You have the power to transform YOUR relationships with others, NO MATTER WHAT!
“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.”
—Morrie Schwartz, from Tuesdays with Morrie
“Love cures people—both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.”
YOU Can Be The Change You Want To See!
I know I always say this, but it’s still true! You CAN be the change that you want to see in your teen.
Lately, I’ve done a lot of relationship coaching on with one spouse or another about their relationship with their spouse, or with a mother-in-law, or with a parent. I use the same rules to coach them on these relationships as I use to coach them on their relationship with their teen.
You cannot change your spouse, your mother-in-law, or your parents. If you try, it will only cause contention. Your focus will be on them and their model and not on you or your model. This will put you in the position of the victim and you will have no power to change anything.
Instead, I invite you to explore how YOU can be the change that you want to see in your these relationships.
What Is a Relationship Transformation?
Relationship transformations happen when you change how you think about the other person in the relationship, how you feel towards them, and how you act towards them.
Notice that it DOES NOT require the other person to change or do anything.
How You Think:
How you think about someone dictates how to feel about them and towards them.
Your thoughts are simply the stories in your head that you tell yourself about the other person. Maybe stories like:
“They are so selfish,” or
“They only think of themselves,” or
“They are the ones who should . . .”
The stories you tell yourself about them will determine how you feel about and towards them.
Try stories like:
“They are doing their best,” or
“I like it when they . . . ” or
“I’m grateful for the way they . . . “
This will help create more loving and compassionate stories.
How You Feel:
Again, this is created by what you think. Take a minute and explore how you are feeling towards the other person.
Is it anger, resentment, frustration, disappointment, or some other unpleasant emotion?
How would you like to feel towards them, love, compassion, patience, curiosity?
Once you understand how you feel and why (what thoughts are creating those feelings), you can now start to work on feeling the way you want to feel towards them (by intentionally choosing how you think about them).
How You Act:
Your feelings are constantly driving actions and inactions. How are you currently acting towards your loved one?
Are you trying to change them? Are you arguing with them, yelling at them, fighting with them.
How you would you like to act towards them? What would that change for YOU?
Transformations In My Life (From Caterpillar to Butterfly)
I have been blessed to witness powerful transformations in my life.
My brother Jason and I had a really rough relationship. There was a time where he chased me down the driveway, with a sword overhead, intent on killing me. Later as adults, we nearly got in a fistfight over a $20 piece of junk.
One day my brother and me, and our spouses, went to the mountains to get firewood for my parents. I am a hard worker, and I don’t like working with people who don’t work hard because I feel like I’m doing all the work. This day I was blown away by what a hard worker my little brother was. Instantly I started to feel appreciation for him. I was grateful that he was there helping, and I was proud of what a hard worker he was.
Something in our relationship changed. We became best friends. We cared for each other and wanted to serve each other. Our last conversation was an argument over who should take home some yummy leftovers. I wanted him to have them. He wanted me to have them. We just wanted the other to be happy.
Don’t Simply Be a Better Caterpillar, Become a Butterfly
Let yourself completely be transformed. Let your relationships completely change. Stop holding on to old thoughts and beliefs. Let go of the grudges and the negative emotions.
Allow the transformation to happen. You’ll be grateful that you did!
Call to ACTION!
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