#134 – Let Your Teen Manage Their Own Model
The Self-Coaching Model
I teach a tool called The Model. I learned it from my coach Brooke Castillo.
The model is the concept that there are Circumstances in life that lead to Thoughts, which create Feelings, which drive our Actions, which create our Results.
Lots of coaches refer to it as the CTFAR model.
The self-coaching model is a powerful tool.
It’s not the only tool, but it is one that I teach all the time.
Your Model vs Your Teen’s Model
The Self-Coaching Model is at play in your life, your teen’s life, and everyone’s life.
Your model can even have the same circumstance as your teen’s model.
In fact, I’ve seen teens simply adopt their parent’s models, and have identical models.
So here’s the most important thing to understand when it comes to the difference between your model and your teen’s model.
You can only control your own model.
You CAN NOT control your teen’s model.
You are not responsible for how your teen thinks, feels, behaves, or the results that they create in their life.
You are only responsible for your own model.
So, stop trying to manage your teen’s model and let them do that for themselves.
“I don’t want to disappoint my parents.”
Recently I spoke to a high school swim team.
One of the things the girls told me was, “I’m constantly anxious because I don’t want to disappoint my parents.”
Can you see how these teens were focused on someone else’s model?
Of course they’re feeling anxious. They are focused on something outside of their control.
Over Christmas, one of the things that I heard mothers tell me in their coaching sessions was, “I don’t want my kids to be disappointed with Christmas.”
Again, they’re feeling anxious because they are focused on something outside of their control., their teen’s model.
The problem is that our teens are learning to try to manage others’ models for them because they see us doing that as parents when we try to manage their models.
Let’s stop that!
Trust Your Teen
Your teen is more than capable of managing their own model.
You might ask, “what if they won’t manage it?”
That’s okay. They are perfectly capable of owning their model.
They are perfectly capable of owning the consequences of ignoring their model too.
Show your teen that you trust them.
Show them that they have the power to manage how they think and feel.
Show them that you trust them and give them the autonomy to manage their model for themselves.
Manage Your Own Model
You can’t manage your teen’s model for them, but you can be a powerful example to them of managing your own model.
In fact, in my experience, when parents manage their own models, things change in their homes.
Often, simply managing your own model is enough to help your teen start managing their own.
Human beings are herd animals, including your teen.
If you lead by example, they are likely to follow.
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#028 Christmas Gift!
The best gift you can give is YOU and how you show up as a parent! Give your and your teen the gift of appreciation.
“Trade your expectation for appreciation and see your entire world change.”
~ Tony Robbins
Two Traditions, “Christmas Gift!” and Find the Lamb
My wife’s family has a tradition.
Each Christmas, people try to be the first to greet one another by saying, “Christmas Gift!”
We try to sneak in to the house without being seen, just so we can catch someone unaware and “Christmas Gift” them.
It’s a fun tradition that gets the whole family involved.
In my home we have a large Christmas Village. There are 15 houses/buildings, 2 ponds with skaters, 2 bridges, a train, a nativity scene, and 1 lamb.
The tradition is that someone hides the lamb in the village, and everyone else tries to find it amongst all the distractions. It helps us remember the reason we celebrate Christmas.
A Christmas gift for YOU and your teen?
This Christmas, I want to invite you to give yourself a powerful Christmas gift! You will also give this gift to your teen, but I promise, you will benefit the most from it.
This gift has two daily exercises.
Exercise #1: For the next 7 days, spend a few minutes throughout the day looking for evidence that you are a great parent. Identify things that you think you are doing well. Identify things that you like about yourself. Remember to look for them throughout the day.
Then in the evening, write down a list of 10 things that you found that support the idea that you ARE a great parent.
Repeat this exercise every day for the next 7 days.
Exercise #2: For the next 7 days, spend a few minutes throughout the day looking for evidence that your teenager IS doing their best. Identify things that you think they are doing well. Identify things that you like about them. Remember to look for them throughout the day.
Then in the evening, write down a list of 10 things that you found that support the idea that your teenager IS doing their best.
Repeat this exercise every day for the next 7 days.
You find what you are looking for/You are where your focus is!
What you look for you will find. We’ve been conditioned to find the negative. Let’s change that. Let’s look for the positive.
This will change how you feel towards yourself!
This will change how you feel towards your teen.
How you feel towards your teen is a reflection/projection of how you feel about yourself.
This truly is the best gift you can give yourself this Christmas.
Special Gift for YOU!
As I mentioned in the Thanksgiving episode, my birthday was last month, and I LOVE to celebrate the holidays. I love Christmas and the whole holiday season!
I want to offer you a special gift!
From now, through the end of 2020, I am giving away a few free coaching sessions each week. I want to help you, NO STRINGS ATTACHED!
Space is limited, and it’s first come first serve.
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Call to ACTION!
Join my group coaching program if you’d like to dive deeper into gratitude and goals during the month of November. I promise that this will help you become the parent of your dreams.
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