So Many Parenting Gurus Focus on DOING
Recently I joined a new program to teach me some business tools to help me better help you, and in this program I’ve met some new friends who are also parenting coaches.
I wanted to get to know some of these these coaches, so obviously I digitally stalked them.
I was surprised by how much of what they teach is focused on what to DO as a parent so your kids will do what’s “right.”
So much of their focus is on DOING parenting a certain way.
And, they have examples of DOING these specific parenting techniques and the parent’s kids just completely changing.
While I’m happy for the parents experiencing success, I do feel that this approach of DOING is incomplete and more of a band-aid and temporary fix.
I do not believe that there is a RIGHT or WRONG way to parent!
I do not believe that the goal of parenting is to get your teenager to do the “right” things.
I believe that there is so much more to parenting.
When you shift for focus from what you are DOING as a parent, you will be able to put all that energy into BEING the parent of your dreams.
The BE-Do-Have Model
I teach this all the time in my coaching programs, and I’ve talked about it on podcasts, but I’ve never dedicated a podcast to the BE-Do-Have model.
So, this is long overdue, but none the less, here it is.
The BE-Do-Have Model.
I learned this from my coach, Jim Fortin.
The model is meant to help you shift your focus from what you DO or what you do or don’t HAVE to your ways of BEING.
Here’s one of my favorite examples, and one that I’ve experienced over and over.
When people want to lose weight, they typically shift their focus to some sort of DOING.
For example, “I’m going to DO this new exercise program.” Or, “I’m going to DO this new diet.”
They think that by DOING these things, they will then HAVE their goal of weight loss or 6 pack abs or something.
The problem is . . .
. . . And think about this. How many times have you seen this exact thing happen? Possibly in your own life . . .
. . . The problem is, after doing the diet and the exercise, and after having the weight loss, how many times do you see the person go right back to their old ways of BEING.
I’ve done this a hundred times.
I DO the diet and the exercise for a few months.
Then, I HAVE the weight loss.
And, to celebrate I go right back to my old ways of BEING and eat junk food.
If you don’t start with your ways of BEING, you’ll always revert back to your old ways of BEING.
Another example that I often see with dads is working from the Have-Do-Be model.
They try to work it backwards.
They think “If I HAD more money or more time, then I’d DO a family vacation, then I’d BE a good dad.
The problem is that they are focusing on something other than themselves to make them a good dad.
Start catching yourself working from anything other than the Be-Do-Have model, and start asking your self this question:
“Who do I need to BE, to DO the thing I need to do, to HAVE what I want to have?”
Who Do YOU Want To BE?
One of the things that I see most often that makes parents unhappy is that they don’t like who they’ve become as a parent.
They’ll often say things like, “How did I turn into my mom?” Or, “How did I get this way?”
The truth is, you got this way because this has become your subconscious way of BEING.
This is who you’ve allowed yourself to become.
I often do an exercise with parents, and I want to take a minute and do it with you.
Think back to a time when you thought something like:
- “When I’m a parent, I’m going to . . . _____”
- “When I’m a parent, I’m never going to . . . _____”
- “When I’m a parent, I’m going to BE . . . _____”
If you’re like me, these thoughts might have come when you were in trouble and unhappy with your parents.
But, I’m guessing that there was a time when you had clarity in who you wanted to BE as a parent.
There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to BE as a parent.
The most important thing is to KNOW who YOU want to BE and to practice that way of BEING.
The Common Mistake
The common mistake that I see parents make, and some of my new parenting coaches and experts promoting, is to focus on DOING parenting “right” so your kids will change.
I promise you, the most powerful thing you can do if you want your teen to change, is to BE The Change You Want To See!
Stop trying to DO all the right things so your teen will change.
Instead, focus on BEING the parent that you’ve always wanted to be.
Join The BE The Change Challenge!
The BE The Change Challenge is now open!
If you want a happier home, this challenge is for you.
If you are disappointed in who you’ve become as a parent, this challenge will help you finally make the change you’ve been looking for.
Join the challenge today!