#118 Stop DOING and Start BEING!

#118 Stop DOING and Start BEING!

So Many Parenting Gurus Focus on DOING

Recently I joined a new program to teach me some business tools to help me better help you, and in this program I’ve met some new friends who are also parenting coaches.

I wanted to get to know some of these these coaches, so obviously I digitally stalked them.

I was surprised by how much of what they teach is focused on what to DO as a parent so your kids will do what’s “right.”

So much of their focus is on DOING parenting a certain way.

And, they have examples of DOING these specific parenting techniques and the parent’s kids just completely changing.

While I’m happy for the parents experiencing success, I do feel that this approach of DOING is incomplete and more of a band-aid and temporary fix.

I do not believe that there is a RIGHT or WRONG way to parent!

I do not believe that the goal of parenting is to get your teenager to do the “right” things.

I believe that there is so much more to parenting.

When you shift for focus from what you are DOING as a parent, you will be able to put all that energy into BEING the parent of your dreams.

The BE-Do-Have Model

I teach this all the time in my coaching programs, and I’ve talked about it on podcasts, but I’ve never dedicated a podcast to the BE-Do-Have model.

So, this is long overdue, but none the less, here it is.

The BE-Do-Have Model.

I learned this from my coach, Jim Fortin.

The model is meant to help you shift your focus from what you DO or what you do or don’t HAVE to your ways of BEING.

Here’s one of my favorite examples, and one that I’ve experienced over and over.

When people want to lose weight, they typically shift their focus to some sort of DOING.

For example, “I’m going to DO this new exercise program.” Or, “I’m going to DO this new diet.”

They think that by DOING these things, they will then HAVE their goal of weight loss or 6 pack abs or something.

The problem is . . .

. . . And think about this. How many times have you seen this exact thing happen? Possibly in your own life . . .

. . . The problem is, after doing the diet and the exercise, and after having the weight loss, how many times do you see the person go right back to their old ways of BEING.

I’ve done this a hundred times.

I DO the diet and the exercise for a few months.

Then, I HAVE the weight loss.

And, to celebrate I go right back to my old ways of BEING and eat junk food.

If you don’t start with your ways of BEING, you’ll always revert back to your old ways of BEING.

Another example that I often see with dads is working from the Have-Do-Be model.

They try to work it backwards.

They think “If I HAD more money or more time, then I’d DO a family vacation, then I’d BE a good dad.

The problem is that they are focusing on something other than themselves to make them a good dad.

Start catching yourself working from anything other than the Be-Do-Have model, and start asking your self this question:

“Who do I need to BE, to DO the thing I need to do, to HAVE what I want to have?”

Who Do YOU Want To BE?

One of the things that I see most often that makes parents unhappy is that they don’t like who they’ve become as a parent.

They’ll often say things like, “How did I turn into my mom?” Or, “How did I get this way?”

The truth is, you got this way because this has become your subconscious way of BEING.

This is who you’ve allowed yourself to become.

I often do an exercise with parents, and I want to take a minute and do it with you.

Think back to a time when you thought something like:

  • “When I’m a parent, I’m going to . . . _____”
  • “When I’m a parent, I’m never going to . . . _____”
  • “When I’m a parent, I’m going to BE . . . _____”

If you’re like me, these thoughts might have come when you were in trouble and unhappy with your parents.

But, I’m guessing that there was a time when you had clarity in who you wanted to BE as a parent.

There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to BE as a parent.

The most important thing is to KNOW who YOU want to BE and to practice that way of BEING.

The Common Mistake

The common mistake that I see parents make, and some of my new parenting coaches and experts promoting, is to focus on DOING parenting “right” so your kids will change.

I promise you, the most powerful thing you can do if you want your teen to change, is to BE The Change You Want To See!

Stop trying to DO all the right things so your teen will change.

Instead, focus on BEING the parent that you’ve always wanted to be.

Join The BE The Change Challenge!

The BE The Change Challenge is now open!

If you want a happier home, this challenge is for you.

If you are disappointed in who you’ve become as a parent, this challenge will help you finally make the change you’ve been looking for.

Join the challenge today!

#109 A Thriving Family Starts with a Thriving YOU!

#109 A Thriving Family Starts with a Thriving YOU!

If you want to help your family thrive, you need to be thriving!

The Biggest Mistake

I get it!

Everyone wants a happy thriving family.

But, most parents make the mistake of focusing on everyone else in their family before they even think about themselves.

The problem is, when you focus on others, you lose power in your own life.

The biggest impact on your family will be to transform your own life.

Stop trying to fix everyone around you and go to work on your own personal growth.

If you want to go from being frustrated and fighting with your teens over screen time, chores, and how you should be more like their friends’ parents, focus on these 3 simple things:

  1. Identity and who YOU want to BE.
  2. Connection and YOUR relationships with self and others.
  3. Growth and YOUR personal practice and development.

If you shift your focus to these 3 things, you will find that you have a more clearly defined purpose, deeper relationships with others, and a drive and determination to grow into the person you’ve always wanted to be.


Who do YOU Want To BE?

Most parents have never really taken the time to think about this.

However, if you are like most parent, you can probably think back to a time when you had a clear idea of who you wanted to be as a parent.

For me, there was a time when I was in trouble with my parents.

If felt unlistened to, unheard, and I felt they were treating my unfairly.

I distinctly remember thinking, “When I’m a dad, I’m going to be fair. And, I’m going to listen. And, I’m going to be nice.”

Most parents have lost sight of any vision that they might have had for themselves and have reverted to simply parenting in reaction/survival mode.

I want to invite you to take some time to DEFINE your vision for yourself.

Who do YOU want to BE?

Explore that.

If you look back at my first 5 episodes, you’ll notice that the first 2 challenges were all about identity.

If you want to go from struggling as a family, take some time to define YOUR identity.


How is YOUR Relationship with yourself and others?

What most people don’t understand about relationships is that your relationships with others are simply reflections of your own relationship with yourself.

Want to improve your relationship with others, maybe a teen, spouse, or parent?

You’ve got to first improve your connection and relationship with yourself.

The problem is, if you’re like most people, you’ve learned to treat others with kindness, but that it’s okay to treat yourself like garbage.

If you’ve ever berated yourself in your head, or even out loud, or if you constantly think mean thoughts about yourself, these are indicators that your individual connection and relationship with yourself are struggling.

There is immense power in connecting to yourself and embracing that connection rather than trying to fight it or silence it with self-doubt and self-loathing.

YOU are powerful. YOU are amazing. And, YOU are exactly where and how you are “supposed” to be.

You can’t get to where you want to be without first BEing right where you are!

Take some time to appreciate where you are and what it’s taken to get there.

Acknowledge and appreciate your strengths and gifts.

There are special things about you that no one else has.

Start believing in yourself.

Start loving yourself.

Start BEing the best version of yourself that you can possibly be.

You cannot give to others what you do not have for yourself.

Want a better connection and relationship with others?

Develop a better connection and relationship with yourself first!


Where can YOU (and want to) practice and develop.

Sure, I could get better at ballroom dance and country swing, but I don’t really want to. Sorry Deb.

I do want to get better at disc golf, basketball, public speaking, entrepreneurship, and being the best husband and father that I can be.

There’s power in being willing to grow and develop.

It takes a certain humility and vulnerability, but it also takes courage and determination.

If you want to thrive as a parent, grow!

Look at plants; when they are growing, they are thriving.

Look at children. One of the things that doctors look for to know if children are thriving is growth patterns.

If you want a thriving family, . . .

If you want individual members of your family to thrive, . . .

. . . You need to grow!

It’s okay to be imperfect.

It’s okay to have room for improvement.

That’s the purpose of life.

Commit to BEing your best by practicing and developing.

When life and parenting is tough, just realize that you are doing some serious growing, and that’s okay.

Sometimes when life gets tough, that’s just life’s way of showing you areas where there’s room for improvement.

That’s okay.

Putting It All Together: Identity, Connection, AND Growth

One mistake that I see is when people focus on just one or two of these steps.

They understand who they want to be (identity) and they have good relationships with themselves and others (connection), but they aren’t growing (growth), and they feel stuck and stagnant.

I’ve seen people with great relationships (connections), and they’re working hard to grow and be the best they can be, but without an identity they feel lost and confused.

Maybe you’re growing, and you know exactly who you want to be (identity) but without a relationship with yourself it’s hard to connect with others.

And without some self-love, it’s hard to go through the discomfort of growth, and it’s hard to be someone you don’t like.

Come Connect with Us LIVE and In Person!

Our Summer Slam is Saturday, July 30th from 9:00 am to 9:00 pm.

It will include powerful lessons, fun activities, and an awesome evening filled with board games and connection.

See you there!


#108 Why Is Change So Hard?

#108 Why Is Change So Hard?

Everyone want’s to change, but most people aren’t committed to changing!

You’re Not Committed

I’ll be honest with you. This topic is on the forefront of my mind lately.

I’m trying to make some changes in my own life, and it’s been a struggle.

I’m making some changes with my physical health, and at times it’s been physically difficult and emotionally difficult.

One of the things that I’ve noticed is that my commitment to change has it’s ups and downs.

Some days I’m all in, 100% committed.

I feel motivated and it feels kind of easy.

And then the very next day, all motivation is out the window, and I’m only committed if there are not major temptations.

Some of the questions I’ve been exploring lately are?

  • Why am I not committed to this?
  • What AM I committed to?
  • What do I WANT to be committed to?
  • Why DO I want to commit to this?

Have you ever heard the quote, “It’s easier to hold your principles 100 percent of the time than it is to hold them 98 percent of the time,.” by Clayton Christensen?

This is the principle of commitment. It’s easier to be 100% committed than 98% committed.

If you’re struggling to commit, to be committed, work on getting their mentally.

For me, it helps to explore WHY I want to be committed.

  • I’m committed to being healthy because I want to be a healthy example to my kids.
  • I want to be healthy because I want to live a long and quality life with my family.
  • I want to be healthy so I can whoop up on my kids in sports.

Find your why and commit to it!

You’re Not Making Daily Progress

It sounds simple, but momentum builds momentum.

If you’re anything like me, one of the things that holds you back from making the changes you want to make is a lack of momentum.

It’s hard starting from zero, or negative $50,000, or plus 65 lbs.

Building momentum is a daily process, and the best way to build momentum is to make daily progress.

If you’ve been struggling to make the change you want to make, do these 2 simple things:

  1. Start today and do something small.
  2. Make a small and simple plan to do it again tomorrow.

Momentum builds momentum!

Start building momentum.

Continue building momentum.

BE an unstoppable force, constantly moving ever closer to your desired change.

You Don’t Have The Support You Need

Most people try to create change all on their own.

I get it.

You might be ashamed that you’ve let yourself get where you are today.

You might be embarrassed and trying to hide.

You might not believe that you can make the change you want.

Whatever your reason for doing it alone, you DON’T have to do it alone.

Get the support you need.

Inside of our Firmly Founded Family membership, we’ve seen countless parents and teens who have tried everything on their own, but once they got the help they needed, change was easy.

When you build a community around you, you get some huge benefits, like:

  • Accountability
  • Support
  • Different Perspectives
  • Friends
  • Examples of New Possibilities

Get the support you need, and start creating real change in your life.

You’re Old Ways Are Benefiting You

We do what we think benefits us.

Your habits and patterns are designed to continue getting you the old benefit that the original action, the start of the habit, once got you.

If you’re having a hard time making a change, explore these questions:

  • How is this benefiting me?
  • What benefit do I get from this?
  • Why did I want this benefit?
  • How is this no longer benefiting me?
  • How would it benefit me to change?

One of the things that I like to do is to eat delicious food until I’m stuffed.

How does this benefit me?

It makes me feel good. It helps me relax.

Why did I want this benefit.

I learned to buffer with good food from a young age. It’s my family’s love language.

How is this no longer benefiting me?

It’s making me fat. It keeps me from being athletic and dominating my sons in basketball.

How would it benefit me to change?

I’d lose weight, be healthier, and dominate my kids in sports.

Now I can choose between two different benefits. Do I want to relax and feel good thanks to food and at the expense of my health, or do I want to lose weight, be healthy and dominate my kids in sports?

I want to choose the latter result.

It’s Part Of Your Identity

It’s really hard to go against your identity.

This is one of the reasons it’s so hard for smokers to quit. They identify as “Smokers”.

It’s easy to identify as your old self or your old habits, but it’s not helpful.

Just because you like food, or you’ve struggled to lose weight doesn’t mean you’re a “foodie” or an addict.

Just because you’ve yelled at your kids doesn’t make you a “yeller.”

Part of what holds you back from making the change you want to make is seeing yourself as you are, or as you used to be, but not being able to see yourself for who you are becoming.

Want to make a powerful change?

Than shift your identity.

Start BEing that dream version of yourself today.

See where you are right now, and create the story in your mind of how it connects to where you want to be.

You’re Making It Harder Than It Needs To Be

Sometimes we make change harder than it needs to be.

Explore how the change you want to make can actually be easy.

I’ve had clients that after exploring how their change could actually be easy found that it actually was easy.

One client wanting to quit eating certain foods realized that it is actually easier to not buy them than it is to buy them.

It cost less money, took less trips to the store, and made her life healthier and easier.

Don’t fall into the trap of making your change harder than it has to be simply because it’s hard for others, or you thought it would be hard.

Come Connect with Us LIVE and In Person!

Our Summer Slam is Saturday, July 30th from 9:00 am to 9:00 pm.

It will include powerful lessons, fun activities, and an awesome evening filled with board games and connection.

See you there!


#109 A Thriving Family Starts with a Thriving YOU!

#107 – 7 Signs You Need to Upgrade Your Parenting Immediately

Listen to the signals in your life that are pushing you towards growth.

#1 You’re Not Happy With Yourself As A Parent

This one is huge.

Recently I’ve had a bunch of parents tell me that they’re just not happy as a parent. They feel like they could and should be doing more. They feel like they’re failing, and they are miserable.

Okay, maybe miserable is a stretch, but they’re not happy.

There are lots of things that can cause unhappiness as a parenting. The important thing to understand is that this isn’t “bad” or a problem.

It’s simply a warning or a notification that something is off and not how you want it to be.

Once you recognize this, you have the power to gain some more awareness and address how you feel and how you are showing up as a parent.

#2 You Don’t Like Your Teen

Okay, this is another one that I’ve heard a lot recently. Honestly, what I coach people on often drives my podcast.

You don’t have to like your teen.

Not liking your teen doesn’t mean that you’re a terrible parent.

But, if you’re like me, you probably don’t like how it feels when you don’t like your teen.

Also if you’re like me, you probably don’t like how you parent when you don’t like your teen.

If this is you, and you don’t like your teen as much as you’d like, this is simply an indicator of an area for growth.

#3 You Feel Like Your Out of Control

If you feel like you’re out of control, you’re almost certainly trying to control things and others outside of your control.

If you are like many of the parents inside the Firmly Founded Family membership, you are probably guilty of focusing on things outside of your control from time to time.

Maybe you want to make your teen come home on time, or maybe you want to change the way your teen treats others in the family, and nothing seems to change them, and the more you fight and argue, the more you feel out of control.

Good news, the simple reason why is that you are focusing on things outside of your control.

This too is an indication of a potential area of growth.

#4 You’re Parenting Out of Alignment with Your Core Values

One of my favorite lessons that I teach is on values.

I LOVE understanding how values impact my life, my clients lives, and your life.

If you are unhappy, it’s probably because you are out of alignment with your values somewhere.

I see this in parenting when parents trying to parent according to what other’s think they should be doing.

I see this when parents try to parent according to their teens values, or their parents values.

If you feel like you do all the bending, or that you teen walks all over you, or that you don’t have effective boundaries, you might want to take a look at your values and find ways to parent in alignment with those values.

#5 You Can’t Communicate with Your Teen

If you and your teen can’t communicate, there’s a problem. Often times when parents tell me that they can’t communicate with their teen, it’s because they are trying to avoid a blowup or temper tantrum.

This means you’re focusing on things outside of your control.

It’s not your job to regulate how your teen thinks, feels, or acts.

Make the effort to communicate with your teen in the way that you feel most comfortable.

For me, it’s relaxed, calm, and reassuring.

Even when I’m mad, and we “need to have a tough conversations,” I try to be relaxed, calm, and reassuring.

Even if I can’t perfectly do that, I still commit to having the conversation.

#6 You Constantly Overwhelmed, Stress, and Worried

Overwhelm, stress, and worry will impact all of your relationship, whether it be with your teen, spouse, or friends or family.

If you constantly feel overwhelmed, stressed, and worried, this is an indicator that you have areas of potential growth.

#7 You’re Not Creating the Results that You Want

Ultimately, if you are not creating the results that you want in your family or in your relationship with your teen, you have room for growth.

Your results will always reflect your way’s of BEing. Want better results, up-level your parenting!

Call to ACTION!

Come join me in the Firmly Founded Family Membership!

Start being the parent of your dreams building a rock-solid family TODAY!

Doors to the Firmly Founded Family Membership will be closing soon.

#091 How to Love Yourself More with Ali Terry

#091 How to Love Yourself More with Ali Terry

“What the world needs now is love, sweet love.” Jackie DeShannon

The World Thinks We Need To Better Love OTHERS

It seems like there’s a lot of talk of loving one another or simply loving others, but I believe it starts with your ability to love yourself.

Most People Ignore Their Self Love

If you don’t love yourself, it makes it hard to love others.

Most people completely ignore their own self-love and focus on whether or not others love them.

You don’t have to “make” others love you.

Loving yourself is not Narcisistic

Loving yourself doesn’t mean that you are better than others.

Loving yourself means having your own back.

I’m going to own all of me.

Loving yourself is not comparing yourself to others.

Loving yourself by choosing NOT to compare yourself to others is the best way.

Why is It Important To Avoid Comparisons

Comparison creates frustration.

Even when you compare others with others, it puts your focus on things outside of your control.

When you compare yourself to others, it likely leads to unhappiness.

When we compare ourselves, we don’t hold compassion.

When we compare others, we don’t hold compassion.

Comparing yourself to others is natural human behavior.

Teach your teen to not compare themselves to others start by not comparing yourself to others.

Create A Love List

What do you love about yourself?

Come up with 5 things that you love about yourself.

Teach your brain to find things that you love about yourself.

Most people focus on the things that they don’t love about themselves.

Everyone has unique strengths, talents, and gifts.

Love yourself for what you love about yourself, not what the world loves about you.

Sometimes we don’t even notice our strengths.

Practice finding your strengths and loving yourself for who you are!

What the world need now is LOVE

Love yourself. Our current social status is a reflection of our inner love. Learn how to love yourself.

Explore, How Can I Love Myself More?


The more you love yourself, the more easily you will be able to love others.

If you lack self-confidence, it’s because you lack self-love.

When you love yourself, you can trust yourself to be yourself!

Call to ACTION!

Download the FREE 5 Step PDF to Start Loving Yourself More!