by Ben | Apr 28, 2022 | Podcast
Boundaries done well will make your life easier as a parent.
“Children learn to hold boundaries based on how we hold boundaries.” ~Brené Brown
Boundaries Myths:
I want to start off by dispelling some common myths when it comes to raising teens and setting boundaries.
- MYTH:
Boundaries are hard! - TRUTH:
Boundaries don’t have to be hard or complex. In fact, the best boundaries are simple!
- MYTH:
Boundaries will control my teen. - TRUTH:
Sorry to burst your bubble, but you can’t control your teen. BUT, you can control you! Boundaries are meant to help you be the parent you want to be.
- MYTH:
I have to have boundaries established ahead of time. - TRUTH:
You can establish boundaries at any time. Sometimes it’s beneficial to have them established ahead of time, sometimes it’s beneficial to establish them in the moment, and sometimes it’s beneficial to establish them retroactively.
- MYTH:
Boundaries will push my need away. - TRUTH:
Boundaries will actually help your teen better connect with you. It will help them see and understand how to connect with you. Your teen might not like your boundaries, but that’s not your job.
- MYTH:
Good parents make restrictive boundaries. - TRUTH:
Your boundaries don’t have to be restrictive.
Common Mistakes When Setting Boundaries
I’m not trying to judge you or how you set boundaries. I’m just trying to share some of the common pitfalls that I’ve noticed parents often make when trying to set boundaries.
Usually, the only reason I would call it a “mistake” is that it doesn’t create the results that they are looking for.
- MISTAKE:
Setting boundaries to control your teen. - SECRET TIP:
Shift your focus from your teen (something outside of your control) to what you can control, how you will respond.
- MISTAKE:
Setting boundaries to get your teen to change or do something different. - SECRET TIP:
Again, this is focused on changing your teen or getting them to do something different, both outside of your control. It’s better to focus on what YOU CAN CONTROL, you and how you will think, feel, and act.
- MISTAKE:
Trying to be “COOL” and setting no boundaries. - SECRET TIP:
Don’t worry about being cool. Sometimes your teen will not like your boundaries, and that’s okay!
- MISTAKE:
Making boundaries super complicated. - SECRET TIP:
The best boundaries are simple and clear.
- MISTAKE:
Setting boundaries without even attempting to get your teen’s input or getting them on board. - SECRET TIP:
When possible give your teen a voice. Give them the opportunity to chime in and help make the boundaries even better.
- MISTAKE:
Setting boundaries out of anger and/or fear. - SECRET TIP:
Fear and anger rarely help you be the parent of your dreams. Love, curiosity, gratitude, and hope tend to help parents be more like that totally awesome version of themselves that they imagined back when they were teens. Try setting boundaries out of love, curiosity, gratitude, and hope.
Boundaries are Important for YOU and YOUR TEEN!
Sometimes boundaries aren’t fun. Brené Brown boundaries as a “parenting sacrifice, or is [the] the process by which we make family sacred?
Be willing to do this process.
How you set and hold boundaries will give your teens an example of how to set and hold boundaries.
Boundaries will give your teen structure, safety, and the power to exercise their own choices.
Boundaries will give you structure, safety, and a guide for how you want to parent in the face of your teen’s choices.
Boundaries will improve your relationship with your teen.
Join our Herd!
Human beings are herd animals. We are unintentional about most of the herds we are a part of.
You have the opportunity to intentionally join a herd of like-minded parents who want to grow! You can be part of a herd that will help grow and develop.
Want to join the Firmly Founded Parent?
Join now while the doors are open.
https://www.firmlyfounded.com/parent
Want to join the Firmly Founded Teen?
Join now while the doors are open.
https://www.firmlyfounded.com/teen
![#080 “Better Than Happy” with Jody Moore!]()
by Ben | Dec 23, 2021 | Podcast
This book will help you retrain your brain!
It’s Common to Think Your Not Good Enough
We have 60,000 thoughts each day. 85% of those thoughts are negative. 95% of those thoughts are habitual thoughts.
It’s okay!
This is part of being human.
You do though, have the power to retrain your brain and develop new thought patterns.
It’s natural to think that you are not good enough, but I promise you that you are good enough! You are exactly the parent that your teen needs.
Now, you get to move forward and become the parent of your dreams.
Powerful Questions
The quality of your life is a reflection of the quality of questions that you ask yourself.
Jody shared some powerful questions.
- Who do I want to be NOW?
- What would love do?
- What’s the most loving thing to do next?
- What if nothing’s gone wrong here?
- What if this was always meant to happen this way?
I like to ask “How can I be the change I want to see in the other person?”
Reprograming Your Brain Is Uncomfortable
Resisting your emotions slows down the process.
You get to choose how you think.
Embrace your present reality!
Practice identifying and understanding your thoughts.
It’s natural to think negatively, and most of our thoughts are simply habitual and patterns.
Your Children’s Struggles Make them Stronger
The experiences our children go through give them confidence.
They gain confidence, compassion, identity, skills, everything from overcoming trials.
This is something that I am actually working on in my home with my teenagers, all of my kids actually.
I want to allow them, invite them, and even challenge them to do hard things.
This helps me fulfill my role as a dad.
It also helps my kids develop so many qualities that I want them to develop.
Better Than Happy by Jody Moore
Better Than Happy Amazon link
Better Than Happy Audible link
You can learn more about Jody at:
Jodymoore.com
Call to ACTION!
Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership!
Start BEing the parent of your dreams today.
![#080 “Better Than Happy” with Jody Moore!]()
by Ben | Dec 16, 2021 | Podcast
Simplifying boundaries will benefit both you and your teen!
Boundaries Aren’t Meant to Control Anyone
One of the biggest mistakes I see parents making when it comes to boundaries is when they make a boundary hoping that it will change their teen’s behavior.
Anytime you are hoping to change your teen’s behavior, that is more of a manual or manipulation than it is a boundary.
Boundaries aren’t meant to control anyone, especially not the other person.
It is important to remember that you cannot control anyone other than yourself.
Any effort made to control your teenager is an example of your focus being on things outside of your control.
This positions you as a victim because you are at the mercy of someone other than yourself.
Boundaries Are More For YOU
Setting boundaries is more for your benefit than for anyone else’s benefit. In fact, most boundaries don’t even need to ever be expressed to the other person.
Another common mistake with boundaries is focusing on the other person.
What the other person does or doesn’t do is less important than what YOU will do.
For example, I have a boundary that If you yell at me, I will leave.
I usually don’t ever tell the other person about this boundary. I simply notice that a boundary has been crossed, and I leave.
I don’t even need to involve the other person.
I learned this when I was a high school football player. When the team would be talking dirty or horsing around, I simply got up and left. I didn’t need to change them, I didn’t want to be a part of their behavior, so I just left.
The same is true when you are raising your teen. Boundaries are more for your benefit than for theirs.
Sometimes you might share your boundaries with them, but it’s not a requirement.
The Best Boundaries are Set with Love
Another mistake that I see when it comes to boundaries is setting them out of anger or fear.
You don’t have to be mad to set or enforce a boundary.
You can, and sometimes you will be mad or scared.
But, the best boundaries are set and executed with love.
The best boundaries are set with an inward focus of “what can I control?” or “how do I want to show up here?”
It sets the other person free to be themselves and do whatever they want, but it gives you clear guidance and direction as to how you show up.
Boundaries are Meant to Be Simple
Another common mistake when it comes to setting boundaries with your teen is overcomplicating the boundary.
Boundaries are meant to be simple.
This will make your life easier and your teen’s life easier.
One example of overcomplicating boundaries is informing the other person of a boundary that they don’t need to know about. Like I mentioned above with my high school football team. They didn’t need to know about the boundary. It didn’t impact them.
I kept it simple and just created and enacted the boundary on my own.
Another example of overcomplicating boundaries is when you have complex consequences or rewards for the other person’s behavior. Usually the more complex the boundary, the more likely it is that you are actually trying to change, control, or manipulate the other person.
I see this a lot with parents and their teen’s grades. Sometimes the parents get super creative and they have tons of different consequences and rewards, depending on what their teen does. The problem is, the more complex things are the more confused everyone will be when it actually comes to the boundary.
Keep boundaries simple for your sake and the other person.
Simple Boundaries = If you ____, I will ____.
Simple boundaries are, “If you _____, I will ______.
“If you yell at me, I will leave the room.”
“If you fail math, I will not pay for your phone.”
Call to ACTION!
Come join me in the Firmly Founded Parent Membership!
Start BEing the parent of your dreams today.
