead, I recommend building desired habits.

What Makes Breaking Habits Hard is The Secret To Creating Habits Easily

Now, I want to let you in on a little secret. Whatever it is that makes habits hard for you is the secret for making habits easy for you.

For example, if the amount of times that you’ve repeated a habit makes it harder to break, doing the new desired habit over and over, getting reps in, is the secret to creating a new habit to replace the old one.

You can go through your own list and find ways to apply the list of things making your habits hard to ways that you can make creating new habits easy.

Your Habits Create Your Results

One of the problems that I have with traditional coaching is that they are overly focused on individual actions.

I love the self-coaching model. It’s a powerful tool. But, it’s only focused on individual actions, not habits.

Your habits create your results.

If you want better results, you need better habits.

Learn how to intentionally create your desired habits, and you can learn how to intentionally create the life of your dreams.

Join Me for a Transformational Conversation

I’m going to be hosting two live Transformational Conversations, and I want YOU to join me.

If you have some New Year’s goals, and their mostly on repeat from last year, you need to better understand your habits and what it takes to create new habits.

Having a transformational conversation is more powerful than simply listening.

Conversations engage the mind. They help you take new thoughts and belief to a deeper level.

Come have a transformational conversation with me and other parents just like you, and lets create some new and powerful habits in your parenting in 2023.

These transformational conversations will be live over zoom, face to face, on Thursday, January 12th at 10 am MST and Tuesday, January 24th, at 10 am MST.

Click the button below to find out how to join the conversation.

#134 – Let Your Teen Manage Their Own Model

#134 – Let Your Teen Manage Their Own Model

The Self-Coaching Model

I teach a tool called The Model. I learned it from my coach Brooke Castillo.

The model is the concept that there are Circumstances in life that lead to Thoughts, which create Feelings, which drive our Actions, which create our Results.

Lots of coaches refer to it as the CTFAR model.

The self-coaching model is a powerful tool.

It’s not the only tool, but it is one that I teach all the time.

Your Model vs Your Teen’s Model

The Self-Coaching Model is at play in your life, your teen’s life, and everyone’s life.

Your model can even have the same circumstance as your teen’s model.

In fact, I’ve seen teens simply adopt their parent’s models, and have identical models.

So here’s the most important thing to understand when it comes to the difference between your model and your teen’s model.

You can only control your own model.

You CAN NOT control your teen’s model.

You are not responsible for how your teen thinks, feels, behaves, or the results that they create in their life.

You are only responsible for your own model.

So, stop trying to manage your teen’s model and let them do that for themselves.

“I don’t want to disappoint my parents.”

Recently I spoke to a high school swim team.

One of the things the girls told me was, “I’m constantly anxious because I don’t want to disappoint my parents.”

Can you see how these teens were focused on someone else’s model?

Of course they’re feeling anxious. They are focused on something outside of their control.

Over Christmas, one of the things that I heard mothers tell me in their coaching sessions was, “I don’t want my kids to be disappointed with Christmas.”

Again, they’re feeling anxious because they are focused on something outside of their control., their teen’s model.

The problem is that our teens are learning to try to manage others’ models for them because they see us doing that as parents when we try to manage their models.

Let’s stop that!

Trust Your Teen

Your teen is more than capable of managing their own model.

You might ask, “what if they won’t manage it?”

That’s okay. They are perfectly capable of owning their model.

They are perfectly capable of owning the consequences of ignoring their model too.

Show your teen that you trust them.

Show them that they have the power to manage how they think and feel.

Show them that you trust them and give them the autonomy to manage their model for themselves.

Manage Your Own Model

You can’t manage your teen’s model for them, but you can be a powerful example to them of managing your own model.

In fact, in my experience, when parents manage their own models, things change in their homes.

Often, simply managing your own model is enough to help your teen start managing their own.

Human beings are herd animals, including your teen.

If you lead by example, they are likely to follow.

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#016 From Difficult to Impactful Conversations with Your Teen

#016 From Difficult to Impactful Conversations with Your Teen

Do you dread having “difficult” conversations with your teen? It’s okay, but you still NEED to have those conversations!

“When we give children advice or instant solutions, we deprive them of the experience that comes from wrestling with their own problems.”
~ Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen

“The attitude behind your words is as important as the words themselves.”
~ Adele Faber, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

“It’s also not helpful when parents respond with more intensity than the child feels.”
~ Adele Faber, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

What makes a conversation “difficult”?

Parents tell me all the time that they don’t like having “difficult” conversations with their teens.

“I don’t like confrontation,” some say. Or, “I don’t want to make them uncomfortable.”

So, let’s get curious for a minute.

What is it that makes a conversation difficult?

It’s what we think about it. It’s what we think the other person is thinking about it. It’s a million other thoughts, but it always comes down to our thoughts.

It’s not that sex or pornography are inherently difficult things to talk about them, it just that we have a bunch of thoughts that make it hard to talk about. Thoughts like:

  • “This is going to be weird,” or
  • “People don’t talk about sex or pornography,” or
  • “This isn’t normal.”

“Difficult” conversations DON’T have to be “difficult.”

And, it’s 100% okay to feel some discomfort!

Why is it important to have these conversations?

I want to turn that question directly to you!

Why is it important to have these conversations?

Some conversations don’t need to be had.

For me, I’ve decided that it is my duty as a father to teach my children about things, especially potential threats.

I think it’s important to talk about things like sex, pornography, social media, and other potential threats so that my teens are prepared. I’m also pretty confidence that their friends and social media or going to have a lot to say, and I want to make sure that I’m sharing my point of view loud and clear.

I think that by having these conversations, I am increasing my impact in their life.

You get to decide why it’s important for you and your teen. The more clear you get on WHY it’s important to you, the easier these conversations will be.

How to have “Impactful” conversations instead of “difficult” conversations.

  • Be intentional!
    • Know why this is important to you.
    • Know what your role is as a parent.
    • Decide how you want to show up emotionally.
    • Know what the result that you are looking for is.
  • Be quick to listen and encourage that THEY talk.
    • When your teen wants to talk, listen.
    • Listen to what is being said and what’s not being said.
    • Seek to understand:
      • where they are coming from?
      • how do they think?
      • what do they want?
      • how are they understanding this?
  • Be clear
    • Be specific.
    • The vague, “You know what I’m talking about” doesn’t cut it.
    • Use examples.
    • Don’t overcomplicate it.
  • Be vulnerable
    • It’s okay to feel uncomfortable.
    • It’s okay to share your past experience with something similar.
    • It’s okay to not have the answers.
  • Allow for curiosity
    • Be curious about them and what they think.
    • Let your teen be curious about you and what you think.
    • Explore the topic
    • Curiosity leads to honesty and truth.

So, what can you do now?

Stop focusing on the “difficult” conversations and start practicing having “IMPACTFUL” conversations with your teen.

Trust that they want to have these conversations with you, even if they are a little uncomfortable.

Trust that by YOU being true to your role and purpose as their parent, YOU WILL have a powerful impact on their life.

Take the plunge and practice having “impactful” conversations TODAY!

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#016 From Difficult to Impactful Conversations with Your Teen

#014 Impacting vs Controlling Your Teen

If you give up the desire to control your teen, you will have a powerful impact in their life!

“At the end of the day, the most overwhelming key to a child’s success is the positive involvement of parents.”
~ Jane D. Hull

“Children are educated by what the grown-up is and not by his talk.”
~ Carl Jung

Control is Impossible

This is a really hard one for parents, even myself. We have this natural desire to control our teens.

Think back a decade or so, when our teens were young kids and smaller, we could control a lot of aspects of their lives. When we asked them to get in the car, if they said “No,” we could simply pick them up and strap them in a car seat. We were in control. Mission accomplished: kid and car and securely strapped in with no chance of escape.

Now, if your teen is anything like mine, it’d be nearly impossible for me to force him into a car or prevent his escape.

As much as we think we want to control our teens, the extreme measures that it would require, are laughable.

I often ask clients to explore just what it would take to control their teens. Every answer has been extreme, from tying their teens to a chair, or medically sedating them, ultimately every parent agrees that not only is it to extreme to control their teen, but that that they don’t actually want to control them.

Control Kills Connection

When we try to control our teens, we are trying to connect with them where we want them instead of where they are.

This is an example of trying to connect with a teen that doesn’t actually exist.

This results in a weak connection with our teen.

Think about it, as an adult and a parent, how do you feel towards people who tell you that you’re not good enough, or that you need to fix x, y and z?

When we try to control our teens, we’re basically telling them, “You’re not good enough to handle life, so I’ll take it from here.”

This creates feelings of distrust and resentment on both sides of the relationship.

What’s the Difference In IMPACT vs. CONTROL?

Impact is inward focused on the only thing we can control, ourselves.

Impact is focused on OUR impact. The impact that WE want to have and leave behind.

Whereas control is focusing on our teen, something definitely outside of our control.

Rather than focusing on our own result, our impact, we try to focus on our teen’s results, their choices.

Having an impact means that we show up intentionally to parent in a way that is inline with our purpose and vision for OURSELVES. I have an impact as a dad by intentionally teaching and coaching. I’m not doing it to change my teen or my kids, I’m doing it so that I am consistent with my purpose and vision as a dad.

The Action’s the Same, But The Intention Changes EVERYTHING!

In a recent coaching call my client said, “Well, I’d do the exact same action, but my intention changes my result. It changes EVERYTHING!”

BINGO! This IS it!

Often times parents will ground and take away privileges in response to a teens behavior, and usually it’s with the intention of changing the teen’s behavior. The only problem is that they are focusing on getting a result that it out of their control, their teen changing their behavior.

What if you grounded your teen, or took away privileges, but you were doing it to teach a lesson to fulfill your role as a parent? All of a sudden, your focus is on you teaching a lesson rather than changing your teen.

Rather than taking the car away to punish them into changing, what if you took the care away to help teach them responsibility. If they learn responsibility, great! If not, it’s no big deal, you’ll continue teaching and supporting them.

Control is Temporary, IMPACT is Eternal.

Your days of controlling your kids is temporary. As they grow, develop, and mature, they need to develop more and more control over their own lives.

In order for them to learn how to control their life, they need you to give up control.

By doing this, though, you will have a much deeper and profound impact on their life.

I want to invite you to stop focusing on control and start focusing on your impact!

Do you want to work with me 1-on-1?

I’d like to offer you a FREE discovery coaching session! On this call, we’ll work together to explore what your struggling with and ways that I might be able to help you through weekly coaching.

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