I want to walk you through my 10 favorite things to teach parents.
In fact, these principles are not only my favorite things to teach, but they are the things that the parents who I work with consistently tell me have had the most impact on their lives.
So, over the next several episodes, you’ll get access to my top 10 favorite principles.
And, I’m going to teach them in the order that I think would be most beneficial to you.
Being the Parent of Your Dreams is an Identity Process
Your identity is a powerful driver in your life.
It’s really hard to do things that aren’t aligned with your identity.
Think about smoking for example.
If you’re not a smoker, it would be pretty hard for you to smoke.
It would feel wrong, and icky, and just completely foreign to you.
It’s because, if you identify as a non-smoker, that goes completely against how you think, feel, and behave.
This is important to recognize because if you think you’re a “Bad Parent” it’s going to be hard to do things that you think only good parents do.
Your Parenting Identity is Like Your GPS
If you think about GPS, it only needs two pieces of data to function.
Where you are, and where you want to be.
That’s it.
With those two points, it can calculate different routes to get you where you want to be.
To be the parent of your dreams, you need to trust your parenting GPS, and you need to know where you are and where you want to be.
That is your identity.
Once you know that, tough parenting moments get easier.
Just like having GPS makes driving in unfamiliar territory, knowing your identity makes parenting in uncharted territory easier.
Create a 10-Word Vision Statement
One of my favorite exercises to walk parents through is that of creating a 10-word vision statement for themselves and their parenting.
It’s super easy, and SUPER POWERFUL!
I’ve had several parents name this as the #1 thing that’s changed everything for them.
Here is a simple process for doing this:
Brainstorm/journal for 5-10 minutes about who you want to be as a parent.
What are your values?
How do you want to show up?
Then, take what you just journaled and identify what things are within your control.
“I want my teen to feel safe around me” is outside of your control. You can’t control how your teen feels.
However, “I want to be a safe harbor for my teen and listen with curiosity and love” are things that you can control.
Next, craft a 10-Word Vision Statement that is empowering and within your control.
My favorite that I’ve ever come up with is:
Parenting with love, confidence, and curiosity is easy and fun.
This vision statement will act as your navigation system in awesome parenting moments and in tough parenting moments.
Know Yourself and Trust Yourself
Every parent has a unique blend of skills, strengths, and gifts.
Get to know yours!
Trust that you have been given these skills, strengths, and gifts because YOU are the perfect parent for your teen.
When you know these strengths and gifts, you can access them more easily.
I want to walk you through my 10 favorite things to teach parents.
In fact, these principles are not only my favorite things to teach, but they are the things that the parents who I work with consistently tell me have had the most impact on their lives.
So, over the next several episodes, you’ll get access to my top 10 favorite principles.
And, I’m going to teach them in the order that I think would be most beneficial to you.
Parenting Doesn’t Have to Be Hard
One of the things that I hear all of the time is that “parenting teens is hard.”
Here’s the thing, parenting teens does not have to be hard.
That is a lie.
In fact, parenting teens can be simple, fun, and super easy.
If you find yourself believing that parenting teens is hard, I want you to explore, “What’s so hard about it?”
If you’re like many parents, it’s because you are trying to change your teen.
And, I believe that the hardest thing to do as a parent is to change your teen.
The reason this is so hard is because it’s impossible.
You cannot change your teen.
Sure, they can change, and it might even be because you asked them to, or grounded them, or got all crazy with them.
But still, YOU cannot change your teen.
And, if you think parenting is hard, it might be because you are trying to change them.
BE the Change
So, here’s the secret.
Quit trying to change your teen and simply BE THE CHANGE you want to see in your teen.
BOOM!
Mic drop.
The END!
This one thing will change EVERYTHING!
I love identifying the ONE THING that will change everything because it makes your job more simple.
You don’t have to do everything to create change.
Just do the one thing.
Change Happens from the INSIDE OUT
I promise you, if you stop trying to change things outside of yourself and start changing yourself, you’ll be amazed at how much things outside of you change.
Now, here’s a warning . . .
. . . NEVER change with the intention of getting someone else to change.
You’ll always be disappointed and disempowered.
Simply change for YOU.
BE The Change You Want To See In Your Teen (or even your spouse).
Your Change will Connect You with Your Teen
Something powerful will happen when you start BEing the change you want to see in your teen.
It will help you connect with your teen.
It will magically improve your relationship with your teen.
You’ll find yourself doing fewer things that are disconnective, like criticizing, trying to change them, and trying to control them.
You’ll also find that you are more empowered and impactful as a parent.
First of all, I don’t hate other parenting coaches.
In fact, I don’t think I hate anyone.
I know tons of parenting coaches that are freaking amazing.
I just see the ads on Facebook and the emails in my inbox telling me things like,
“I’m THE parenting expert, and YOU should only listen to me.”
“Parent this way so your kids will . . . (fill in the blank).”
Or, “Here’s the RIGHT way to parent.”
So, I’m going to share some of the things that I think are holding parents back, and I’m also going to share a mindset shift that will help you change everything.
#1 I’m NOT “THE Parenting Expert,” YOU Are!
I remember once when I wanted to be THE parenting expert.
I wanted to be the ONE and only person that other people came to for parenting coaching.
Then I learned something very powerful, I can’t be the expert in YOUR life.
Only YOU can.
This came to me when I wanted some business expert to come and tell me how to run my business.
I HATED IT.
First of all, I don’t really like it when people tell me what to do, and second of all, they didn’t even really understand who I am, what I want, what I want my business to look like, and how I want to run things.
That meant, they were telling me to do things that I didn’t really want to do.
And when I did those things, it felt completely out of alignment with my values and identity.
Then I realized, how can they be THE EXPERT in MY business?
Truth is, they can’t. Only I can be the expert in my business.
And, the same is true for you in your family. Only YOU can be the expert on YOUR parenting.
When you realize that YOU are the expert in your parenting, your mindset will shift.
Instead of looking for answers outside of yourself, you’ll start finding all the answers you need from inside of yourself.
You’ll find that you have inner wisdom for your life and parenting circumstances that no one else has.
#2 “Parent This Special Way, So Your Teen Will Do . . . “
The truth is, most parenting advice is secretly focused on the children.
I get it. We all want to change our children from time to time.
The problem is, when you start parenting with the intention that your child will change or do what you want, it causes you to parent in a way that is not in line with who you want to be.
This is actually called manipulation.
I’m going to ACT this way or do this thing, so you will behave.
Anytime you do something as a parent with the intention that it will change, fix, or control your teen, you’re trying to manipulate them, and you’re not parenting in line with your identity or values.
So, here’s the mindset shift.
Rather than parenting in the “special” way, hoping your teen will change, parent the way that makes you feel alive, confident, and connected.
I completely believe that I am an amazing dad.
I feel like my best is not only good enough, but it is EXACTLY what my family needs.
Because I believe this, I feel alive, guided, confident, and connected.
#3 There’s a Right and a Wrong Way To Parent
This one is related to #2, but it’s different enough that it deserved its own mention.
There is no “right” way to parent.
Parenting the “right” way is a common theme in parenting advice.
The problem is, it’s so hard to nail down exactly is “right” and “wrong”.
Also, what if someone thinks you’re wrong, but someone else thinks you’re right?
The truth is, there’s no “right” and “wrong” way to parent.
Rather than trying to parent according to what someone else thinks is “right” for you, find out for yourself what’s right for you.
Here’s a powerful mindset shift.
You are the right parent for your teen.
No one loves them like you do. No one is as committed to them as you are.
You are perfect for them, and they are perfect for you!
Join The Firmly Founded Parent (FFP) Membership
If you want to seriously uplevel your parenting, join the membership.
If you’re tired of arguing with your teen and trying to help them even though they don’t want help, join the membership.
If you like 1:1 support, join the membership.
If you want the support of a community of parents just like you, join the community.
Both Teens and Parents Struggle with This, Including Me
Do you ever worry that you’re not good enough?
I recently heard that one of the biggest fears that hold people back is the fear of not BEING good enough.
As I look back on my life as a teenager, and even my life now as a life coach, I can see how the fear of not being good enough has plagued me from time to time.
Comparison Feels Like Not Being Good Enough?
Recently I was at a business event with my favorite business partner ever, my wife.
At this event, there were coaches who were more established than me, more “successful”, more outgoing, making more money, and more confident than me.
Every time I compared myself to someone else, I worried that I wasn’t good enough.
If you worry that you’re not good enough, you’re probably comparing yourself to someone or something else.
You might be comparing yourself to other parents, to your friends, or maybe even to a mythical version of yourself that doesn’t even exist.
The problem with comparison is that it is never accurate and it is often the reason you feel like you’re not good enough.
Worry About What Others Think
Another thing that might be making you feel like you’re not good enough is worrying about what others think about you.
Recently I spoke to a high school swim team.
One of the things the girls told me was, “I’m constantly anxious because I don’t want to disappoint my parents.”
This anxiousness was holding her back from swimming to her full potential.
Because she was focused on what her parents may or may not be thinking about her, she often didn’t swim as well as she thought she should have.
She was worried about not being good enough, and that was causing her to not be good enough in her mind.
You Are BETTER Than Good Enough
The other day I was speaking with someone and she told me that she had heard someone say, “You are the perfect parent for your children, and your children are the perfect children for you.”
I think she is right on.
You ARE the perfect parent for your teens, in all your imperfection.
And, your teen is the perfect teen for you, in all their imperfection.
Trust that you are actually better than good enough.
You are perfectly matched for your teen, and when you trust this, you will start to see evidence of this all over.
Whether You Are “Good Enough” or Not is Dependent on Your Stories
Henry Ford is famous for saying, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right,”
The same principle is true here. Whether you think you are “better than good enough” or you think you’re not good enough – you’re right.
So, you might as well shift your focus to find evidence that you are awesome!
Your brain finds what you look for.
If you think you’re not good enough, your brain is going to show you all the things that you think are not good enough about you.
If you think that you are better than good enough, your brain is going to show you all the things that you are doing that are amazing.
You get to choose where you place your attention.
Practice Believing that You are Better than Enough.
You truly are better than simply being good enough.
You are amazing.
You are perfectly imperfect, or imperfectly perfect, either way, you are just the way you are supposed to be.
Does that mean that you have no room for growth?
Of course not. But it does mean that you can stop trying to grow and improve because you think you’re not good enough.
Practice appreciating things about yourself.
Seriously, what makes you special and unique?
What gifts do you have that no one else has?
Practice seeing your value.
Join Me for a Transformational Conversation
I’m going to be hosting another live Transformational Conversation, and I want YOU to join me.
If you have a relationship that you want to improve, you need to better understand how YOU are the creator of your relationships with others, especially your teenager.
Having a transformational conversation is more powerful than simply listening.
Conversations engage the mind. They help you take new thoughts and beliefs to a deeper level.
Come have a transformational conversation with me and other parents just like you, and let’s create some new and powerful beliefs in your parenting in 2023.
This transformational conversation will be live over zoom, face to face, on Wednesday, February 15th at 12:00 pm MST.
Click the button below to find out how to join the conversation.
