I recently had a call with a teenage young man and he wanted help breaking old, bad, habits.
I’m restructuring how I do my 1:1 coaching calls to be less scripted and more conversational, so we basically just had this super powerful conversation about habits.
I really loved the insight that he brought to the coaching call, so I’m going to share what I remember with you and invite you to come join a transformational conversation with me to help you change how you approach habits in your life.
I’m super excited for this conversation because during this time of year, most people over focus on goals, which they usually forget about and fail, and they under focus on habits, which is what they really need to accomplish their New Year’s Goals.
I’m going to invite YOU to join me in a transformational conversation about goals in the future. I’ll tell you more at the end of this podcast,
What Makes Breaking Habits Hard for You?
This is a powerful question to explore for yourself.
Seriously, I invite you to ask yourself, literally say this to yourself out loud, “What makes breaking habits hard for me?”
Let you’re mind explore that.
Gain some serious awareness around that.
When I asked this young man that question he told me 3 things.
How long I’ve been doing the habit.
Basically how many times the habit has been repeated.
Repetion is a powerful force when it comes to creating habits.
Your will power.
Basically your desire and determination.
Having too many steps needed to break the habit.
Basically making your new habit too complicated.
I loved those examples that he shared.
Here are the two that I added that we discussed:
Identifying as your habit.
Basically seeing yourself as your habit (for example, “I’m a yeller,” or “I’m a smoker,” or “I’m lazy.”)
The perceived benefit of the habit.
Drinking Diet Dr. Pepper tastes great. You get a dopamine hit.
Yelling at your kids used to get them to listen, respond, change.
As we talked about this he said it was helpful to understand why it can be hard to break habits.
What makes your habits hard to break could be different for you, so make sure to explore this for yourself.
Also, I don’t recommend focusing on breaking bad habits. Instead, I recommend building desired habits.
What Makes Breaking Habits Hard is The Secret To Creating Habits Easily
Now, I want to let you in on a little secret. Whatever it is that makes habits hard for you is the secret for making habits easy for you.
For example, if the amount of times that you’ve repeated a habit makes it harder to break, doing the new desired habit over and over, getting reps in, is the secret to creating a new habit to replace the old one.
You can go through your own list and find ways to apply the list of things making your habits hard to ways that you can make creating new habits easy.
Your Habits Create Your Results
One of the problems that I have with traditional coaching is that they are overly focused on individual actions.
I love the self-coaching model. It’s a powerful tool. But, it’s only focused on individual actions, not habits.
Your habits create your results.
If you want better results, you need better habits.
Learn how to intentionally create your desired habits, and you can learn how to intentionally create the life of your dreams.
Join Me for a Transformational Conversation
I’m going to be hosting two live Transformational Conversations, and I want YOU to join me.
If you have some New Year’s goals, and their mostly on repeat from last year, you need to better understand your habits and what it takes to create new habits.
Having a transformational conversation is more powerful than simply listening.
Conversations engage the mind. They help you take new thoughts and belief to a deeper level.
Come have a transformational conversation with me and other parents just like you, and lets create some new and powerful habits in your parenting in 2023.
These transformational conversations will be live over zoom, face to face, on Thursday, January 12th at 10 am MST and Tuesday, January 24th, at 10 am MST.
Click the button below to find out how to join the conversation.
Some of your beliefs that used to be super beneficial might now be holding you back.
“You are not your habits. You are not your urges. You are not your habit voice telling you to go into your habits. (. . .) You cannot change your habits by fighting them.” ~ Jim Fortin
What are Habitual Beliefs?
Habitual beliefs are beliefs that are simply habits. If you’re like most people, you think and believe them without even realizing it. Just like most other habits, you’ve thought and believed these beliefs so many times that they come completely natural to you and it all happens unconsciously.
Most people believe their habitual thoughts are actually fact or truth. When this happens, you start to incorporate your habitual beliefs as part of your identity.
Habitual beliefs create habitual emotions. Emotions that underscore other emotions.
For me, it sometimes looks like this.
Ben’s Habitual Belief: “I’m not good enough” . . . or . . . “I’m doing this wrong.” Ben’s Habitual Emotion: Self-Doubt . . . or . . . Shame
There was a time were I regularly thought this without even realizing it. These ideas that, “I’m not good enough,” or “I’m doing this wrong,” made me feel inadequate in everything I did, from parenting to being a principal, to starting my life coach business.
These habitual beliefs were holding me back.
The good news, the best news ever, is that you don’t have to continue believing these habitual beliefs!
You can let them grow and choose your own beliefs.
Where Did Your Habitual Beliefs Come From and How Do They Benefit You?
Developing awareness is one of the most powerful things you can do in all areas of your life. I talk about awareness ALL OF THE TIME! So, here we go again.
It’s powerful to understand where these habitual beliefs came from and when you started developing the habit of thinking this way. This awareness and understanding will give you the power to shift your beliefs.
If you’re like me, the belief, “I’m not good enough,” started when you were very young. You may have had teachers and parents tell you, “You need to do better . . . ,” or “You need to be better . . . ” Maybe you were compared to a “smarter” or “better” sibling or friend. At some point, you adopted the belief that you aren’t good enough and then you developed this habit over the space of years.
Take some time to really explore where your habitual beliefs came from. When did you start thinking this way?
Next, explore, “How have these beliefs served me”?
For me, thinking “I’m not good enough” has kept me safe and comfortable. I didn’t take the risk of trying out for the high school basketball team because I believed, “I’m not good enough.” That belief benefited me because I didn’t have to do something hard. I didn’t have to put myself in a position to possibly be cut from the team and embarrassed.
Everything you believe benefits you on some level. Find the benefits so you are fully aware of what’s going on.
How Are Your Habitual Beliefs No Longer Benefiting You?
Now that you’ve taken some time to understand where these beliefs came from and how they benefit you, you’re ready to do the easy part.
How are these habitual beliefs no longer benefiting you?
When I believe, “I’m not good enough” I hold myself back. I feel regular self-doubt. I don’t take risks, and I don’t do scary things like building my business.
How are your beliefs no longer benefiting you?
One of my clients had the habitual belief, “Bad grades can ruin your life.” For her, this belief started at a very young age. She was told that she needed to get good grades to be successful. This belief has benefited her in her life because she earned very good grades. She got scholarships to help her go to college. She learned how to work hard.
But, she realized that this belief was no longer serving her. When she applied this belief to her teen she felt scared, which led to the action of her trying to control and/or fix her teen and make him get better grades, which created the result of a lot of tension in their relationship.
Choosing New Habitual Beliefs
YOU have the power to choose what you will think and believe. You have the power to choose what thoughts and beliefs you will give attention to. You are where your attention is.
You don’t have to be driven by your old habitual beliefs.
They may have benefited you in the past, but if they are no longer benefiting you, you can choose new beliefs.
The power of choosing your own habitual beliefs is that 90% of what you do is habit-based. If you want better results, develop better habits. If you want a better reality, cultivate better habitual beliefs.
The beliefs that have gotten you here are not the same beliefs that will get you to your goals.
The hard part is that most people identify as their habits. If you’re like most people, you see your habits as a part of who you are. This makes you a slave to your habitual beliefs.
YOU ARE NOT YOUR HABITUAL BELIEFS!
You are not your thoughts, you are the thinker of your thoughts.
You are not your habits. You are the doer of your habits.
You are the thinker of your habitual beliefs.
You are not your habitual beliefs. Your habitual beliefs are simply your thoughts! You get to control them.
How to Shift Your Habitual Beliefs
Distance yourself from the habitual belief
Anytime you think the undesired habitual belief, think to yourself:
“That’s not me. It’s just one of my beliefs.”
This will help you to stop identifying as your habitual belief.
You are not the belief, you are the thinker of the belief.
Acknowledge that the belief has served you in the past, but that this belief no longer serves you.
This belief isn’t good or bad. No need for shame.
You’re grateful that this thought used to serve you. It got you to where you are today. But,
This way of thinking does not serve you any longer. It does not connect you to your desired result.
Dismiss the old belief and move your attention to your new belief.
You can say, “I dismiss my old belief NOW,” and/or
“I move my attention to . . . (insert the new intentional belief).
Call to ACTION!
I’m getting ready to launch my BETA program for parents, Impact Parenting Program. And I want YOU to help me make it the best program ever.
If you are interested in getting in at founding member pricing (a huge discount) and helping me build something that will benefit parents of teens just like you, click the link below to get on the waitlist, and I’ll notify you when I’m ready to launch.