The Self-Coaching Model
I teach a tool called The Model. I learned it from my coach Brooke Castillo.
The model is the concept that there are Circumstances in life that lead to Thoughts, which create Feelings, which drive our Actions, which create our Results.
Lots of coaches refer to it as the CTFAR model.
The self-coaching model is a powerful tool.
It’s not the only tool, but it is one that I teach all the time.
Your Model vs Your Teen’s Model
The Self-Coaching Model is at play in your life, your teen’s life, and everyone’s life.
Your model can even have the same circumstance as your teen’s model.
In fact, I’ve seen teens simply adopt their parent’s models, and have identical models.
So here’s the most important thing to understand when it comes to the difference between your model and your teen’s model.
You can only control your own model.
You CAN NOT control your teen’s model.
You are not responsible for how your teen thinks, feels, behaves, or the results that they create in their life.
You are only responsible for your own model.
So, stop trying to manage your teen’s model and let them do that for themselves.
“I don’t want to disappoint my parents.”
Recently I spoke to a high school swim team.
One of the things the girls told me was, “I’m constantly anxious because I don’t want to disappoint my parents.”
Can you see how these teens were focused on someone else’s model?
Of course they’re feeling anxious. They are focused on something outside of their control.
Over Christmas, one of the things that I heard mothers tell me in their coaching sessions was, “I don’t want my kids to be disappointed with Christmas.”
Again, they’re feeling anxious because they are focused on something outside of their control., their teen’s model.
The problem is that our teens are learning to try to manage others’ models for them because they see us doing that as parents when we try to manage their models.
Let’s stop that!
Trust Your Teen
Your teen is more than capable of managing their own model.
You might ask, “what if they won’t manage it?”
That’s okay. They are perfectly capable of owning their model.
They are perfectly capable of owning the consequences of ignoring their model too.
Show your teen that you trust them.
Show them that they have the power to manage how they think and feel.
Show them that you trust them and give them the autonomy to manage their model for themselves.
Manage Your Own Model
You can’t manage your teen’s model for them, but you can be a powerful example to them of managing your own model.
In fact, in my experience, when parents manage their own models, things change in their homes.
Often, simply managing your own model is enough to help your teen start managing their own.
Human beings are herd animals, including your teen.
If you lead by example, they are likely to follow.
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