One of My Teen Clients Inspired This Episode
I recently had a call with a teenage young man and he wanted help breaking old, bad, habits.
I’m restructuring how I do my 1:1 coaching calls to be less scripted and more conversational, so we basically just had this super powerful conversation about habits.
I really loved the insight that he brought to the coaching call, so I’m going to share what I remember with you and invite you to come join a transformational conversation with me to help you change how you approach habits in your life.
I’m super excited for this conversation because during this time of year, most people over focus on goals, which they usually forget about and fail, and they under focus on habits, which is what they really need to accomplish their New Year’s Goals.
I’m going to invite YOU to join me in a transformational conversation about goals in the future. I’ll tell you more at the end of this podcast,
What Makes Breaking Habits Hard for You?
This is a powerful question to explore for yourself.
Seriously, I invite you to ask yourself, literally say this to yourself out loud, “What makes breaking habits hard for me?”
Let you’re mind explore that.
Gain some serious awareness around that.
When I asked this young man that question he told me 3 things.
- How long I’ve been doing the habit.
- Basically how many times the habit has been repeated.
- Repetion is a powerful force when it comes to creating habits.
- Your will power.
- Basically your desire and determination.
- Having too many steps needed to break the habit.
- Basically making your new habit too complicated.
I loved those examples that he shared.
Here are the two that I added that we discussed:
- Identifying as your habit.
- Basically seeing yourself as your habit (for example, “I’m a yeller,” or “I’m a smoker,” or “I’m lazy.”)
- The perceived benefit of the habit.
- Drinking Diet Dr. Pepper tastes great. You get a dopamine hit.
- Yelling at your kids used to get them to listen, respond, change.
As we talked about this he said it was helpful to understand why it can be hard to break habits.
What makes your habits hard to break could be different for you, so make sure to explore this for yourself.
Also, I don’t recommend focusing on breaking bad habits. Instead, I recommend building desired habits.
What Makes Breaking Habits Hard is The Secret To Creating Habits Easily
Now, I want to let you in on a little secret. Whatever it is that makes habits hard for you is the secret for making habits easy for you.
For example, if the amount of times that you’ve repeated a habit makes it harder to break, doing the new desired habit over and over, getting reps in, is the secret to creating a new habit to replace the old one.
You can go through your own list and find ways to apply the list of things making your habits hard to ways that you can make creating new habits easy.
Your Habits Create Your Results
One of the problems that I have with traditional coaching is that they are overly focused on individual actions.
I love the self-coaching model. It’s a powerful tool. But, it’s only focused on individual actions, not habits.
Your habits create your results.
If you want better results, you need better habits.
Learn how to intentionally create your desired habits, and you can learn how to intentionally create the life of your dreams.
Join Me for a Transformational Conversation
I’m going to be hosting two live Transformational Conversations, and I want YOU to join me.
If you have some New Year’s goals, and their mostly on repeat from last year, you need to better understand your habits and what it takes to create new habits.
Having a transformational conversation is more powerful than simply listening.
Conversations engage the mind. They help you take new thoughts and belief to a deeper level.
Come have a transformational conversation with me and other parents just like you, and lets create some new and powerful habits in your parenting in 2023.
These transformational conversations will be live over zoom, face to face, on Thursday, January 12th at 10 am MST and Tuesday, January 24th, at 10 am MST.
Click the button below to find out how to join the conversation.
The Self-Coaching Model
I teach a tool called The Model. I learned it from my coach Brooke Castillo.
The model is the concept that there are Circumstances in life that lead to Thoughts, which create Feelings, which drive our Actions, which create our Results.
Lots of coaches refer to it as the CTFAR model.
The self-coaching model is a powerful tool.
It’s not the only tool, but it is one that I teach all the time.
Your Model vs Your Teen’s Model
The Self-Coaching Model is at play in your life, your teen’s life, and everyone’s life.
Your model can even have the same circumstance as your teen’s model.
In fact, I’ve seen teens simply adopt their parent’s models, and have identical models.
So here’s the most important thing to understand when it comes to the difference between your model and your teen’s model.
You can only control your own model.
You CAN NOT control your teen’s model.
You are not responsible for how your teen thinks, feels, behaves, or the results that they create in their life.
You are only responsible for your own model.
So, stop trying to manage your teen’s model and let them do that for themselves.
“I don’t want to disappoint my parents.”
Recently I spoke to a high school swim team.
One of the things the girls told me was, “I’m constantly anxious because I don’t want to disappoint my parents.”
Can you see how these teens were focused on someone else’s model?
Of course they’re feeling anxious. They are focused on something outside of their control.
Over Christmas, one of the things that I heard mothers tell me in their coaching sessions was, “I don’t want my kids to be disappointed with Christmas.”
Again, they’re feeling anxious because they are focused on something outside of their control., their teen’s model.
The problem is that our teens are learning to try to manage others’ models for them because they see us doing that as parents when we try to manage their models.
Let’s stop that!
Trust Your Teen
Your teen is more than capable of managing their own model.
You might ask, “what if they won’t manage it?”
That’s okay. They are perfectly capable of owning their model.
They are perfectly capable of owning the consequences of ignoring their model too.
Show your teen that you trust them.
Show them that they have the power to manage how they think and feel.
Show them that you trust them and give them the autonomy to manage their model for themselves.
Manage Your Own Model
You can’t manage your teen’s model for them, but you can be a powerful example to them of managing your own model.
In fact, in my experience, when parents manage their own models, things change in their homes.
Often, simply managing your own model is enough to help your teen start managing their own.
Human beings are herd animals, including your teen.
If you lead by example, they are likely to follow.
Create the Tradition of Parenting Growth in 2023!
Join me in becoming the parent of your dreams.
I’m re-launching the Firmly Founded Parent, and it’s AMAZING!
This is a gift that will impact not only you, but your whole entire family as well.
As you grow and develop your parenting skills, things will change in your whole home.
Make this year magical, by BEING the parent of your dreams.
Check out the NEW and IMPROVED Firmly Founded Parent Community.
If you want access to my new course, Parenting with Peace and Simplicity, now’s the time.
If you’re ready to stop waiting for your teen to change, get access to 1:1 coaching with me in the membership so YOU can start to be the change.
Connect with other parents who are also working to Be the change in their family.
Start BEING the parent of your dreams!